Very beautifully put. I completely relate with the last 2 sentences. Do you have recommendations for books?
Having said that, "Streams of Wisdom" by Dustin Diperna is, IMO, the finest 40,000 foot view of meditation and spiritual development that I know of.
For an actual no bullshit practical guide to meditation Eckhart Tolle's "The power of now" is what I would point to. You really need nothing more than this book.