Ask HN: Where do people meet up socially at least once a week? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Where do people meet up socially at least once a week?

21 pointslegerdemain69 comments

People looking to improve their social lives often get the advice to find and stick to a group setting where they're exposed to the same people regularly and can build relationships with them.

What are these social settings, and how well do they "work"? Here are some I've been able to brainstorm:

- work

- church

- DOTA

- have children and go outside with them

- get a dog and take it to dog parks

- running club

- faith-based fitness (like F3)

- hang out at the neighborhood Starbucks/Panera a lot

- approach strangers at the gym

- men's communities (like Sacred Sons)

- go back to college

- improv/acting/art/language classes at the adult annex

Here are some that aren't very effective:

- tech meetups (monthly at best, no one comes twice)

- group hike meetups (same issues, too much churn)

- singles groups (too focused on dating/finding a mate)

- coworking spaces (people don't really socialize there)

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Board games is an easy one. Tend to get a lot of repeats for those. I just started going to a new group myself that's meeting once every other weekend, and several of the same people are signed up for the next one. I went to one hosted by a library for a while, and they had like 5 people that showed up to pretty much every single one.

I'm also a member of a local writer's group and a lot of the same people have been in that group for over a decade at this point. Got to know quite a few people from there. I've been bad about going lately though (speaking of which, I need to start showing up again).

One of the local meetup groups (for 'Millenials') hosts various things that has some of the same people show up a lot. Not everyone, and not to every meetup but quite a few repeats.

In fact, Meetup in general tends to have the same people show up to different meetup groups. At that board game meetup I went to for the first time, I ran into three people who I've known at meetups for other meetup groups. I try out several meetup groups (including those hiking groups you dismissed) so I'm also one of those people.

At one point I admin'ed a geeky meetup group, and got to know quite a few people from that, several of which I've since been to private gatherings, weddings, baby showers, funerals, since, so pretty close. I didn't start hosting it, I offered to keep it going after the original admin moved away.

I like to design games too, and got to know several people by showing up to small conventions multiple times, playing their game designs, inviting people at those conventions who live nearby to playtest nights that I host, etc. Doesn't have to be designing games, just insert a different hobby where people would like to show off their talents and appreciate feedback or small favors and try to give back in return.

There's several people I've gotten to know in some smaller Discord groups just over time. You kind of have to stick around and interact long enough that you become one of the regulars, even if you start as a random.

I know people recommend board games a lot, but I just find them really exhausting and ponderous. I don't want to memorize a new booklet of rules every night, I don't want to min/max my corn production or power grid generation. In other areas of my life, this is the kind of busywork that I strive to automate.

And it's not for lack of trying. I threw myself into an active board-gaming group for almost 2 years a few years ago. And it just wasn't going anywhere. Over time, I started really dreading Friday nights.

I wish people played simpler, more socially revealing games that build intimacy between people. You can play Agricola with someone all night long and not learn one thing about them. Those people I spent two years with all remained strangers to me.

I can see your perspective on that, and you're certainly not alone there, I know several people who don't want to learn new rules all the time (I'm not one of those people, I love a new game teach unless I'm really tired, but I know several people like that). There are groups that stick to the same games or more social/party games and play those.

The group I went to last week is kind of like that, it was all Skull and Codenames and Just One and King of Tokyo, the latter being the most complicated game played.

And before they moved away, I had a couple friends who we just played Catan once a week, every single week (for months). And another group I met up with regularly for a while only played Cards Against Humanity or Exploding Kittens. And when I worked for a video game publisher we used to play a 15 minute game of Carcassonne every morning (the video game, so it did a lot of upkeep for you) to see who would go pick up the coffee (lowest score got the coffee).

The game I played most last year, actually, was Memoir '44. I played 35 games of it. One of the things I like about it, actually, is once you pick up the rules there's pretty much nothing else to learn, just different scenarios with a couple minor tweaks to the rules and different map layouts to keep things fresh (you can change things up more with expansions if you want, but it's not necessary).

It's worked out a lot better for me than your standard crunchy euro game where the only differences are 'what order the conversions from resource A to B will come out in' or 'which of the 3 different victory paths will you do this game'.

I automate things too in my day job, but don't mind not automating board games. Or when I do, I make video games out of it :).

But yeah, it's quite possible that it's just not your hobby, and that's cool too.

Rock climbing gym can be a great place to socialize. Most people are not actively climbing; they're just standing there staring at a problem on the wall while figuring out how to solve it, or recovering from a climb they just got off. Plenty of opportunities to strike up a conversation with people.

I'm not into climbing but if I'm focused on figuring out how to solve a problem and someone tries to strike up a conversation with me... god help them.

You've never collaboratively solved a problem?

Interrupting someone when they're concentrating isn't "collaborating," it's just a dick move.

And the thread in question is about socializing, in the first place. Imagine trying to debug something at work and some asshole comes up and starts chatting about the weather.

I don't recommend approaching people at the gym while they're working out, that is considered creepy/socially awkward.

Meh people not wearing phones are social between sets or especially in group classes

I agree, I don't do this at a gym. I was curious about this and observed others, and found nobody else does.

The only time I spoke to someone was when I decided to use the unused yoga room to meditate, and a conversation naturally occured with a guy doing similar. A quick but interesting one about why prayer is different to meditation!

Each gym is a subreddit though - try to observe the status quo there yours might be different.

> Each gym is a subreddit though

Do I need to say "based comment"?

People at my gym also only talk to people they've brought with them (i.e., adult couples working out together, groups of teenage boys). I did get this suggestion a lot from other people on HN, so I thought I'd throw it in.

I was curious about this and observed others, and found nobody else does.

Meh. I wouldn't say "never" do that. I've made friends from talking to people at the gym, but there's an etiquette to it. And it's not something you can force, IME. But if somebody is doing heavy deadlifts (for example) and you likewise do a lot of deadlifting, and the two of you are among a small group of people who do that (which is common at many commercial gyms) you might well find yourselves striking up a conversation. It could be a simple as "Hey man, I saw you pulling some heavy deads. Do you compete, or you just lift for your own satisfaction, or what?" And a simple thing like that often leads to a conversation and the beginnings of an acquaintanceship and maybe eventually real friendship.

That said, I wouldn't go to the gym for the purpose of "meeting people." I'd go because I genuinely wanted to work out and get fit, and look at those chance connections as something that might or might not happen.

I think it depends a lot on the context. Asking somebody for lifting advice, for example, can be well received, because most people want to feel like their advice is valued and their knowledge respect. OTOH, offering people unsolicited advice can be very off-putting to some people.

It really varies from person to person a lot though. Some people are just really "intense" when in the gym, they have Slayer jamming in their earbuds, are on a hardcore adrenaline trip, and all they care about is hitting a PR on their next lift because they have a power-lifting meet coming up. Other people are just there to get a casual workout in and don't mind a little chatting. Learning to "read" people and know who might be amenable to a little chatting and who not to bother is a real skill.

Church Men's Group at 5:30am on Friday mornings. 18-20 guys from all ages 12 to 93 show up. It's a really great way to stay in touch with where you've come from and where you're going.

Found one of these a few years back, made some great friends, and we end up 'doing life' rather than just attending weekly etc. which is great.

There’s an internarional bible study called Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) [0] that likely has a group in a nearby city no matter where you are (traveling, etc). Weekly meetup. I was a group leader for a couple years, and went for a few years before that. Great way to meet others.

[0]: https://www.bsfinternational.org/

If I had to be somewhere at 5:30 am on a Friday morning, it had sure better be a church, because God help you when I find the person who came up with that schedule!

Ultimate Frisbee - People are generally very friendly and there's a "dirtbag" community mentality because people are used to traveling together to tournaments and sleeping on floors. You don't have to do that immediately, just find your local pickup game, and be friendly and humble. People will usually go out for beer or food afterwards too. Ultimate players also tend to have other hobbies like boardgames.

Wish I was more fit! My endurance is garbage. I spent several months one year running 3-4 miles every day. My trend line on Strava was basically flat.

Well...that's how you get fit. Put up barriers to success and you'll never get there. Just try to show up and play one point. Find someone on the sideline to throw with for a bit. Just watch and learn the rules.

I did. We had a Thursday Ultimate group at work. I couldn't hack it.

Another good one not requiring fitness is open mics / jam sessions. If it inspires you to learn music then that's even better, but it will at least let you join the local music community. Local musicians love having regular fans.

There are people on local Craigslist looking for jam buddies. I guess I could reply and ask if they'd mind if I just came and watched them jam.

That might work, but it would probably be easier to look up open mics and public jams in local bars and small music venues. I think Facebook is surprisingly good for finding them, but I'm not sure for where you live in particular.

I think the decline of the "third place" in modern society is a big contributor to loneliness

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Personally, I've found a pseudo third space on Discord - my friends and I share a common chatroom that we just hop in whenever we're free during the lockdowns to chat and sometimes play games

Sure, but making friends on Discord seems to be a different thing entirely. I've tried being the "helpful person" on technical Discords. Unless you're willing to be online for many hours a day, every day, it just feels like shouting into a void.

hang out at the neighborhood Starbucks/Panera a lot

Substitute "Barnes & Noble Cafe" for Starbucks, and yeah, that's what works for me. I've met tons of people, and made a few new friends, just by hanging out at that cafe a lot. In fact, if anything it can almost be too "social" at times, because most of the time when I go in there my underlying purpose is actually to work. But I've gotten to know so many people who work there or visit regularly, that some days I'll be sitting at a table trying to work, and have a nearly non-stop stream of people stopping to just chat and socialize. It's a little bit of a catch-22 since I don't want to shun people and act anti-social - especially given how much I do value those social interactions in general. But some days I almost find myself wanting to go somewhere where I'm not so well known just so I can get work done without so many distractions.

Nobody ever said life was easy. And boy, were they right! :-)

Wow, I'm pretty jealous of your good fortune! I wouldn't have thought that something that corporatey would have attracted people to spend their free time there, and now I just wish we had a nearby bookstore with a cafe in it. We used to have both a B&N-type bookstore and a giant used book emporium that was pretty social, but they've both been gone for years.

Yeah the cafe at the local B&N is pretty active. Some of that may be happenstance, that that store is right between UNC Chapel Hill and Duke University (with NC Central nearby as well), so there are a LOT of students that come in to study. But even aside from that, there are quite a few "regulars" tha come in that are working professionals, older retired people, etc. etc. It's just a fairly bustling scene at times.

- I've seen team based sports be interesting for this. Like here in London, I meet a lot of folks at the cricket club. Atleast 80% of the people turn up 2-3 times a month. And then from where people end up catching up at pubs etc.

- Board games clubs

- I am not sure but maybe certain cohort based courses that involve group accountability? I'd assume if you're in a localized group like OnDeck, YC, or even a humour writing workshop down the road, chances are churn might be low (coz there's an actual cost or opportunity cost) and people are likely to connect to get feedback/accountability etc. This might be a good start to building a relationship - once the course is over, maaaybe you might stay in touch?

The other activity is to involve existing friends (incase they're nearby but don't meet often) to try to do things you like. I've seen a friend do this with Pottery classes on weekends and has been doing this for a while now, but ofcourse could be applied to anything.

I obviously have a hard time understanding the devotion, but every college campus I've been to had a very visible cricket club organized by students from India/Pakistan. And even some employers I've worked for. Like, the devotion to cricket dwarfs people playing casual basketball and other pickup sports, by far. I kind of wish there was a healthy activity that had that kind of draw in my area.

For a while, those activities used to be Pokemon Go and Quidditch, but they seem to have mostly fallen off by now, and they're also mostly focused on very young people.

I have to say I don't agree with a few items on your list. Don't have children or "get" animals just because you want something to fill the void. That's some kind of slavery.

Specifically on "getting" an animal, if you do get an animal, get one that's actually in need. Only evil people buy animals from breeders.

I think we have a difference of opinion here. I think whatever works, works. Good luck on your journey!

Slaves work. Doesn't mean it's okay to have them.

Makerspace / hackerspace. Mine does an open house every week and maybe 3-10 classes or other events most weeks.

The one I'm a member at basically has an open door policy during business hours and runs 4-6 events per week, sometimes more. I run events there myself multiple times a month.

To be honest, the regulars there kind of feel like drifters. Not really working on anything, not really socializing. A lot of them talk a big game about crypto and entrepreneurship, but don't ever seem to make progress on their goals. It's not the healthiest place socially to spend a lot of time.

Wine Bars work for us. When you go, sit at the bar, introduce yourself & your companion to the bartender, ask them for their favourite wine, specify red or white, if you know, if not, trust the bartender. Drink the glass slowly, while you chat up every person at the bar.

Pubs and bars would be my suggestion too, although you will inevitably wind up meeting a higher than average number of problem drinkers.

It can be a bit of a drag if you become too familiar in your local drinking spot as people might approach you even if you're just trying to quietly read on your own.

Eh, I'd rather not make a regular habit of drinking in bars. It really messes with my workout the next day.

If you live in an area with a craft brewery scene, ask them about which night of the week is slowest. Offer to host an event... trivia, board games, a hobby meet up, whatever you are interested in... you can even make it a destination for a running or biking club... on that night. They'll usually be happy to advertise it in order to get a few more people in on the "dead" night and you'll have a regular place to go to indulge something you enjoy while meeting new people.

I've done this twice at two different breweries and at this point the groups are self-sustaining with Facebook & Discord groups managed by other group members.

I don’t recommend the kids one. You might get to talk to some people, but only about kids, and only in 10 second intervals before being interrupted by said kids. Also, when you go back home, you still have to take care of them.

Lots and lots of people say they've rebuilt their social circle as a result of having kids and making friends with other young parents. I think it definitely works for a lot of people.

Oh, you should have kids to solve your social problems then!

Doing my best! I think it would also bring a lot of joy to my elderly, extremely isolated mother.

Sweet reason! Any thought to the human life you’ll create, or the enormous amounts of personal responsibility that will ensue?

You don't seem aware of the fact that a majority of adults expect to start a family and have it be a significant source of happiness in their lives.

Yes, you’re right and I’ve been obscene and annoying. I’m sorry. I have kids and know many parents. I think it’s odd to use these ancillary reasons as motivations for having kids because the change to your life is so huge and profound (and the implications of creating a new human are even bigger!), so that the idea that a person would embark on that as a mechanism to solve their social problems is a baffling way to look at it to me. Words can’t even describe the profundity of the impact. It would be like joining the military to get green clothes. Also, it doesn’t even work. Sure, you’ll talk to other parents at bbqs and kid birthday parties. But you mostly won’t have time for a meaningful social life, because it’s work, kids, bed for many years. And the social events you do have are severely constrained by the presence of kids. You just wait to find out how much nap and eating schedules dominate your life, and how meaningful of a conversation you can have with these parents while you’re both parenting. Not only do you have little social time, but you will not having YOU time and will lose a big part of your current identity as a result. A major part of your life is redirected into serving the needs of your kid, and you and your pleasure, and your social needs and whatever else go on the back burner. So forgive me for being snarky, but this strikes me as overwhelmingly absurd. And also I probably have low emotional energy due to taking care of kids after working all day…. But yes, fast forward 10 years and I’m sure it’s a different picture. But that’s quite the investment. I’d just join a trivia group or something.

That is a great list, each time I thought of something ... it was already on your list.

Work could be expanded:

* Standups and daily rituals

* Company organized, team building / social events

  * Habitual things like "Friday Pub"

  * Not so habitual things like "Christmas Do, End of Quarter Celebration"

* Ad hoc group things organized within the company, e.g. Wednesday's rock climbing. You are not necessarily 'friends' with the people yet. Often sports.

* Friends you have made at work and planned things outside of work with, to do regularly.

This kind of thing gets less rewarding when you work remotely. We tried a "Friday pub" Zoom call and people basically stopped dialing in after 2-3 weeks.

CrossFit. I forgot to mention CrossFit.

- Car club. I am happy 1972 VW Bus owner in SF bay, it's somewhat easier to make friends, and also to hang out. I encourage every hacker to <stikethrough>sell your Tesla and</stikethrough> buy VW bus/bug, and if you want to, I can give you a free bus tour in SSF, as well as tips/advice on buying such a bus. There is a good number of events in SF bay to go to

Ha ha, it's a little challenging to be a gearhead if you live in an apartment building.

That's exactly what I do. I park my bus in the apartment garage. It fits well and under security cameras. All minor fixes I do myself on a parking lot, for something more significant I go to a shop

Public skatepark is a great place to make friends from all walks of life. Another great activity-based one is motorcycle group rides. Otherwise hosting weekly event nights at home. There's also a fair amount of "rationalist" or Effective Altruism events in the Bay Area for IRL HN-like intellectual discussion, dinners, movie nights, and what not.

I'm not sure the coworking spaces not being effective is correct. I've never used one, but a friend of mine gained an entire social circle through a coworking space after moving to a new city. Some of those people are now my friends as well.

I think coworking spaces are 80% about socializing. People don't even have to talk to each other, it's about being in the presence of other humans.

I've been at one for 6 months now, and... nada. I've been thinking about a WeWork membership, but it's twice as expensive as what I'm paying now.

Any hobbiest club? From martial arts to magic the gathering if you are interested in something and in a non-rural setting you likely have a club that meets regularly for that interest.

https://meetup.com

I'm not affiliated with them, just a happy customer.

I've been a customer of theirs for about 15 years at this point, but I wouldn't call myself very happy.

Weekly bar trivia? Although I get there's a bit of a chicken and egg thing with becoming part of a team.

Ha ha, definitely true about the "chicken and egg" thing. I'm pretty good at trivia, and I tagged along with some friends-of-friends to a few trivia nights when I used to live on the east coast. We took first and second a few times, but then the group kind of fell apart and I stopped being able to get a team together. Fun while it lasted!

Bars. May or may not be the type of company you want.

Find a locals bar, then you'll have everyday regulars.

For me, as a student, it's university. I am also looking to start membership for gym too.

Twitter Spaces! You can find anyone to talk about anything.

Fight Club.

I still hang out with a few of my martial arts buddies, even though I dont go anymore, so you're not entirely wrong.

The StarCraft2 1v1 ladder hasn't been working out for making friends.

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