Comment by lechacker | Hacker News Reader

Comment by lechacker | Hacker News Reader

As a 30+ year old kissless virgin I have recently began noticing that the loneliness part has began affecting me more deeply than usual. I suppose noticing the first signs of aging in my face led to the realization of all things not-done. I've had a couple of episodes of despair in the past few months because of this.

Unfortunately people like me become helpless. You'll be alone because you _are_ alone: you don't have any social proof, any social skill, people your age don't "get together" to find a partner at the same rate as younger people, they have higher expectations regarding your experience and more.

The way I see it, once each man crosses a certain age without any or much sexual experience they will become stuck in that category the rest of their lives. Whether we have the tendency to lash out violently against others or ourselves more than the average, I don't know. I wonder if the solution by Western society will come in the way of some "Minority Report-like" way to identify us and pre-emptively lock us out.

This is obviously very dependent on life situation but consider taking a year off and traveling somewhere where you'll have better luck dating and just focusing on yourself.

Thailand and Colombia are the two obvious choices to me. Quit work, and just get a $500 a month apartment and focus on working out every day and enjoying life. You WILL find people interested in dating you if you have reasonable expectations.

Did you cover all the biological bases, get your hormones checked, etc.?

I was a "late bloomer" growing up; turns out I had low T, which is something my doctor-averse parents would have never had treated anyway.

There's gotta be somebody you can pay to help you develop social skills. Kind of like etiquette schools or something, maybe with opportunities to practice. It's like a personal trainer of sorts. I'd charge, what, maybe $60/hr to take somebody with me to the dog park and help them engage in conversation, give them feedback and ideas, etc.

Ugh. Did you consider looking for help from paid professionals?

I am under psychiatric treatment. And the way we treat it isn't by expecting me to magically integrate to society at my age with my lack of experience but by managing the despair.

That's why I wanted to comment here: I found most comments looking for "ways" to get these guys "dates". But some (and I bet it's most) of those who are sexually lonely (or romantically lonely) are past the social point-of-no-return. They are pestilent to others. Constantly exposing them to environments where they will face rejection at best, excoriation at worst is only going to drive them deeper into misantropy. And that may lead to violence.

As others mentioned you could “just jump in the pool.” And it would work eventually. But from these comments I don’t think you will.

Instead going to point out that you are not the only one. I know a female version of this for example. You might seek these folks out, it’s the age of micro communities, however unlikely.

Bluntly and ultimately a person needs to “get over themselves.” Our lives are filled with pain. We and everyone we love will be dead within a few decades. Refusing to live to avoid pain is on you, barring disease or dismemberment. Not to mention unrealistic.

Continuing your treatment sounds like a good idea. When you feel stable, one thing that blew my mind was skydiving. Cheapest quickest therapy ever. In a few seconds everything you thought was important ceases to exist. I literally kissed the ground after landing and said, “I’m alive!”

I'd agree with the point that "it's never too late". However, other ideas seem more suspicious. E.g. it's not that "I don't think you will" - he won't because he can't, not because he doesn't want to.

Possibly; we don't have enough information to know what strictly cannot be done in this situation.

Many times when I can't get myself to do something directly, I trick/outsmart myself into doing it another way. Give myself no choice, for example. There's also perspective. Watch Les Miserables for that perhaps.

But, as you alluded these are appeals to the rational mind, which may not be available right now. Only the doctor/patient has an idea.

That wouldn't accomplish anything about developing the skills to get a relationship. It can get someone over the nervousness of first sex, but that's it.

I'm curious, how'd you know? I would guess pretending to go on a date with paid partner could help connect some dots - after all that's a real human right there. And the nervousness actually is a big deal of the problem.

I may be totally wrong, but please bear with me: what do you feel about going out? Not for dates but for "honing" some social skills and maybe even creating opportunities (okay less of that but still).

I can't "hone" social skills because I have none. And at my age you can't "get" these skills because in order to get them you need to interact with other people, and in order to interact with people my age you need social skills.

Like I commented elsewhere: exposing oneself to more scenarios of rejection can only drive one deeper into misery. Like wanting to cure an autistic child's sensitivity to noise by exposing him to a string of loud, crowdy concerts.

We are having here a little conversation about a very sensitive topic to many, this counts for me as a social skill. But maybe you mean in "real life" - about which I cannot comment.

Do more drugs and develop extremely specific taste in anime.

Plane ticket. Amsterdam. Look for red lights.

Transactional sex doesn't satisfy sexual loneliness. Prostitution won't solve the problem the paper is mentioning.

The replies your comment got are very very illustrative of HN. Not much actual advice but plenty of gut responses masquerading as advice.

At one point in my life most/all of my socialization stemmed from going to garage and estate sales. This was during a time where I would have been homeless without my parents.

Otherwise, I’ve also gone the Forest Gump route in the past. Walking for an hour or longer has an amazing affect on inhibitions that’s much healthier than alcohol or medication.

I do reject that learning social skills is suddenly locked out at some age. But I definitely agree that it gets more difficult. Oddly, supposedly there’s a long low point until the 60s. People in their 60s have an uptick in happiness and life satisfaction that seems more about actually being 60 than about the life lived to that point.

At the time of this comment, your comment is the only reply to his or her comment… However, thanks for sharing your story. Non-gut responses are the better kind.

I'm not sure how to solve sexual loneliness. But I did give you an idea, and you haven't tried it. Maybe it's a bad idea, but it's something.

You have two options in this very limited exchange. You can a, try something new, or b don't and keep doing things the way you have always done them.

Good luck with everything champ.

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