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Comment by RamblingCTO | Hacker News Reader

What the discussion about loneliness almost never talks about is skills that people that are lonely might lack or any mental health issues they might have. I had a very strong social anxiety 10 years ago. I never left the house. I lacked the skills to cope with that. (Therapy in that case helps.) If you're lonely because you don't know how to connect with people, that's an even easier skill to acquire (i.e. read "say what you mean"). I am quite good at connecting with people nowadays and don't feel lonely anymore because I learned how to tune in to my needs, how to communicate with other people and get my needs met. Took a lot of reading, practicing, failing and therapy, but imho that's a viable way to solve that on an individual basis. The modern society is way too disconnected because of false beliefs and easy traps to fall in to (apps "solving" your problem being the problem).

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Yeah, few people understand that basic human communication abilities are actually not given, but learned. If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all. The skills do come with practice, but that requires a great deal of discomfort, since you're knowingly putting yourself in situations which most likely do fail miserably due to your lack of social skills. Their fear of social situations is not unfounded but very real.

> If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all.

I think the struggle for a lot of adults is not in the interaction or in the start but in the maintaining relationships.

This is easy in school and university because of the free time and co-location, the challenge is to do it when we all go our separate ways.

In that sense I do feel like I lack the skills and the mental CRM system to keep walking those friendship footpaths before all the weeds and time make these footpaths slowly vanish.

Sure, but I think that's a different kind of loneliness than that of lonely people who have practically never had a proper friendship in their lives.

That's a point the book I mentioned actually touches. We're not in tune with our needs and don't work on our problems, so we focus on work, social media etc. But we lack the focus on what makes life worth living. It's human connection, being in tune with yourself, nature. You have to make the time to focus on these things. We are very easily distracted by non-important things. We have to put in the work to stay connected (to others and ourselves) and get our needs met, simple as that.

So what I'm saying is: not sure it's a skill problem (it might be if we're talking about staying connected to what you need) but a societal problem

What if I framed it as “helping people with what I can offer”? I am one person with one set of experiences. I would not claim to know what causes loneliness for everyone, and the helping hand that I offer might be of no help to many. But I try my best, based on my personal experience of loneliness and what I had wished to be there when I was lonely, maybe I can build something for that other person who may be going through something similar and they would cope with it faster and better that I had.

That is all. I am no messiah claiming to have a panacea for loneliness, but just a human being offering help to other human beings.

That's a lovely approach to the situation.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking about your app ;) I'm talking about social media apps, texting apps etc. I think your app could actually help someone feel good, maybe not in the long run, but a small moment of connection could go a long way. So keep at it and good luck!

No offense taken! I just wanted to share where I was coming from, and the future readers of this post would get a better context this way anyways.

Hopefully I can go further than making people feel good momentarily. I will think and work endlessly for that end.

I also suffered from a bad case of social anxiety. It probably does not work for everyone, but what really helped me was just going away for 4 weeks. I just returned from my holiday and forced myself to stay in hostels. I was terrified before (having to socialize with unknown people, blegh), but it has been amazing and am really looking forward to doing something like this again.

Again, I know it does not work for everyone, but sometimes throwing yourself in the deep, away from your own comfortable home situation, works wonders.

I see this advice a lot, and it's probably good advice, but my experience differs.

When I travel solo, I become much more introverted. I think that being in your own head has a stickiness to it, so if you're in it for a while, it's hard to snap out of it. You can also be quite weary after a day on the road.

You might also find solo travel difficult when you're around other people. I love solo travel when I'm in nature, but Friday nights in cities can be dreadful.

Still, you will meet people. You don't have to be extroverted, just open to talk. If you're not curious, other people will be. They'll throw you the ball. You just have to throw it back. Bless these people.

Maybe look at the culture of the people where you are traveling to if looking to break out of a shell of your own creation. Sitting at a bar in Ireland good. Sitting at the same bar in Sweden or Seattle bad.

I have a story related to this. It wasn't a bar, I was in Germany traveling without set destination by train (thanks, 9 euro ticket).

However, the stereotypically cold Germans were actually highly receptive of a random stranger talking with them. I was invited to changed destinations a few times to hang out in random cities, and started a couple friendships.

Of course those were also people taking advantage of the 9 euro ticket, so there's a lot of selection bias here. :)

I read that exposure therapy is one of the most solid tools in psychotherapy. So what you're doing is is exactly that! Travel helped me as well, coincidentally. Going alone on a train tip to the arctic circle for example. Staying in hostels. I met so many new people, that was really awesome. I'm glad to hear your doing better!

I also think that if you're avoidance strategy is withdrawing from social life, changing your location and not staying in all day is the key ingredient. You can't get your needs met at home.

I think the most important thing is just putting yourself in those uncomfortable situations. Even if it's awkward, even if you feel embarrassed for whatever reason, you'll have learned a bit more about how to interact with people. So next time will be less awkward. Then the time after that, less still.

This is what helped me, when I was in that position.

I did this when I was younger. I wouldn’t recommend it unless you have a specific plan on how you’re going to challenge your fears each day. I stayed in hostels for four weeks and only really managed to talk to a couple of people. The rest of the time I was by myself.

Were you an only child by chance?

Quite the opposite ;) why?

You say read "Say What You Mean" but there are multiple books with a title containing that phrase. Can you disambiguate?

Ah, didn't know that. I mean the one from Oren Sofer!

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