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Comment by Trasmatta | Hacker News Reader

There's something about dancing that people get really weird about if you don't want to participate. As if it's their god given duty to convince you that, no, you really DO like dancing, and you'll have a great time if you just loosen up and have fun. I wish people would just respect "no thank you" and stop trying to push people to do something they clearly don't want. As is, I have to avoid events with dancing.

And no, it's not an elitist "I'm just so much smarter than the people dancing" thing, like the post seems to imply.

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What about those who didn't want at first, then tried it after some nudging, and ended up enjoying it?

In my experience, if you tell one of the dance people that you have tried for over 10 years and still don't like it, they will very likely not even accept that.

They will believe they can show you better and make you like it, and thus will try to obnoxiously persuade you to dance with them.

It's just rude.

And the attitude of yours is also part of the problem:

Believing that somehow grown up people are incapable of learning the very basic fact "dancing can be fun" on their own and need to be told about it and nudged towards it.

No, they don't, they know it can be enjoyable, and they have tried, and it isn't for them, and they don't need to be educated any further.

A little nudging seems okay, but it often crosses the line with dancing, to the point where people get physically dragged to the dance floor.

A little gentle nudging followed by respecting the other person's choice is the way to go. But some people can't seem to compute the fact that there are legitimate reasons some people don't enjoy dancing, and take it as an almost personal affront.

If I'm playing Smash Brothers at a party, I'll totally try to get people involved, even if they don't look interested. But some people don't enjoy video games, and some people just don't like fighting games, so I don't physically force the controller into their hands, claiming "you'll have fun if you just loosen up!"

I think that’s why some people really push it. There a myriad of reasons for not wanting to dance. A lot of them can be overcame (shame, fear of embarrassment, lack of knowledge how one would properly dance, doubt that it will be an enjoyable experience, etc) and the person can experience legitimate joy after dancing. This happens often enough that convinces the pushers that this it’s a good thing to keep pushing the resistants to dance. Of course, it’s not always true. But I would not fault those pushers to believe so.

Whenever someone has done that I end up pretending it’s fine until it’s socially acceptable to stop.

Stop caring so much about what others think..

This can be applied the other way too: stop caring so much about people not wanting to dance. They're adults and can make their own decisions about what's fun for them, it's not your responsibility to force them to enjoy something.

Just so you know, if I ever met you at a party I probably secretly resent you and I'm guessing I'm not alone.

I DONT LIKE DANCING. I DONT LIKE THE THING THAT YOU LIKE.

This is fine, I completely get it. My comment was more on the fact that you seem to care enough about what others think that you pretend you like it. Why not just tell people the same thing that you wrote in all caps, possibly adding "fuck off" if they still don't get it.

Because then my choices are:

1) give in and pretend to go along with it.

2) look like an asshole at a wedding.

Sorry if I don’t want to ruin someone’s wedding lol.

I was one of these. I grew up fairly religious in an environment where dancing was looked down upon (especially for men). As an adult, I had friends repeatedly nudge me toward it and it took a long time to get comfortable with it. Much of my resistance was not wanting to look silly in front of others, not wanting to be out of rhythm, etc. It’s a humbling experience at first and requires swallowing some pride. But man, once you experience your body unlocking and moving in time with music and other people, it’s hard to look back.

I definitely acknowledge gp’s point, it’s important to respect people’s boundaries and not push them into things they don’t want to be pushed into. I just hope you know that nudging often comes from people who like you and want to share joy with you.

My preferred manner of nudging is to 1. make a fool out of myself to clear space and 2. try and get people on the sidelines to do the smallest dance possible. Wiggle your pinkies, tap your toes, feel your way into it :)

Any tips for how to get into it as an adult?

What about those who dance like Elaine Benes?

I'm just not made for dancing. I suck at it, and even if I "loosen up" I'm still awful.

It's best for all if I just sit in the corner with my phone reading hackernews. Trust me.

Dancing is interpersonal, but not for Elaine. Look at how people enjoy your dancing and react to it. That's part of it.

Our just dance like nobody's watching. Elaine sure does.

A lot of people genuinely feel super self-conscious about dancing and do need that convincing to give themselves permission to dance. And once they do, they love it. A lot of people need to also have a couple drinks to loosen up enough to enjoy it as well. I was in both of these categories for a looong time.

So it's not a "god given duty to convince", it's just that it's a genuine act of friendship and support that a lot of people need. The thing is, unless you know somebody incredibly well, there's really no way to tell who needs the convincing and then will enjoy it, and who doesn't and won't enjoy dancing even after they're convinced.

So people try to convince you for a bit, and if you still refuse, then they leave you alone. It seems like a workable compromise. Same as trying to invite you to a party three times and then giving up when you say you're really not coming.

So I agree it's annoying when you really don't want to do something. But I hope you can understand that it is other people genuinely trying to be helpful, in a way that is often helpful for others. Sometimes people really do need help to overcome shyness, even when they already want to.

> So people try to convince you for a bit, and if you still refuse, then they leave you alone. It seems like a workable compromise.

And what they forget while doing that is that they are not the only person existing in the universe:

Others will also attempt to convince the very same non-dancing person to dance.

So if you are at a party, sitting at the bar not dancing, you will have to have this discussion like 5 times in a single evening.

And if you enjoy going to parties even though you don't dance and therefore go regularly, then over the decades you will have to have the discussion thousands of times - which isn't a workable compromise anymore but just an annoyance.

I think this person went back in time a couple of years and stole the thoughts out of my head for this post.

If you go to an event in which most people do X and you refuse to do X then you're marking yourself as an outsider, unsurprisingly people find this suspicious/odd.

You could apply it to anything. If I went along to a LAN party or an arcade and then said "I don't play video games" people would think I had a stick up my arse and they'd be right.

If you really don't enjoy it then it's normal to not go along to those sort of events, there's nothing weird about that.

This comparison doesn't make sense. Dancing is present at many events that you would have legitimate reasons to want to attend for reasons other than dance. That's not really the case for a LAN party or an arcade.

> If you really don't enjoy it then it's normal to not go along to those sort of events

I guess I'll just never go to a wedding again, or a live music event, or a house party, or any of the other random events where dancing happens but isn't necessarily the focus.

Dancing isn't a focus for a live music event, a house party, a wedding?

I mean, yeah, you come off as a bit weird. Sorry. It's fairly integral to all three. Maybe not the wedding depending on the couple.

> Maybe not the wedding depending on the couple.

"Maybe" implying that there are weddings I shouldn't attend because I don't like dancing?

And I shouldn't go to live music or house parties because it's weird to do so if I don't like dancing?

Nahh, miss me with that. This is exactly what I mean. The only weird thing here is the idea that I shouldn't go out and have fun with friends because I don't like to dance. People are so weird about it, and treat it almost like a sacred act.

You can do whatever you want man, it's 2023.

If your friends like to dance and you're sat in the corner on your phone then you look like a weirdo. That doesn't mean you can't go out and have fun, it means owning the fact that your choices mark you as being different.

So what if they're different? Your engagement with them still carries that faint undertone of judgement. Just leave it.

People don't usually drag you to dance if you're in animated conversation with another. They do it when when you seem lonely and bored. Trying to get you to engage with the people around you.

Yeah, going to a club and not wanting to dance is weird, but I'm not skipping weddings or various parties because I don't like to dance.

I grew up in an environment (and tbh am still in it despite huge geographical movement) where the prevalent message was "white men can't dance". The only nuance when I argued things like "what about swing, etc." was "nobody listens to that anymore".

I am not white (Anglo-Saxon), but I might as well be. I have a sense of rhythm and am flexible and in decent shape, but I also have aversion to attention for both related and unrelated reasons.

Every time dancing comes up, even "white" dancing like line dancing, I avoid it when I can get away with it, because "white men can't dance".

What do?

I think the worst part about it is the same insecurity that causes someone to always say no to dancing also makes it difficult to say it with tact.

I've been there. It's even worse when you get the fake sympathy after you had to get fake mad at their insistence.

Yeah I just don’t find dancing fun. That’s it, end of story.

Wherever there’s dancing at a wedding or something I just think of it as something I have to get through so I don’t appear rude.

As written in another thread, why don't you just tell people to leave you alone if that's what you want. Avoiding to be rude at all costs is a silly goal.

Refusing to dance at an event where people are is literally an anti-social act.

Please note that I am NOT making a moral judgement whether or not you should always act in a pro-social way.

This is exactly what I mean. What other activities to people start claiming "you are being anti social" because you don't participate? Why do people treat dance as if it's a sacred act that everyone must participate in?

Respect people's choices. Let people be adults who have the right to choose.

By that definition, there are no sacred acts that everybody must participate in. Why do we even have that word or phrase? Because we know there are some things out is antisocial not to do. You don't have to do them, but yes, you will be judged for not participating.

> there are no sacred acts that everybody must participate in

I mean, I would say this is trivially true?

> You don't have to do them, but yes, you will be judged for not participating.

Why do you deserve to be judged for not dancing, but not for something like joining an 8 player Mario Kart race?

The word "anti-social" comes embedded with a moral judgement. You can't just claim you're not making one.

You can do many other social things at a gathering. Dancing is just one of them.

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