Comment by LoganDark | Hacker News Reader

Comment by LoganDark | Hacker News Reader

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For the first day or two, it took so little effort to move my body that I felt like it was moving on its own. I could do any chore because it was just as enjoyable as anything else, I was just along for the ride.

I was extremely easy to distract, I immediately took every opportunity I saw. Clean the bathroom, take a shower, make dinner. As soon as I got reminded of the existence of something, I'd immediately do it.

At the end of each day I would have to catch up to all the tasks I started and never finished because I kept getting distracted. Draft messages or emails containing thousands of words, other essays, research and planning for personal projects, a million browser tabs, and so on.

Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always.

I no longer found any value in games, media or entertainment of any kind. I would write essays and do deep scientific research to occupy my brain. I never got bored; in fact I was completely unable to get bored. I could lay in bed for hours only using my imagination and still not get bored.

I can't decide if that was good or bad. I know that I at least shouldn't be getting bored constantly, that's an ADHD thing.

It's interesting to hear from someone who apparently had a similar experience, but considers it eerie and unsettling.

I likened it to unlocking "the other half" of my life. I want to be both on and off medication. If I was on medication 24/7, I would lose the life that I currently have. If I was off medication 24/7... well, I'd still miss being able to do things, even though the meds seem to have zapped my depression more or less permanently.

I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like... it turns into a release agent at high enough doses, and that causes a much more intense effect... but also neurotoxicity. You do not want to develop a tolerance to dopamine itself. You can basically end up with ADHD much, much worse than what can occur naturally.

Here's a fun bit of trivia: there's a prescription drug called Desoxyn that is basically just methamphetamine hydrochloride.

> Whereas unmedicated I do nothing... on amphetamine I did everything, always.

> I can sort of imagine what taking a "proper" dose of meth would be like...

So I used regular amphetamines for years (which ended up leading to seeking my ADHD diagnosis) while my exposure to meth is very limited (due to not wanting a neurotoxic habit), but to me there is both a quantitative and a qualitative difference between the two: dextroamphetamine feels focused and urgent whereas methamphetamine feels more exuberant and capable, and I suspect that of those two flavours, the former is actually more compatible with my ADHD than the latter. I'm already capable, what I could do with more of is urgency and focus, and definitely not an excess of exuberance :)

> I'm already capable, what I could do with more of is urgency and focus, and definitely not an excess of exuberance :)

I'd actually be inclined to agree! my norepinephrine levels already seem to be so high naturally that the levoamph in Adderall causes executive dysfunction to get way worse. (That's why I'm on pure dextroamph instead~)

Plus, even completely unmedicated, I can fling myself around, lift heavy things, and do tons of work just fine... as long as my stupid brain will agree with me.

Dextroamph on its own already raises that to such a ridiculous level that if I'm not careful on it, my body can actually act on thoughts before I even try to move. That has only happened once, but it was so fascinating that I noticed it immediately and committed every detail to memory.

Some people might've been properly terrified by that. But autistic brain does not care. :)

I'm actually looking into starting some sort of norepinephrine blocker because it's also the cause of my huge overheating issue that prevents me from being comfortable in any room above 15C/60F. Had no idea what it could be until levoamph tipped me off. Thanks ADHD! lol

> Dextroamph on its own already raises that to such a ridiculous level that if I'm not careful on it, my body can actually act on thoughts before I even try to move. That has only happened once, but it was so fascinating that I noticed it immediately and committed every detail to memory.

I've spent a lot of time pondering how conscious I am and my answer is not very, what we label as "impulsiveness" and "hyperactivity" are just symptoms of the fact that our brain is in control much more of the time than the average person, whose abilities to self-sooth and visualise and utilise goal-directed behaviour mean that their minds take control far more readily than mine does.

As I side note I suffered anxious sweats for a few years - except when I took ketamine. Now there's a substance that can make you really feel connected to your body (operate your body in manual mode!) while also letting you experience your mind trying to retrofit a coherent narrative for the previous 20 minutes or so during which it had been basically turned off, leaving the brain in charge.

> As I side note I suffered anxious sweats for a few years - except when I took ketamine. Now there's a substance that can make you really feel connected to your body (operate your body in manual mode!) while also letting you experience your mind trying to retrofit a coherent narrative for the previous 20 minutes or so during which it had been basically turned off, leaving the brain in charge.

Hehe, ketamine is definitely something I want to try at some point. Dexedrine is probably going to end up being somewhat of a gateway drug for me. But there are tons of resources online for harm reduction, to learn how to try things safely, without hurting yourself or getting addicted. Ketamine and LSD are definitely on my list of "things I want to try before I die".

If you're aphantasic as part of your ADHD - i.e. you don't have a well-developed mind's eye - which is likely, then LSD is I suspect a much "safer" experience than it is for normies, in that your brain can't generate the sort of complex visual hallucinations required to give enough verisimilitude to fool the mind into believing it. And the other "bad trip" trap of getting stuck in a mental loop is also ineffective against the ADHD brain's inability to filter out distractions, it's hard for your mind go into a negative spiral when your brain is constantly poking it to pay attention to some random shiny shit in the edge of your vision. I love LSD, it can be hard work but it's given me some of the most amazing experiences ranging from the profound to just sheer joy. And then you can try combining it with ketamine for even more consciousness alteration :)

> If you're aphantasic as part of your ADHD - i.e. you don't have a well-developed mind's eye - which is likely

I actually do have a mind's eye, but I don't have the ability to focus on it whenever I want, or daydream whenever I want, without other mental distractions getting in the way. I developed it because I used it as an escape from reality.

Maybe I can't be entertained just by daydreaming, but I used to roleplay and write stories every day for years, using my mind's eye to visualize it and feel it with my other senses (not just vision). Like, I leaned heavily into that. That has always been my favorite thing to do. Because.... my IRL body would not listen to me, so being able to do things in my mind was endlessly valuable...

On dexedrine I can daydream for hours and control what happens. Because my mind's eye actually has the ability to entertain me in that state. But it's not particularly vivid (maybe it's not so well-developed after all?) which is one reason why I want to try LSD.

A couple days ago (I think my last day of dexedrine) I actually had some daydream I couldn't control, and it was exciting. Sure, the actual daydream was very dark and scary. I felt real fear in my body, I felt like I could die. But it was so exciting and fascinating the whole time. Even if I had a bad trip on LSD, I'd probably love it anyway.

Also, on dexedrine I appear to be a decent artist despite not having drawn anything for over 6 years. because, guess what, I drew some sci-fi weapon at school, a teacher confiscated the one single drawing, and I Never Drew Another Thing Ever Again. Thanks teacher, for ruining 6 years I could've spent practicing art. I used to love to draw and I could've actually gotten good. Sometimes these things make me so angry.

> And the other "bad trip" trap of getting stuck in a mental loop is also ineffective against the ADHD brain's inability to filter out distractions

Being autistic makes it possible for parts of my brain to get stuck in a loop even if "I" am not. It causes huge panic attacks. But only if it's logically something to be worried about.

But I don't really think a bad trip will happen. I'm pretty ok in terms of being able to perceive and change parts of my mental state (that is an essential skill to control DID, you know). Logically, everything is fine right now. Plus I'm looking forward to the whole thing so I'm pretty sure I'll be okay~

> And then you can try combining it with ketamine for even more consciousness alteration :)

PFFT, maybe one day~

> It's interesting to hear from someone who apparently had a similar experience, but considers it eerie and unsettling.

If I could summarize it, it's that I lost my ability to buffer the various seeds of what the subconscious mind generates in order to spur the conscious mind into action. That strange boundary where thoughts "come from"; normally I'm able to observe that and contemplate it (usually too much and for too long, to my own detriment). With meds, it's like that boundary widens substantially and blurs as well... My ability to interpret what's coming across weakens, I become less critical of what I'm thinking about or doing, why I'm doing it, and so on.

I feel like I lose a part of what makes me who I am. Though people often say that because they feel less creative or something, I think I have the sense that I live a less conscious life on meds. I do get more done, but I'm not truly aware of what I'm doing. That's what's so unsettling to me.

It isn't like I become a robot or I forget hours of my day (in fact I might even remember more of my day). It's more like I act on unexamined thoughts far more often. It's probably just my personal philosophy getting in the way, but something seems deeply wrong with that. Akin to the unexamined thought not being worth thinking, I worry that actions based on unexamined impulses may not be worth acting upon. To some degree. Doing my taxes is always worthwhile and I can't delay that, so meds are great in that regard. On a day to day basis though, I get the sense that I lose a piece of myself to the noisy, urgent, relentless impulses to just do, do, do.

And again, it isn't an intense sensation and I can sit still and relax. I make it seem like the meds are getting me super wound up when it's not like that. The difference is quite subtle, but I suppose it changes aspects of my mind which I'm hyper-sensitive to.

Hopefully that makes sense!

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