Ask HN: Feeling Pretty Empty Tonight | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Feeling Pretty Empty Tonight

15 pointsbosch_mind10 comments

Been at this new big tech job burning out for 10 months working remote. I happened to move to a small town around the same time and feel isolated. My work performance has been sub par and can’t seem to shake it. I feel it’s mostly due to the fact that I don’t fit in much at work. Anyone been in the same boat?

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I've been fully remote on and off since 2010. I've never been able to really connect with coworkers without in-person time spent, and usually lots of it. This has led me to taking in-office jobs on occasion just to fulfill that need for human connection.

Human's are social creatures - do whatever it takes to get some face time in with someone near by.

Something which may or may not apply to you, is that in the past, I also felt quite empty, simply because software development had become my entire life from sunrise to sundown. Once you realize your entire identity is based around one thing, specifically work, it's quite jarring to realize and hollow that is.

After the end of a decade-long relationship and at the same time, a decade of working at my company, and with full-blown depression, and pissed at the same time for a paycut I was forced to take (not based on performance, but due to "COVID cuts") after watching at least a hundred people get laid off in the past 3 years, mostly blamed on COVID, my performance is under review, despite the fact that I pulled in over a half a million dollars last year for the company, more than any other of my coworkers, so it definitely sucks.

I've watched everyone else slacking yet I'm the one under review. It makes no sense to me. But it's not the first time and not the first supervisor to do it. I just happen to be the one who has to deal with it all. I had to sign something at work from HR stating I would improve. It's definitely one-sided when they take your supervisor's word over the ability to work efficiently enough to pull in the most amount of jobs and do the most amount of work. I'm still confused by it, but the one thing I'm still glad about is the remote work.

When my supervisor recommended I return to an office, I refused and let her know that would cost double salary + half to deal with other people, their germs, and risking getting COVID. But I'm positive that this too, shall pass. Like I said, not the first time I've been under review. I am just "that guy" that brings out that "power struggle" in every supervisor, and they always feel the need to exert that dominance over me. That's happened for every job I've ever had.

Keep a few side projects handy. Keep doing your best. I recommend joining a gym especially one with a pool and a sauna and a jacuzzi just to get yourself out of the house and doing something other than staying at home. It helps to feel that you are "doing something" and might even improve your chances of meeting people, socializing, or at least being around other human beings.

>I am just "that guy" that brings out that "power struggle" in every supervisor, and they always feel the need to exert that dominance over me. That's happened for every job I've ever had.

I hope you realize that you are the common denominator in that equation.

I thought so too, heh. It wasn't the first time it happened... it was a constant when I was working as a security officer... with two different supervisors felt threatened I was going to be promoted and take their jobs. Both let the power go to their head and were eventually demoted.

Throw something on my calendar and we can chat about life for a bit :)

[1] https://calendly.com/taylor-town/30min

It's impossible to tell from your short description, but you also might be encountering early stages of depression. Consider chatting with a therapist.

[2] https://www.betterhelp.com/

It sounds like you’re feeling lonely and disconnected, which can be hard to manage when working remotely. Have you tried connecting with your colleagues outside of work? It could help to build relationships and get a better understanding of the team culture. There are also lots of online communities and forums for tech professionals that you might be able to connect with. Hang in there!

know that as a remote worker it is hard to gauge what others think of you. I also thought i was doing pretty much average amount of work but apparently others think i'm doing "great". As for fitting in, if you are fully remote and have been from the start, it is very hard to develop meaningful relationships with your teammates. My current job is my first job i joined fully remote, and let me say that i made great friends at my previous jobs in person in a shorter amount of time than i have at this current job (even though i've been here for a while, i wouldn't consider my teammates "friends" as much as i do colleagues, perhaps this is what is ideal for some people but for me i like to feel a connection with my team and broader org). These facts alone are seriously making me consider taking a local in person job for a lower pay.

Get out of big tech. Your performance is probably not as bad as you think it is.

Yes I have been in the same boat and being unemployed was better for my mental health than staying in big tech (as long as you have savings to float you)

Are you spending time outside? Walking around, jogging, meeting people, breathing? Get out. It helps to think better.

How long are you working daily? More than 8h is wrong wrong wrong.

Rest, relax, get out.

Burning out is a sign that you are doing something that is taking you in the wrong direction. The reptile brain gives you hints that you need to establish useful communication with others or find another place.

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