Ask HN: What were you doing wrong in the pursuit of love and how did you fix it? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What were you doing wrong in the pursuit of love and how did you fix it?

10 pointsdebanjan164 comments

I am not implying that you can "make" someone fall in love with you. But there may be reasons (on your side) that make someone doesn't quite love you. If you mend your ways and become a better human being yourself maybe others will notice that and fall for you.

Or maybe you were in a relationship that was going down the drain because of some shortcoming or wrongdoing. You understood that and fixed your part and then things became easier.

What were you doing wrong in either case or maybe countless other situations and how did you fix yourself?

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For myself, I had a bunch of unresolved mental health challenges in my early twenties that made finding love practically impossible for me. Fixing those issues and learning to relate to the world in a more realistic way was huge for my ability to both give, receive, and enjoy love. And this was true no matter how much I wanted it at the time.

Second in my journey was gaining confidence in myself in social settings, not just romantic ones. Until I could consistently enjoy myself with genuine friends in a low stakes setting, how was I supposed to be able to enjoy myself with potential romantic partners in a high stakes setting?

Third, I had to recalibrate my brain from the tendencies of romantic perfectionism I had picked up on in my years of unrequited yearning. Learning to see girls as human beings, not as idols to be worshipped, was a big change (I know that sounds a bit extreme, but it’s honestly how I was approaching things). I also had to learn to care less about dumb things in romantic partners and focus more on what was truly most important: character, similarity in values, relatability, realistic levels of attraction. As long as I was only searching for someone who could give me those teenage dream vibes, I was basically ceding control of my future romantic happiness to my pituitary glands. Which pop music makes sound great but which is a terrible plan here on planet earth when talking about something so essential to your long term happiness as romantic connection and family.

So there you have it, the simple three step process that got me happily married to the love of my life and launched me into the joys of fatherhood and 2 am newborn feedings. YMMV. Good luck - you’ll figure it out.

> Third, I had to recalibrate my brain from the tendencies of romantic perfectionism I had picked up on in my years of unrequited yearning. Learning to see girls as human beings, not as idols to be worshipped, was a big change (I know that sounds a bit extreme, but it’s honestly how I was approaching things).

I get the impression online that many guys could benefit from doing this. Doesn't sound extreme at all.

I stopped pursuing it. I'm married and have a child now, so I guess that approach worked for me.

Don't date, don't search, don't lok. Be a whole and complete person by yourself, and enjoy your life on your own terms.

If you're a person who functions well without anyone, you're a million times more attractive, and in an honest way (you can always make someone fall in love with some false projection of you, but this is not what you want, since you can't comfortably be anyone but who you are for any real amount of time).

This necessitates actually doing social activities. I know lots of people who sit at home all day, especially with work-from-home, who don't date, search, or look for partners and they're still alone.

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