Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

81 pointsjascination99 comments

Worth saying up front: This isn't for a startup idea or anything like that, just keen to learn from the more-stable-than-Reddit minds of HN so I can get ideas for myself.

We have twin girls who are ~6mo old, and we're finally getting out of the "survival" stage and getting to the "parenting" stage. I'm finding that there are so many different schools of thought about absolutely everything, from pregnancy/birth to sleep training to Montessori to gentle parenting.

Specific things I'm curious about:

- Did you think about what sort of parent you'd like to be and work backwards?

- Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

- Did you align with a "style" of parenting?

- How did you use technology to help you?

- Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

- What would you do differently if you had your time again?

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All those "school of thought" are just trends.

Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on.

Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits.

But don't be a rude or too invasive parent, as they'll grow old and in around 12 years or so, they will start to judge you a lot and will become much more independent, you want them to have good childhood memories and remember that they have a supportive parent, not live full of resentment because their parents were so anal about following a trendy parenting method.

Help them to build relationship with friends and live in a safe community. Avoid having high expectations of them and just let them live peacefully their lives and make their own choices.

Let them from early on to make their own calls, even if you dislike it. This is where parents usually fail, they don't let their kids do what they want. And of course, if those calls don't work well, make sure they feel responsible for it.

Don't get them into 10 different activities, like music, swimming, football and so on, so they find their "gift" or some kind of BS. Let them do what they want and help them follow their interests.

In the end, you have much less control than you think you do.

Also, as you added 2 new human beings to the world, make sure you invest time on them. If you'll pay for a nanny, have them most of the day at school and so on and excuse yourself for doing those things to "put money at the table" or whatever excuse... start by changing yourself and finding a career that enables you to give them time.

Your time is the most precious resource you can give them.

Parenting strategies, like war plans, rarely survive first contact with the enemy.

every parent has a plan until their child has a nuclear melt down demanding chocolate and cake at 3 am in the morning

I like this thread :D But be good to yourself too. You don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, as long as you are nice to your kid(s) most of the time.

What are you implying? Drug the kids cake so that we can sleep?

I though I've laid it out: you don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, so please don't suffer because you cannot always adhere to your own quality standard ("no cake at 3am"). I say this because many do and suffer when they are not perfect. And they think they are alone in this.

> In the end, you have much less control than you think you do.

I love how you articulated this.

It really sums up how I feel them times I get too strict on things "because it will be good for their future". Not saying it is not necessary sometimes, but don't expect things will work as planned regardless how much you enforce it.

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention

Specifically this one - spend time with your kids is the most valuable thing you can do. To understand my own character and how my parents affected it, I liked Jesper Juul (e.g. "Your Competent Child"). Its well thought through and reflecting, starting with yourself instead of the child.

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things.

Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it.

The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent your children forever from trying it, but it is a huge difference whether they are exposed to it at 12 or 18. Nobody argues "let children drink and smoke and decide for themselves whether it is good or not".

EDIT: one important aspect is credibility and example. Kids will of course pick up on it if you are addicted to the phone, while you don't let them use it. "Do, don't tell", etc.

Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end.

Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, why can't they do whatever they like? This smells like abuse.

Is it really different if a kid is exposed to cigars at 12 or 18? I don't think so. I just wouldn't give them cigars and would make sure that they know how bad this is for their health, as well live in a community that would lessen the likelihood of such thing happening. You don't have control of whether this will happen though.

But in the end, they'll fulfil their own destiny, if their ultimate destiny is to smoke cigarettes or do heroine when they grow up, let it be.

Try to conquer them with your example, and they will want to follow your footsteps. But if you are boring adult with a shitty life and sad, be sure they'll find another example to aspire to.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

Would a nomad from 2000 years ago prefer your jar of honey or roaming for 3 hours to find a few berries and a squirrel ?

You should look at "formative years", how habits are formed and picked by young kids, &c. they are sponges, much more than adults are

> They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are.

Apps are designed to keep you engaged and kids, just like adults, need time to get bored. Being bored and having nothing to do is when imagination and creativity grows

Lol at not letting them use a tablet as much as they want being abuse. Maybe their room is clean and their grades are good but they aren't developing social skills because the tablet is their only hobby.

IMO, part of parenting is making choices for kids because their brains aren't developed enough to understand the consequences. As a 7 year old, I want cake now, I don't care that I will be obese later.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

Pretty much. Modern tablets and apps are hopelessly strong eyeball magnets for kids. You have to pry them away, sometimes physically, and everything else will seem boring in comparison.

> So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting?

I'm sure it varies from kid to kid, but my (now) 15 year-old always preferred visiting friends over generally unrestricted access to XBox or other electronic entertainments. It wasn't even close. Hell, even a bike ride or "adventure" with mom or dad was preferable, possibly because there would be a playground, treat, or other fun along the way.

Now that they're older, mom and dad don't have as much say, but most online time is spent with friends, but getting together IRL still trumps being online. Again, we try to encourage this by always saying "yes" to any remotely reasonable request to drive them somewhere, have some cash to hang out downtown, etc.

Device use is where smoking was 50 years ago. Everyone does it, most people kinda know it's bad for you. It's like eating candy instead of actual meals, doesn't have the balanced macros and vitamins of proper engagement+interactions.

A kid who doesn't spend 4-6 hours a day on a phone, and has some real-world stuff to stay busy with, is going to be miles ahead of everyone else in 10 years.

> A kid who doesn't sped 4-6 hours a day on a phone ...

Amen.

You need to compromise. What I do:

- No TV at all (except on holidays then they can watch as long as they want), without TV it is easier

- When coming home we all, parents included, don't use technology for 10 minutes, this is like a time-out, sometimes the children started to play and don't need technology

- Sometimes don't use technology the whole time, for example when going away, the parents also leave their cell phones at home

- Sometimes let the children be bored, boredom is sometimes a great source of creativity

- Sometimes let them use technology as long as they want so that they learn to feel what this means

- Friendly ask them what they are doing

- One-click buy or similar things are a way to lose money

- Try to create incentives, like: you can stay at home alone, but today nobody is using any technology, you can read books or go with us

- Be sincere, open and friendly and admit that you yourself are fallible, alway try to discuss and find a common understanding

- Try to influence, like gaming is better than watching Youtube, some Youtube channels are better than others, and so on

The idea is: Sooner or later your children will have contact with the manipulative virtual world outside. You can't avoid it. Try to steer somewhat, but you will sometimes fail. Accept your failings. Stay relaxed. Be authentic.

Good luck!

The only thing I can add, life is not a race. Nobody want's to be the first at the finishing line. So encourage them not only to do serious stuff but also fun stuff. And don't take the serious stuff too serious, they will get there in their own time.

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on

My spawn is 15 years old, and this has always been my #1 goal. In fact, it led my family to sell our house in the burbs and move downtown to a city. I worked in the city and my better half outside the city. As a result of the move, we were both about 20 minutes away from home and, unlike my previous 1 hour commute, I could be available to coach afterschool sports or do AM dropoff.

Father of three here. This is great advice, thank you.

Agree with just about everything except that preventing access to technology is BS. It’s almost certainly not and you don’t want a kid relying on a tablet for entertainment or having access to some very bad perspectives online.

- Spend quality time with them (not browsing your phone while you pretend to play).

- Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say. So if you tell them to clean but you don't, it won't work.

- If you want them to do something, you can spend hours arguing and pushing them with no success. But if you offer to help (even if you don't do anything really), they'll gladly do it together with you.

- Kids do not need expensive toys, I've thrown away tons of costly buys, while they choose to play with some paper packaging or a wooden stick found outside.

- Read stories every evening before you put them to bed. They will want to read later.

- Just be yourself, they don't judge.

- Also, sometimes they're just too young for what you expect them to be able to do. Until 3-4, they operate mostly on emotions.

Reading. You can combine "learn from your behaviour" and "read stories" by showing them how much you enjoy books (by enjoying books). A good reader has so many advantages, and so much more to enjoy.

> Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say

This so much. I have a 3-yearold, it's enough to see a behavior once and they will repeat it at one point. They don't understand the reasoning behind actions, they notice patterns and learn by adopting those patterns. Eg, I marked her height with a pen on the door frame, and she used it as an excuse a few days later to draw on the wall, because daddy did it. But don't be afraid to share feelings, they sense it, so it's nice to explain when dad or mum are stressed, angry, etc, meaning try to explain feelings rather than loose your temper, shout or argue (seems self evident doesn't it, but they can push you over the edge). They will pick up on how you handle emotions...and their emotions are big, like really big, so they need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

> Kids do not need expensive toys,...

Completely agree with this point. It's the bulky plastic toys that are the most wasteful. One exception for us was good quality roller blades and a good balance bike. We wanted to help our kid with her motor skills and to spend more time outside. She started riding the bicycle before the age of 2 and we go hiking as well, learning to ice skate & roller blade before age 3. A lot of other parents in our circle seem to be more protective and think it's too early for outside activities like this.

In the next year or two, try to get settled in a kid-friendly neighborhood where there are at least some good families with similar-age kids nearby. Schools need to be good, but don't obsess over the best. Try to stay there, or close enough to not upend their social lives, until they're through high school. Good, stable friendships are important for social development.

By age 3-ish, get the kids into the habit of helping with regular household chores. Yes, it'll take more time than just doing it yourself. Like teaching 'em to talk, you are investing in social development. And having real-world useful skills (vs. being a talking pampered pet) can be important to self-esteem.

Having some quality extra-curricular activities is important, but do not let yourself slip into the "my kid's doing more/bigger/better rat" race. A mix of a few stable, ongoing things (like soccer) with occasional "let's try this for a bit" stuff (say, piano lessons) can give 'em some variety, and perhaps stumble on them loving music.

From what I've seen, having at least one team sport that they enjoy is pretty important for teen girl self-esteem.

For some kids, things like travel league sports and horse shows are extremely important. But if you don't have the kind of time & money that those require, then either gently steer them away early, or be up-front with them about the economic facts. How you handle the latter is more important, long-term, than the immediate situation. Unless you're a Bezos/Musk/Gates/etc., your kids will get regular exposure (if only through social media) to other kids who are "obviously" wealthier, luckier, better looking, ...

I would say do not lose sight of the big picture. The topmost responsibility of parents is: To prepare them for adult-hood.

The following cross-cuts anything the child decides to do in future:

1. Being mentally tough

    * Dealing with success & failures
    
    * Dealing with conflicts

2. Money

    * Importance of money & saving

    * Importance of investing

3. Communication skills

    * Focus on effectiveness of communication

    * Importance & ability to sell

Edit: Its fine that as a parent you might not be well versed with all of the above. I am certainly not. Learn along with them. I make my deficiency in certain things e.g ability to sell as example to my kids to not to become like me.

Edit2:

If you have male child:

   * Teach them how to be respectful towards women

If you have girl child:

   * Teach them to be financially independent

To both:

   * Teach them that beauty is not permanent. It has short shelf-life and it quickly loses its utility after ~35. All that remains in later age is personality.

I agree especially with #1. You can see the children that were never told no and never challenged. They fail spectacularly when mom and dad aren't their to hold their hand in the real world.

I strongly agree with the last points. My daughter is a very pretty and stylish engineer that has built a firm financial foundation and has no debts. Because of this, she is free to take risks that others can only dream of.

"All parenting advice is BS" ... paraphrasing from a friend who had 6 kids, and says that she had to be an entirely different Mum to each of them, as what they needed / what worked, was different for each child. That said, making sure you're around for them enough not at work all the time, is very important. Reading quality books with them so they find reading a fun and exciting way to discover the world rather than a chore to make the grade in school, is good. Teaching them to "love your neighbour as yourself" while also not being a push-over, is good, leads to decent friendships, hopefully decent relationships when they grow up. That's it really. :) I think its hard for a decent loving caring adult, who listens to their kids, to screw up too badly. Sometimes you try one technique for a while and it appears to blow up in your face but works in the end, or you change tack then that works. Sometimes they'll have tantrums and express rage and disgust at you, then a bit later tell you you're the best parent in the world and that actually not letting them do "Thing X which is dangerous / bad for them" means you actually DO care about them after all. ;)

Our strategy so far with our 3yr old is to invest time and effort into emotional and social development. We avoid smartphones and screens, except for video calls with grandparents. We've seen the effects of "screenism" up close with relatives. After that comes physical development and skills, plastic knife, dancing, bicycle, etc. Academics is last in our list, we figure there will be a time for that later. She wants us to read bedtime stories and adores books, so there will be a desire to learn all the letters, numbers etc... One other important thing, we don't want to break her spirit, so if she doesn't want to something, we respect her boundaries when she says no. Of course, some things aren't negotiable (like brushing teeth), but it's paramount for her to have a sense of control and autonomy (giving choices is also important). Eg, if I pick her up, but she protests, I will apologize for not asking first. Sometimes these little things matter to them a lot.

For twins specifically, have them checked for congenital muscular torticollis. Ours suffered from that and we only caught it due to an observant mother at a playground. It’s easily correctable if caught young.

Raised three kids, each had a different personality, learning style, needs, strengths, interests.

Suggest you observe your kids and figure out what works for each of them. One size does not fit all.

For us, co-sleeping worked well.

We tried toilet training one kid too early. Pointless stress. Six months later they had no problems.

We let our kids have computers, tablets and phones early, but confiscated them each night to encourage sufficient sleep. One kid borrowed a hand-me-down Gameboy from a friend to get around this. Only caught them because it showed up on our WiFi.

IMO screen time limiting apps do not work well. Kids are creative at circumventing them and are happy to play whatever games are available to them. Confiscation works well.

We bought them quality devices and quality cases. They only broke a couple screens over the years. “Find my device” was very helpful.

Beats headphones absolutely suck for reliability.

Only one tech-related regret so far: in the first year of high school we accidentally let one child play too many computer games, which tanked their grades for a semester, which messed up their chances of attending our over-subscribed state university system (which admits almost solely based on unweighted high school GPA.) They had to attend a much more expensive, somewhat lower ranked, out-of-state school. They did well there, but it was an expensive mistake.

The best thing I learned from a lot of kids in the friends group is that all kids are different, do things in different ways, and develop at different rate, so... just go with the flow. Most things are ok if they work for both kids and parents. What I learned from a group of doctor friends is that a lot of bad stuff comes from parents trying too hard. (like if you keep waking up while cosleeping maybe the problem itself is that you're trying to cosleep with a 1yo)

I've also learned to pretty much ignore books that aren't based on large enough numbers. There's so many "here's how to deal with kids written by someone with experience with their 3 kids" which just doesn't generalise.

TV as such, we're avoiding as a family anyway. But if the kid is sick and nothing helps... A tablet with Octonauts can save the day.

As a father of an autistic kid, the only thing I can say is that be present and spend quality time as much as you can. Even if it is just an hour of you and your kid doing nothing, staring at nothing, playing at the same old toy. That hour of play will mean the world to your children. The more present you are as a parent, the less fussy as the kid grows up.

Lots of good advice so far. I'd like to add some more thoughts.

My wife and I have two biological children and then adopted a young boy (15, 11, and 3), with some fostering in-between.

We've had some extremely stubborn/strong-willed kids. At some point you will be at your wits-end, tired and out of patience. Just take a break and pick your battles. Is the argument/situation worth all of the hassle you are current going through? I don't think you should always give-in to your kids, but you don't want to keep escalating the situation over something minor.

As others have said, spend time on the floor playing with them. Read to them at bedtime.

Try not to yell and scream. One young child we had would match our energy level. If we yelled, he'd yell, and we'd get nowhere. If we stayed calm, we could usually work things out.

If they are in the middle of a meltdown, they probably aren't hearing what you are saying. Yelling at them some more isn't going to calm them down.

Keep in mind that they are learning and will push limits. They currently don't have the mental or emotional tools to deal with most things they are going through. Try to see from their point of view. They are going to see how much they can get away with. Parents need to set the boundaries and enforcement.

Be consistent.

I have many more thoughts but I had better stop here. Good luck and enjoy the process!

A lot of great points. Mostly though I just want to say kudos on the fostering/adopting, I’d like to do the same one day.

When my twins were about 6 months old I started reading to them before bed. 12 years later, I still read to them every night before bed. They are avid readers, and that has helped them so much in school. It is a routine that helped them settle and instilled a love for reading. (point of pride, I've missed < 21 days in 12 years)

TV on weekends, but not after school. No tablets or smart phones.

Kindle readers are their only tech.. This saves on the cost of physical books.

"The wolf cares not for fair." My kids know that life is not always fair.

Oh.. twin tricks. Alternating days one kid is "the leader" this means they get to pick the activities or what's for lunch ect. It also means they (as the leader) have to feed the dog and pick up the poop. Being a leader comes with power and responsibilities. Also they make deals with each other, because tomorrow they will not be the leader. When they have a disagreement, you simply have to say "Who's the leader?" and tada fight over.

Net safety. https://rickriordan.com/series/kane-chronicles/ Knowing someones real name (their REN) give the evil people power. Good books and you can use it to teach your kids about privacy.

Now.. not a style thing, but when you go through potty training get your kids CROKS. Pee on leather shoes does not wash off. Crocks a mall sink and a paper towel, and you're back to happy.

I became a father the first time when I was 20. The second time when I was 30. So based on my sample size of 2 and after some trial and error error error and debugging:

- Learn how to think, talk and act with empathy. To your kids, yourself and your partner. I use the Non Violent Communication Framework by Rosenberg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

- Understand that outspoken and non-outspoken family rules must suit the situation, be flexible, based on empathy and revisited when situations change. A.k.a. you get wiser, your kids gets older or when sh#it happens. I recommend the approach from Virginia Satir https://www.amazon.com/New-Peoplemaking-Virginia-Satir/dp/08... the inventor of familiy therapy

- If you want to be good enough parents, go on vacations (at least weekends) without your kids - from time to time, at least every half year. Your adult couple relationship is the RAM your adult parent-family-relationship needs to function. If your RAM runs out, then there is a high risk of a crash.

Note: Totally subjective nerd thoughts.

Children start with yourself. You will not ever be a perfect parent, so be kind to yourself and your partner. I know I've failed multiple times, but I at least try to live by the Reggio Emilia [1] approach:

The most important thing is to listen to your children and understand their needs, interests and ideas, and use them as the basis for learning and exploration. It is so much easier to foster them when you focus on their interests.

Recognize real accomplishments, document them and reflect on them with the children. Sometimes we just look at their first steps together.

We also have tried to create an environment where they can fail until they learn. As we say in the business "Fail fast" and encourage their independence by providing opportunities for them to make choices, solve problems, and take initiative. Even if the choice is "Do you want to eat carrots or broccoli with your dinner today?".

One thing that I need to improve on is to create opportunities our kids to interact with others (mostly due to Covid/the pandemic). Now that they are in preschool we see that they learn so much faster from others in their own age.

[1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reggio_Emilia_approach

Be there for your kids. We made career choices that prioritized our time with our children so we could be present, to the point that one major publishing firm knew I would be cooking dinner if they called me after 430pm.

Be fully present when you play with them. Really PLAY with them. Kids know when you are not paying attention.

Set firm boundaries. I once read that everything is new and novel for a child, so having firm routines and boundaries are comforting because they have a place that is safe and unchanging. You are not their friend, you are their parent. You might notice that people who try to be friends with their kids tend to spend little time with them...

Be a good and non-judgmental listener when they get older. They need you more at 14 than they do when they're 3, and the stakes are much higher.

Finally, be the person you want them to be. When my son was younger, I was obese, drinking, out of shape, whiney, unkempt and emotionally unstable. One day I realized that it didn't matter what I said, he watched who I was, and my words and actions didn't match up. I quit drinking, started weightlifting, went to a therapist. Funnily enough, these changes launched me out of a rut and into a much more fulfilling career. My son did model me, and now, when he struggles, I can talk to him about overcoming my challenges and it relates.

The most important thing to realize is your time with them is finite and you need to fiercely protect yourself against demands that take you away from giving them your full attention. You cannot comprehend how quickly your time with them at home goes by. You cannot reverse time. Your time is the only gift you have to give to your children.

> I would be cooking dinner if they called me after 430pm.

When is your dinner time? We have dinner at 6PM and I feel like freak to have dinner so early here in Europe and putting my kids to bed around 7:30, at latest before 8PM.

This was when my daughter was quite young, elementary school. Dinner at 500, bedtime at 800. Doesn't matter what others think, your kid needs food and sleep to meet their needs, not neighbors.

Excellent questions!

My wife stayed home with my son, so we didn’t need to get childcare- she didn’t have a high paying job nor a career, so it worked for us. It did mean going without for somethings, but we didn’t feel the need to buy stuff for him to make up missing time.

He went to a Montessori preschool (kindergarten) from about 3 years old. It matched my philosophy, in the sense of treating him like a mini adult rather than a toddler.

Primary school is a smaller (1.5-2 form years) which suited his personality.

Sports wise, a bit of swimming and some running occasionally.

We didn’t allow him to watch any screens for the 1st year, but now are a lot more relaxed.

Much like training dogs, where it’s the owner that requires the changing - I have changed a fair bit. My dad travelled a lot when I was a kid, so I didn’t see much of him when growing up - and when I did see him, he’d be drinking. So, I decided to be a positive role model - stopped drinking alcohol, regularly running/going to the gym and giving my son as much time as I can.

There isn’t much I’d change tbh - he seems content and confident in himself. Kind, shares well (this took a few years, ofc - it isn’t natural to share your favourite toy!).

Structure is important. Kids always attempt to overshoot boundaries or limits, and as they grow older, they get increasingly cunning at that. Toddlers often try crying or hysterics, which gradually morphs into argumentation (I didn't have a cookie yesterday, so I should have an extra one today), which morphs into subterfuge (either grabbing them when your aren't present, or first asking one parent, then the next).

Enforcing boundaries and limits is (in my opinion) one of the key aspects of parenthood, combined with clear explanations on why those boundaries exist. Careful moderation of boundaries leads to kids that aren't prone to outbursts (since those have no effect on you) and grounds them to reality.

Telling kids about how the world works or giving them information about history or science is a blast and careful insertion of total bullshit leads to them being critical of what they are told, and to question information handed to them. Obviously, you need to be overt with the bullshit at the beginning, and work your way into more subtle bullshit as they age to keep them on their toes. :-)

Kids wont listen to you kids don't care how much you have thought about something the way you are has more to do with who you are not what you think and the way they will be is more like what you are Your kids spend most of their time with people who are not you

control and choice is an illusion that follows a chain of high pressure, highly emotional situations.

Get a dog - learn to train it. Having kids is like that - except its cleverer than you, doesn't want to make you happy all the time and wages psychological warfare to figure out how to get what it wants at all times. Or at least the fun kids that will make you wish you had a plan in retrospect will.

When you have a second kid you will do things differently - you will be wrong then too. good luck

your kids wont like what you do - they are not you and they will value different things to you.

Help them discover that and support that - unless they don't want to. they wont.

My best advice would be to get good at minecraft.

> - Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

Others have made some great points, so I'll just address this one.

I would not necessarily recommend doing this, unless you're able to have a high degree of confidence in the causality of your parents' approach/behaviours/ to raising you. Otherwise it leads a lot to the "my parents beat me and I turned out fine"-type thinking which is -- IMHO -- flawed and illogical.

I'd like to think I turned out mostly fine, but my current life circumstances are so wildly different from my childhood that it's basically impossible to isolate confounding factors, and therefore use that as any sort of sound basis on which to raise my kid.

Edit: I just realised I answered the question "Did you think about what makes [YOU] a good kid and work backwards?" instead of what you actually asked. My apologies for misreading, but I'll leave my soapbox up!

You can't make a good kid. And you will fail at parenting. The technique is to fail slowly and get better.

But I have great parents and used to be an educator, so here are my tips:

listen, aknowledge, and explain why not. If you are good at making stuff up on the fly, you will avoid public crisis. Else you will get shamed, but you don't have to care.

Be yourself, and be one model for the kid. That means a bit of hiding disagreements. And teaming up with your SO against your children.

Do stuff with them, while leaving them alone (I'm an OK educator, kayakist and woodworker thanks to my dad, and know a lot about hospitals teaching and nursing thanks to my mom, still I am a SWE most of the time.). Like I said, you will fail.

Support them when they fuck up. Being there is often enough. Good luck.

And do not hesitate to make stuff up. I've visited a dozen tombs, saved an island and got rid of a pirate between the ages of 6 and 14, and nobody can make me think otherwise.

When you're at your wits' end, remember that your primary job is to keep them from killing/permanently injuring themselves, and that they will manage to injure themselves anyway. You will be amazed at how profoundly stupid they can be about some things (slipping off a chair they fell off of 5 minutes ago) and yet brilliant about others (figuring out how to get a baby gate open).

Just being around them, talking to them, letting them "help" cook and clean, and providing some board books that you also read to them (they might not sit still and listen until age 2 or so, don't worry) will set them up for learning the rest in due time.

Personally, I kept my 2.5-year-old kid away from video until he was nearly two, then started letting him watch a carefully curated list of downloaded non-violent nature videos on an old laptop when I need him distracted (like when I'm dealing with stuff in the oven). Neither of us watched much TV before he came along, so leaving it off wasn't a sacrifice. We ended up wall-mounting it over the piano we got due to some serious scope-creep on "how high to mount TV the kid is about to pull over on himself". Result? My husband got back into playing the piano, and the kid has gotten mostly past the banging random keys phase into picking one and sticking with it for a few seconds.

If he acts up when I stop the video, the laptop gets put away and doesn't come out again for a few days.

I do not intentionally let him handle my phone or tablet, and despite that, he knows how to swipe and tap, so I'm not worried about him not being able to use a tablet once/if it's required by the time he starts school.

From how he acted the few times he's been exposed to modern child-targeted media (the constant stream of Disney Jr. at his American cousins' house), I will continue to keep that sort of content to being a "not at home" thing. I don't care if he sees it at someone else's house, and I'll probably start bringing him to the movies when I think he can sit still for an hour or so, because he needs to know something about the culture his peers are marinating in.

Going to sit back & watch this one with interest. I imagine you're going to get a certain flavour of comments from the HN crowd...

My advice will be that every child is different. You'll get given 101 bits of advice & most of it will be useless in your context. When you do find something that works for you, great - stick with it. Even if it looks crazy to other people, if it works for you then that's all that matters.

Don't try to hard. There's no perfect parent or perfect child. Do what you think is best & the children will turn out just fine.

(Parent of a 10yr girl who just didn't sleep & a 6yr boy who thankfully did)

I'd spend more time with them and less worrying about how do do things. Every human has an innate sense of what is "right", and over-complicating things or getting into decision paralysis is not the way.

Let them explore stuff. Get their feet into a few puddles. Encourage experimentation. Tech is just a part of things, and although I thing it is too addictive these days by design, allowing curated access is fine, as long as stopping using it becomes part of the routine (any kids will nearly always prefer to be with you than watch TV if you're doing something interesting).

Every child is different, so planning to stick with some specific strategy won't survive the contact with reality. You try many different things and see what works.

> How did you use technology to help you?

Brushing teeth at first didn't work at all. My daughter just screamed all the time, every day. TV with some pop music sort of hypnotized her and finally brushing was possible. That was one early success with technology.

> Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

Our 3-year-old is allowed to watch TV in the evening. A big thing was to define the specific time - she knows she can watch only in the evening, so she doesn't nag us at other times. Before defining this time for watching, she kept nagging all day long, in a way it was a torture for both us and her.

She prefers youtube (on a tablet), but it's sort of like TikTok for kids. A lot of short, stupid dopamine spikes. So we try to limit that and play actual cartoons with stories on Netflix.

We also try to introduce her into some games on the tablet so that the entertainment isn't passive watching only.

One perhaps controversial things I try to teach my daughter is to make sure she knows that we parents are the decision makers and what we say is also what will happen. That doesn't mean a lack of empathy, we try to explain our decisions as much as possible and we do yield sometimes when the situation warrants it.

Regarding the nagging. We always been pretty relaxed in term of sugar, candy, ice creme and snacks in general. As long as she eats real food first, we don't impose strict limits on when our daughter can eat snacks.

The result is pretty interesting, she's eats a lot less than any other child I know, almost never nags about candy and never over-eats. When we see friends it's pretty clear that they child have an unhealthy relationship to snacks. It is a constant nagging and if they the parents finally cave in, the kids will eat as much as possible as quickly as possible.

In Capital Reef National Park, there's a hike called Angel's Landing. You wind up on this ridge with a 500 foot drop on one side, and a 1000 foot drop on the other. And the ridge is not that wide - only a couple of feet in places.

Parenting is like that. You see a (metaphorical) cliff that you can fall off of. So you back away from that cliff. But you have to keep in mind that there's another cliff behind you that you can also fall off of.

Take discipline, for instance. You can ruin your children by being too strict. You can also ruin them by being too permissive. Don't avoid one kind of problem so hard that you cause the other kind of problem.

And be careful of parenting books. You will have a tendency toward one cliff and away from the other. The books that will resonate the most with you are the ones that tell you to avoid the cliff that you're already biased against. They aren't the books that you actually need. You need the ones that help you avoid the cliff that you are biased toward.

Pay attention. When something stops working, at least consider changing what you're doing.

And, be forgiving of yourself. You're going to make mistakes. Do the best you can.

What would I do differently? I would have given my children more of my time and mental energy, and been less selfishly trying to protect my mental space.

Some principles I (random internet stranger) parent by:

- there are no bad kids. Bad behavior is always driven by something a kid is struggling with. If they are doing bad things it’s your job to connect with them, find out what they are struggling with, and help them feel loved and secure. Often this is just about naming the thing, expressing sympathy and unconditional love, letting them cry in your arms for a bit. You’ll know what the thing is by how they crumble when you name it. Like, “are you trying to get attention because we are running around packing the car for the holiday and you are scared we will forget you?” for example. And magically the behavior will stop.

- when they are young, they are so tiny and their emotions are so big. Always remember it must be a terrible experience to be so angry that you lose the ability to walk or talk coherently in, say, a line at a supermarket.

- maintaining emotional connectedness is the overarching goal. I want to be able to sit in the same room with my child, and feel comfortable, open, and connected to them without having to manufacture an activity or break the silence.

- for the first decade, literally any time you want to do something with your kid, they will be up for it. Second decade, not so much. There is no such thing as too much time in the first decade. Your appetite will diminish way before diminishing returns set in.

Oh, and on the spending front, I have learnt that there is very little incremental benefit from ‘good enough’ to ‘the best’. For any purchase, work out what good enough looks like and target that. The best will almost always contain some fraction of the price that targets a parents insecurity.

Our approach overall in raising out 2.5y/o and 6m/o boys is a consistent one I think, but we don't have a particular strategy thought out in advance. We go with the flow. We pick up on queues, to eg. start potty training when he shows interest in it. No use in forcing it before then. Our 6m/o still spends many nights sleeping between mom and dad. Getting him in and out of his own bed & room after breastfeeding is not so easy, so better have relaxed parents in the morning than tired ones. So, yes, very much now also coming out of the survival mode.

Concerning technology, if anything, I have to keep technology (ie. my phone) away from myself to not use it on the side while playing with my kids. I feel terrible each time afterwards; the addiction is strong.

But for our oldest, no iPad or something, unless very very occasionally on our lap to play some puzzle game. Our TV can do YouTube Kids, and he really likes to watch stuff with tractors or cranes etc. I hate that stuff since it just watching some kid play with tractors and it just goes on and on. If he has to watch TV to cool down after some intense playing (head or body), I'd rather put on Peppa Pig, Pat & Mat, Shaun the Sheep or Sesamestreet, anything that has at least a story and maybe some educational content to it. Not just mindless stuff.

- Did you think about what sort of parent you'd like to be and work backwards? Yes, my dad was pretty great so except for a few bad things I try to be like him

- Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards? Yes but also about what sucked about being a kid and was unnecessary vs necessary.

- Did you align with a "style" of parenting? My dad's style worked well, so yes if that is a style. I'd call it "laissez-faire within explained boundaries / rules".

- How did you use technology to help you? I mainly use it for my marriage (shopping lists, todos, etc) I don't use tech with my kids

- Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it? They didn't know what an ipad was until they were ~ 5. After that it was introduced to them as a tool versus something to goof around on.

- What would you do differently if you had your time again? Not worry so much about money and let the kids feel the stress. They have no concept of income and expenses they just want their parents around in a stress-free mood.

None of my kids got any screen time (including TV) until 2 or 3 years old. This was a good decision, but perhaps it should've lasted until about 5. Technology was a huge problem, and I think contributed incredibly negatively to their mental and physical well-being.

The truly bad decision was giving my first child personal devices at about age 7 -- because he was very interested in them and I thought it would be a good hobby. This meant old laptops and phones we had lying around. If I had a second try, I would try to postpone personal devices until they are 16, or at least 12 -- the longer the better. I had plenty of fights with my second kid about my monitoring of those devices and letting them have phones in their rooms over the night -- and my second mistake was eventually giving in due to those fights. I now know that I would give exactly 0 inches on monitoring the devices and absolutely not let them have phones in their rooms over the night as long as they live in our house.

Note that educating your kids to stay away from devices kind of demands that you also don't use them while you're with your kids. They learn by example unfortunately. There might be my third mistake.

If I had any ideals about parenting, they are so long gone that I don't remember ever having them. People tell me that I listen to my children and negotiate with them more than parents usually do -- that might be a good idea. I think my overall tip is that you will make mistakes and you should not dwell endlessly on those mistakes. Move on, learn something, but don't ruminate. Children will make you a worse person that you thought you were, but they also make you a better person that you thought you could be.

(Also: if your kid is loud, protect your ears -- physical pain makes good parenting so much more difficult)

I don’t have kids yet, but I’ve given the topic some thought.

My approach is basically “don’t repeat the mistakes of my parents, but don’t oversteer in the other direction either”.

Goals: - foster curiosity while providing stability - don’t shove down my understanding as absolute truth, but discover conclusions together with them to a) align (which I think is very critical) and b) set them on a path of robust autonomy. I don’t want my kids to become dogmatic, because I don’t believe in dogmatic people.

I don’t think of technology as an important tool wrt parenting. Parenting, to me, is about trust and alignment, while technology is an extension of the self. Accordingly, kids should only have access to tech as a means to help them grow.

When the time comes, I would read into the topic of dopamine and make sure not to be irresponsible wrt fast media exposure for early-stage developing brains.

I would not subscribe to predefined styles of parenting. Advice of the past has rarely proven useful in environments subject to immense change, and I think that parenting is such an environment.

They say children are the impatient version of a self. I think there's a lot to that. There is nothing like the intensity of a relationship between a child and his or her parents.

And there is no blueprint. Since every relationship is unique, everyone has to learn for themselves how to act in that relationship.

The real "problem" is that children have a much more accurate view of how adults are controlled than the other way around. They recognize very early the knobs and dials they need to operate to get you to do something. Was probably built in by nature as a survival advantage right away.

We have a share of autism in our family, fortunately more along the lines of Asperger's. In my experience, communication at eye level is a basic requirement. You don't become an authority because you know better, but when the other person realizes to learn when they listen to you.

Children have to find their own rhythm, how they want what, when and how intensively. They must first experience freedom to understand that there must also be limits where it becomes dangerous. The fewer boundaries, the more meaningful they become.

And most importantly, there are no wrong choices. Every decision contributes to the development of the relationship. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe in 10 or 20 years a mistake will turn out to be an absolute stroke of luck. As long as there is trust and love in the relationship.

I once tried to stop my daughter (she was 4) from going barefoot in the snow. My instinct was to tell her not to. My wife just grinned, opened the door and let her out. Not 30 seconds later, our daughter was wildly knocking on the door. She was cold.

So when given the choice between learning and experience, whenever possible one should choose the experience. Because that is what is remembered. So my daughter and I both had an important lesson that day.

I’m no parent, yet, but I can say that when comparing different parenting styles I witnessed over the years, parents who put more attention to develop and nourish the competency to self-accept, to steer with rational insight, to not use shame and blame to nudge behavior (while also working on to empower their children to withstand shaming and bullying by the outside world), to feel their emotions to develop competency in emotional regulation, to make them feel safe and playful while never losing the sight for the bigger goals, to give and show unconditional love, to not bind rewards to soothing of emotionally pressured/stressed states, produced much more content and successful children.

Of course, these concepts are very difficult to teach in the very early years, but it is the very first years that are very formative for all the schemas that will haunt your child throughout the rest of their lives.

But again, I don’t have children and I’m no expert on this so please don’t follow my advice.

Asking these questions means you are on track to being a great parent. Otherwise you will just end of parenting the way your parents and society parented you- but you can probably do better in some way. It was eye-opening to see the difference in default behavior between me and my spouse (she is naturally more empathetic and a lot better with kids) and how that corresponded to our own upbringing.

The foundation of good parenting is to have empathy and to be accepting of your children’s emotions. At the infant stage a great resource for this is RIE [1]. You can look for your old podcasts by Janet Lansbury who articulates this approach well. For an older age, the book “how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” is a classic. “Hunt, Gather, Parent” is also a great book for understanding this and other parenting concepts in a larger cultural context.

[1] https://rie.org/

Mostly I look at other kids and families, identify what I like and don’t like about them, and work backwards from that.

For example I saw a family at a restaurant and the kids were watching videos on their phones with earphones in, while eating. It sickened me and I will never allow devices at the dinner table.

Another example, I’ve seen parents bring their kids to concerts and sporting events, despite being young and/or having a questionable level of interest. I liked how it seemed to broaden their horizons, and it seemed to me that it’s just as important to have kids join in your experiences where appropriate, as it is for you to join in theirs.

One other important thing I noticed is that your stance on something is only as good as the weakest link that enforces (or doesn’t enforce) something. I have in-laws that cave as soon as their are tears, and it has made it difficult to enforce things like “treats come after you eat your meal”.

No kids of my own, but I grew up with a big family. This means I got to reflect on the various stages of other people's development at every point in my own development.

The clearest pattern to emerge was that negative personality traits in the parents led to bad outcomes for the kids. Nobody is perfect, but much of this can and should be resolved before starting a family.

In early childhood they imitate you. Then they give you (sometimes very harsh) feedback about what's wrong with your way. Then they pick and choose what to imitate from their peers. All your questions are concerned with what happens in that later stage when they choose to follow their peers.

No offense, but I think you probably already know where you're at with own personal growth and don't need your kids to tell you a few years from now?

Don't overthink it, and like others have said you don't have as much control as you think beyond your natural charisma and success in life otherwise.

Slightly further away than you with a 15 month old girl. Did a bunch of litterature read before she was born, as well as examined our own raising (my wife grew in a very strict environment whilst I grew up in a do whatever you want environment).

I'd say the following principles apply for us:

- Don't make your life harder. Parenting is tough enough as it is without adding behaviour because of "what will people think". For instance, the UK has very strict guidelines about sanitising baby bottles and milk. According to those (and you'll actually get told of if you don't do it), you're supposed to boil water then cool it down before you can make a baby bottle and other stuff like that. Other countries have no such rule and don't have more disease or mortality, and some actually removed those rules a couple years ago. Doing things "just to be on the safe side" leads imo to over anxiety and guilt whenever something goes wrong.

- Overall Montessori-ish approach to parenting, with a lot of focus on independant play, but also providing her with an environment that will challenge her (rotating toys, giving her different type of material etc.). Similarly she started sleeping at 6 month in a mattress on the floor, not a cot, so that she can start exploring her room by herself when she wakes up in the morning. I say "montessori-ish" as there are a couple stuff of the philosophy we don't like, first of them being "no imagination base play". Maria Montessori did not want children to waste time on unicorns and so on as they are not part of the real world and can dillute their learning. But I would wager that todays world, with video games, movies etc. makes those concept just as useful as knowing what a donkey is. And we value imagination a lot. However, that stops at "pretend play", I'd rather her play by holding an actual carrot whilst I cook (and in some time, actually helping), rather than having a plastic kitchen to pretend cook with.

- In terms of "limits", we treat her like we would like to be treated. No arbitrary limit that has no reason to exist, for instance, we don't try to force her bed / nap time at a specific time and try to lean on her sleepiness instead. In general that has made bed / nap time pretty smooth albeit not really predictable days in advance. That also helped a lot when travelling (plane / car / train) as she usually will nap during those time even if it's not at a "specific nap time".

If you provide a stable supportive home environment and encourage curiousity then evidence suggests [1] that their life outcomes will likely be optimal. Helicopter parenting, cramming, etc, only briefly push up the metrics. (My two are teens.)

And that, your hono[u]r is the justification for my parenting style!

[1] Blueprint, Robert Plomin, 2018

> Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

I did not allowed them to watch TV/cartoons. When I eventually shown them some cartoons, their games became more warried and more interesting. It likely had zero impact in the long term, but it did artificially limited their imagination at the start. It was at the age when they did not liked me to read them yet, before age of three.

I dont regret not showing them cartoons before, but I would not bothered to limit it again either. Just one of those things that I know think did not mattered at all. Its only impact was that I concluded that "your kid will have better imagination without that" talking point is nonsense.

Have you read Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One) by Dr. Deborah MacNamara?

If not, I highly recommend you do that. It helped me a lot in understanding some fundamentals. My kid is 4 years old now.

As a general advice, I'd say no matter how you approach it, don't be too hard on yourself or your kids. There will be times when you'll have no time for your kids. And that is fine. Just be fully present whenever you're with them. When kids grow up, they remember specific moments and events with their parents that shape their thinking.

All the best!

The one thing you need to keep in mind is that ALL parents screw up their kids in some way or another, its impossible to be a perfect parent as humans are not perfect. You just gotta try to do your best, educate yourself as much as you can and use your own judgement. Don't worry too much, you'll become a better parent the longer you do it as you'll have more experience.

Try to talk to parents of older children and ask for their advice, try to also talk to parents that are outwith your own friends/culture circle too. Even if they've raised their kids in a wildly different way to how you have, their knowledge helps you decide how you want to parent, even if its the opposite of them.

>The one thing you need to keep in mind is that ALL parents screw up their kids in some way or another, its impossible to be a perfect parent as humans are not perfect

I disagree. Imperfection is a feature. Kids can't just deal with perfect people all the time, they need to deal with the world as it is. That's not to say anything goes, but if the outcome of parenting is supposed to be a well adjusted adult some imperfection is good.

> Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

No, I think about what makes a good adult and work backwards.

Teach them skills. Teach them how to look at the world with a critical eye. How to solve problems. How to adapt to changing situations. How to learn. How to communicate and work well with others. Teach them "why" you set the boundaries you do. Most importantly, teach them how to figure out who they are and what they want from life, and how to get there.

Obviously at 6 months, little of that applies yet. But don't get so caught up in 'parenting' that you forget that your job is to one day have them fly free and succeed without you.

Just the fact that you are asking these questions is already a good sign. You'll read and hear about a million different ways of raising your children but I think that if you stick to the basics they'll be fine.

Here's my "advice":

- Practice kindness

- Be patient

- Be present

- Take care of your mental health

You won't be able to follow this 100% of the time and that's ok. No one can. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Use git so you can revert to a previous version.

Might seem extreme but: I had a fairly good, reasonably happy childhood, definitely top 20th percent or so. For other reasons now going through counselling. Now have 2 small kids.

It made me realize how much of my childhood, and attitudes I took from it, wlare actually deeply screwed up. Literally none of it would come to mind without a psychologists help.

I'd say, do a favour to yourself, your kids and your partner, and give the same a try. You'll possibly come up with a ton of toxic stuff your kids don't need embedded in the deepest corners of their psyches.

You don't need any technology to be a parent. It won't help you. Limiting screentime is a good idea IMO. Especially when they are really small, you want them to experience and interact with what is real. A crayon and piece of paper is much better for learning fine motor skills and processing sensory input than an ipad with a drawing app. We still limit screen time for our three kids ages 8 thru 12. We don't keep them from technology at all, but we do put a hard cap on it so they know how it feels to be bored.

Like most I try to avoid doing my parents mistakes. Probably doing a bunch of new ones though. Can't avoid that.

As for general advice, kids are just really different. What works for some people is a combination of parent and child. There is no one size fits all approach.

As for TV/youtube, one of our kids can get quite obsessive about things. So we had to tell him the TV is broken and it is too expensive to fix. Because he had to learn to entertain himself more.

Regardles screen time should be very limited and a reward for good behavior.

The place where your children grow up can greatly impact their future, more so than any other factor [1]. It's not an easy decision or a simple fix for many, but where my kids would grow up was a major consideration for me when I made the choice to leave my birth country.

[1] https://www.gatesfoundation.org/goalkeepers/report/2019-repo...

I’m a big fan of Positive Parenting as taught by the YouTube channel Live On Purpose TV. They seem to be Mormon but they never actually admit it. It’s just great stuff, practical advice. It strikes my partner and I as common sense which is a good sign I think. Find a school of thought that fits and then tune in for tips and relatable stories.

https://youtube.com/@LiveOnPurposeTV

that's how they rope you in, ditto for scientologists. create good impressions, build a base, and then snipe a few of the biggest fans, focus on them and try to build converts.

common in other propaganda and marketing approaches, too; e.g. Pepsi v Coke, or subreddits about normal days in Russia, etc.

I see what you mean but these are well educated professionals who are just choosing to practice their positive psychology outside of their religious “niche”. Personally I’ve had a ton of great secular experiences with religious people, I’m sorry if you haven’t. Mormons, Sikhis, Muslims and many people at my Catholic University. I’ve learned a lot from them.

I'm the father of a newborn. I'm very hesitant about programs that require a child be enrolled in them until college or the entire project falls apart, leaving the child adrift in turbulent waters without a paddle. I'm not thinking about good or bad kid but resilient kid capable of adapting to change and thriving. Montessori seems to produce more fish out of water than air-sea amphibians who can thrive in both.

how do you get that impression?

just montessori in years 3-6 before school will be helpful. at that age it caters to the childrens curiosity and teaches them to be more independent (like learning to dress themselves and play on their own, even how to be careful with scissors and knives) so you don't have to worry about them when they start school.

sure, continuing montessori until later would be good, but that doesn't mean the first few years are wasted in case you don't continue.

and i strongly disagree with your last point. montessori teaches kids to learn on their own. a child that can learn on their own can thrive anywhere.

What works for you basically.

My general approach is to try and remember that you're bringing up a future (hopefully) functioning adult.

Sometimes it can get annoying when they keep asking why, but if you keep the above in mind it helps keep it rewarding for both of you.

Only tech for mine is a bit of TV before bed. BBC so no ads. The eldest has started school so he's doing a bit of computing. I'll keep them away from YouTube as long as I can.

There's a lot of great entertainment for children. We lucky enough to have DR (Danish version of the BBC) which produce really high quality children's TV. The various streaming service also have a lot of nice shows. My daughter loves Scooby Doo, so that actually something we can watch together.

As for YouTube... There's some really high quality content, for adults. For children, it is basically all garbage. There are a few harmless channels, but the YouTube algorithm will quickly steer the child toward the loud obnoxious content. Yeah, YouTube requires a high level of monitoring if you let your kids watch.

Document as much as possible. Have photos, videos, daily vlogs, diaries, school stuff all digitized and archived properly. Kids will be more grateful when they see for themselves all the stuff you did for them unconditionally. Most childhood memories are forgotten, but now thanks to technology we can save a lot of these golden moments forever.

Your job is to teach your children Love and Consequences, and help them understand that they may not be the most important person in the room (that is a subset of teaching them to love, but it's not so obvious).

I was going to write more, but it gets difficult since each child is so different.

Every single kid is different. Outside basic survival skills, rules and rewards have different reactions and adoption for each. Each has his/her learning style, interests, and pet peeves. If lucky there won’t be significant health issues to oversee as well. In the end, parents would seek to adapt their style to each kid not so much for equality of treatment (attention, rewards, education, control, etc.) but for minimum fairness in opportunity by overcoming bias or favoritism (which is also difficult and sometimes undetectable by the parents).

There are so many dimensions to raising a kid, that the minimum Olympic hurdle could be: “the kid will be all right, will be able to make enough good choices, and will respect him/herself and treat others with dignity”. To much control you smother the child with no self confidence and afraid, too little control and you may end up with… well something not good in terms of maturity and behavior in society - from super entitled to super exiled.

It’s hard. Just cherish every moment with them, days are long…

"I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job." - Roseanne Barr

It's a joke, yes, obviously, but at the end a long, torturous day when you're really not sure if that was a success or not, it can be the best, and simplest, consolation.

I am willing to endorse https://biglittlefeelings.com/ it's done wonders for our daughter's emotional maturity and resilience.

I mostly gathered rules based from my own pain:

- don't let your pain ruin their life

- don't hide it if to blow it on them later

- play

- don't be too hypocrite (the lesser the better)

the rest is gonna fix itself along (they'll fall, they'll fail, they'll doubt.. such is life)

A stark difference I notice between my French friends kids and my American friends kids :

The former are let to fail and learn by themselves, the latter are expected to be ready before doing so.

My approach so far (4 months) has been largely ignoring the internet, not talking to other parents, playing it by ear, letting my wife take the lead, and enjoying the process.

So far so good!

Be the parent you had or wish you have had.

Just be there. Ideally, pay attention.

-- Boredom

As a father my main job is to make sure my children are bored out of their minds as often as possible. That's where innovation and the ability to figure out how to cope with boredom by themselves comes from. There are actual studies about this [0][1][2]

They do have the tools to make boredom go away, Legos, art supplies, different building blocks and in a pinch, books. No passive consumption devices.

We can go on a 1-2 hour car drive without any devices and nobody is bored, we may listen to a podcast/audiobook together, but it's not a requirement. Now my kid can easily forget their phone at home and not be stressed at all. Does better at it than their parents :D

[0] https://www.sciencealert.com/technology-is-saving-you-from-p... [1] https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2020/07/15... [2] https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20200522-how-boredom-can...

-- Technology

I got my kid an iPad as soon as they could interact with it. There are some baby-level apps that mostly just make sounds and nice colors when you slap the screen.

The goal is to get to a point where they are comfortable with tech, but not addicted to it. You should be able to take the tablet away at any point without a tantrum, with an explanation or alternative task of course.

We use the iOS integrated Screen Time heavily and asking for more screen time is a routine now. The limits are pretty low and they know how to ration screen time when needed. (No Pokémon from Netflix in the morning, because they want to watch it longer after school).

X minutes of reading always gives 2X of screen time (at the moment, ratio may change without notice).

-- Misc

Just be there, that's the biggest bit. Make sure the kids know they can always talk to you about anything without judgement or ridicule. If you build that trust when they're young, it's still there when they're teenagers and _really_ need it.

I've had a "night-time chat" with my kid since they could form words and a decade later it's still a routine they love (and ask for specifically). And it's the place where they feel safe to vent about stuff that's bothering them at school or otherwise or ask highly philosophical questions that I struggle to give answers to :)

Lots of different experiences is good too, the child doesn't know what they like so giving them the chance to try a bunch of different things helps them find their own niche.

No spanking. Ever.

> Did you think about what sort of parent you'd like to be and work backwards? > Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards? > Did you align with a "style" of parenting?

No to all of these since as you wrote there are so many contradictory approaches it's in the end up to you and anything is justifiable.

My (Asian) wife is stereotypical tiger mom when it comes to school and find western standards extremely lazy at least 1-2 years behind China in school, so i have more western laidback approach and find 46/48 points perfectly fine score, no need to have literally perfect score, the west ain't that competetive as China. I try to praise my kids, not only point out errors, since I remember my parents didn't really praise me for anything and I also tell kid grades are not that important, teachers are not really that smart and other real facts, which maybe is not so good for illusions, but I think truth is better.

> How did you use technology to help you?

Not much really, I think security cam can be useful to watch your kids if they are falling asleep or sleeping.

We are also watching TV in evenings with headphones to not disturb kids and enjoy sound without compromise, I've never liked hearing my parents watching TV in other rooms. Another thing I didn't like was glass door on my kids room next to hallway where there was always light going through when my mother was going early to work, so all my doors in apartment have no glass, just solid "wood" (well, it's paper, but I mean there is nothing transparent).

I find foam carpet (those puzzles you can connect) useful for small kids learning to sleep by themselves in case they would fall down at least they won't fall on hard surface plus it's also better for neighbor below us. Not really a fan of dust attracting fabric carpets.

> Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

Yes, I despise lazy parents who are giving young kids phone/tablet in their hand since very early age. My kids rather play by themselves various games or read a lot books. It helped my wife didn't work for many years so at least she could watch them or do stuff with them. TBH I despise even adults checking the mobile while having lunch with others. For first few years we had no screen time at all besides maybe few minutes of videocall per month, later we went to like 30 minutes per day, now when kids are in (pre)school they watch TV 45-60 minutes per day before dinner and son got retro video game (gameboy style), but they still can play only like 10-20 minutes per day. We don't have any tablets and only recently I started to watch with kids few minutes per day some funny short videos from Reddit (like kidsareFstupid, dammnthatsinteresting, whatcouldgowrong) which I save under my profile if I find them suitable for kids educatory or funny, so it's mostly stupid children, animals or technology.

Also since we were living in beginning in wife's country and din't know where we will move we spoke with first kid first few years only English and later after moving to country where we settle I started to speak to kid in local language of that country to prepare it for kindergarten and wife started to introduce Chinese. With 2nd kid she started with Chinese combined with English and me local language combined with English, I don't teach my own mother tongue since it is similar to local language to not confuse kids and only in recent months I started to teach some words which are different in both my local and mother languages (which is also their citizenship klanguage, but they don't speak it).

> What would you do differently if you had your time again?

Can't really think of anything, maybe start introducing nuts in extremely small doses since early age to build tolerance, since both my kids have quite strong nuts allergy, which is interesting considering me and wife have both none food allergy.

Also maybe less negative in front of the kid since older kid is copying my behavior, but gets angrier than me, I was not like that as child, but it's difficult with character, younger kid has completely opposite character, so don't think I can influence character that much.

Oh and I'd get them vaxxed against chickenpox (VZV) or go to chickenpox party at early age (3-4yo), it's not dangerous but the money would be worth avoiding it, especially since son seems to have permanently damaged skin in some spots, no issues with younger daughter, son got it quite late at 7 and it also ruined our vacation plans. So can't recommend this more - either chickenpox party at early age or chickenpox vax, don't wait until your kid is 7, older they get the worse is the disease.

These are just my reponses on my experiences with my children. Please do not think they are solid advice or something.

- Did you think about what sort of parent you'd like to be and work backwards?

Only on some things. When i knew it was going to be girls, i thought some things over and over in my mind in how not to be a bad or weird dad to them. The oldest is hitting puberty and still loves me. I call that a big win.

- Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

I realized a lot of their behaviour comes from how we as parents and other people around them speak, act and do. Being good to myself, my wife and others also kinda taught my children how to behave around people. It also taught me very quickly to be careful in how to express (negative) feelings towards other people or things. We have alo had a lot of bad examples around us and we learned a lot from those people on how NOT to do some things.

We taught them both to properly thank people who help/assist/take care of you. I'll never forget that nurse who told me they were the first children in many years that actually thanked them. For me it was a normal human thing to do and i damn well made sure my children knew it was a normal human thing to do to properly thank people. Years later that nurse still remembers my children and asks how they are doing.

- Did you align with a "style" of parenting?

No. I'm more a go-with-the-flow type. Every day can be different with different challenges. There is no perfect plan, but there is no total chaos as well. I also try to give them as much knowledge as possible, but will tell them i can also be very very wrong and that it's very important to do your own research and not trust everything just because someone said it would be so.

The youngest is interested in religion. I have a very strong negative opinion about religion, but i think it is also very important that i don't just tell only the negative experiences and knowledge but also the fun and joy it may bring to people.

Both of them can get bored quickly because i like to over explain things a lot (I am kinda scared of forgetting or missing things) :)

Once in a while i ask them if i'm still a good dad.

- How did you use technology to help you?

I taught them very quickly how to use remotes and controllers when they were interested (never forced them). My first child was once very curious about my xbox controller. She tried to eat it first and toyed around with it for half an hour. After that the interest was lost. Later on she quickly realised that when the remotes or controllers don't function, the fun on the screen also stops. So it was in their best interest to keep things running smoothly. We never had any problems with electronics whatsoever. This was also in our benefit, since we're not rich and cannot buy a new tv just because we want to.

I also try and teach them the importance of maintenance and cleaning, but it's tough making that a fun thing.

- Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

All in balance. You can get very crazy yourself after 24 hour cry sessions. A little tv won't hurt them while you regain some sanity.

Nowadays the oldest knows i can practically control everything on her smartphone. I told her so the minute we setup the phone together. I also told her we are not going to do that or monitor her 24/7, but if things seem strange to us we will check on things. I also told her how we think about TikTok, but i'm not forcing her to remove it. She must decide it for herself. If i decide for her and she still loves using it, she will find other ways of using it and the only thing i would have destroyed is her trust in me.

- What would you do differently if you had your time again?

Be less vocal about frustrating things. Sense more when they want explanations and when not.

Rubbers.

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