Ask HN: What do you do to start and develop friendships? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What do you do to start and develop friendships?

79 pointsdmos6277 comments

I've been reading Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi, which is about the importance of networking and developing lasting relationships, and Keith does talk about preparation (get to know a person before you meet them), about being genuine, about having something to offer, about the importance of being liked, but I think I'm missing something a bit more fundamental. While I cherish relationships I do build, developing a genuine human bond is somewhat of a mystery to me: it happens sometimes, but infrequently, and doesn't seem to be under my control at all.

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The ones that are worth it happen by themselves.

If one or both people are mainly trying to make friends, the driving force is transient & non-intrinsic - at odds with that which endures.

Whereas with relationships that "just happen", there is a cascade of circumstance and shared interest, and those rise greater than any desire to connect. The connection is intrinsic and unstoppable as opposed to cultivated.

Pursue your own interests and the truth of your circumstance as fully as possible, as often as possible, and - crucially - for its own sake. Not to meet others, but to meet more of yourself.

Your friends will appear.

I think this idea works in some cases. For instance, many childhood friends, or friends that people had when they were growing up, were the result of simply being around the people for so long through classes and through other hobbies or just hanging out. It's very easy to make friends as a child and in adolescence has a result.

But for adults, I would say that this is not the best method. It can work, to be sure. But as adults, when various demands pull at your time (be it your job, your family, etc.) you can easily get in a state where...

> Pursue your own interests and the truth of your circumstance as fully as possible, as often as possible, and - crucially - for its own sake. Not to meet others, but to meet more of yourself.

...just leaves you still without friends because everyone else is also focusing on themselves and their own interests. This is especially rough in 2023 when people spend so much time online, alone, and so much of their hobbies revolve around being online, alone.

I have a lot of friends, and I think I'm pretty good at making and keeping friends. Friendship in adulthood looks different than childhood friendship. One of the ways it does is that it requires a certain amount of concerted effort by both parties to maintain the friendship, at once because you share interests, but also because the reciprocal effort is part of the friendship, it's constitutive of the very loyalty that typifies great friendships. It's about how despite all those competing demands on someone's time, you still decide to spend time together as friends.

It will feel unnatural and like "work" only because the preexisting social context of school or a job does a lot of work in the background. But once you realize that making and maintaining friendships takes a certain kind of effort, you can find it very rewarding. You also have the benefit of making lots of people different from yourself your friend, which people could probably use more of nowadays. I'm far more left leaning than some of my friends, but one thing that I think saves me from going completely off the deep end like some people I know is the exposure to alternative POVs that I get from my more right leaning friends.

This is a good point - effort can lead to essential social counterbalance. Someone I enjoy time with for the different POV however, may be more likely to also not be what I'd think of as a friend. (An uber driver for example.)

Perhaps its similar to this place - I wouldn't necessarily consider folks here "friends", but I yet may just as deeply value some of these interactions specifically for the different ideas and opinions they expose me to.

Thanks for this one :)

I’ve been that guy at classes, outings that never makes any long lasting friends. Maybe I haven’t done enough but I find it just too awk to talk about nothing.

Oh I hear you - I can't stand talking about nothing/"small-talk". Anytime a conversation feels too forced for too long, I find a way out. Sounds like you value genuine interaction, which can be harder to find. But most worthwhile.

I disagree. Shared interest/circumstance may be a prerequisite to friendship, but friendship takes active effort. This is a simple consequence of the fact that the logistics of making time in one's schedule to see others, coordinating activities, emotional labor to support friends, etc., all are also prerequisite to friendship, and themselves take effort.

This is especially true because (I forget where I read this), statistically, most of your friends will be less socially assertive than you.

I know personally, if I stopped putting in effort to friendships -- positive friendships which bring net value into my life! -- all but maybe one or two would wither away, simply for want of ever seeing or interacting with each other.

These points seem to be about maintaining existing relationships. The OP was asking about beginning them. These are different phases with different levels of excitement, coincidence and time-allocation built-in.

I think my point still applies to making friends. Someone has to put in the emotional and logistical effort to schedule a first "hey, let's get together outside of work/school" evening. That can be a big hurdle to clear. And then a second meetup. And a third... until you are actually "friends" and not "two randos with shared interest who tried to meet up once and it was awkward".

Finding potential friends, I agree with your advice. Following your own interests makes you an interesting and attractive person, and finding people who share your interests sets you up for healthy friendships.

Sure it can happen like that, but it's not the only way.

No effort is required to begin a friendship that happens automatically. Both naturally organise a next meet, and/or already have reason to and/or happily can't avoid it. Relationships often begin at work/edu for this reason.

The times I've been assertive and essentially built a connection out of what was nothing, it's been interesting, even exhilarating - but less reliably enduring. It's tended to be better to begin with a bigger "spark".

And if that spark isn't enough to create a shared excitement that automatically leads to a next step, without requiring effort, it may mean it's not worth such effort.

(Not always, though.)

it only happens organically if there is a reason to go to some place that is independent of that person. so going to the same club/gym/supermarket/activity/whatever where you frequently bump into each other, potentially aligning your schedule, but not creating a problem if one of you doesn't show up.

I know I'm not answering the question, but I felt like spilling out my opinions and experience on the topic.

I don't really have many friends. For someone to be my "friend" they'd have to be a person I'd spend time with when I'm bored, and who I could reasonably count on to have my back when I need it.

At the moment, I don't really have any people I can consider "friends" by that definition - I either don't like spending time with people (nothing to do, no place to be, too stressful, etc. etc.) or I'm simply "just another friend" to people. There is a certain type of individuals that like to be friendly with everyone. They radiate an "aura" of deep connection with you and make you feel special... When in fact they're that way with everyone, and you're just another victim of their well-trained manipulation techniques.

I don't really know how to get those "real" friendships. I remember I had some as a kid. I don't even know how I got those - was it just geographical proximity? Being forced to be in the same room for 8 hours a day?

I wish I knew. But solitude is pleasant, too, even though it's not as profitable.

Sounds like you treat friendships as monogamous love relationships - would be nice to rethink that approach and maybe convince yourself that something less committed friendships are fulfilling too.

This is something my pre-teen son had as a requirement for friendship. The best advice I could give him was those sorts of relationships take time to foster; they generally don’t happen instantaneously. Have plain old friends and see if they grow into best friends.

Or I think to be more helpful to the GP: collect acquaintances and some might turn into friendships.

It's important to point out that the starting point is a very shallow relationship that actually has no depth to it. Over time, these shallow relationships may gain depth. Much like a river carving through stone. If you have no patience you are not likely to get to the point if getting deep relationships, and if you do, you'll probably be overwhelming the other person with eagerness and/or desperation and/or being out of touch with social norms. Likewise, the best way to find love is to date lots and get dumped lots that it's no longer a major event and you just move on.

The difference is that to find love relationship people generally openly look for one, and no one does that for friendships. Hence the need to treat casual friendships seriously if you're looking for serious ones.

Out of curiosity, do you have a partner/girlfriend/wife?

Because much like you, I haven't really kept good friends along in life. I've had periods in my life when I had a "good" friend, that I could talk a lot of stuff with, share my problems, and generally do activities in common, but I moved around, I haven't really kept in touch.

Problem is, without a social circle, it's much more difficult to find a partner, and I'm at an age now where that's the main thing I think I'm missing.

But I understand the issue very well from a theoretical standpoint. At its core, it's about a disordered attachment style, a sort of fear of attachment, or a failure of the brain to regulate the affect resulting from interactions. A result of early developmental trauma. I'm also familiar with some techniques that are supposed to fix the problem (I was building a neurofeedback system based on ADS1299 at one point), but life got in the way. Which is ironic, since I think this is the most important aspect of any life, social functioning.

> Out of curiosity, do you have a partner/girlfriend/wife?

No, not at the moment.

I've been through several long-term relationships, and I think I'm too emotionally fucked up to actually be in one for real. There's a whole array of issues, and I don't even know how to sum them up. In a nutshell, I don't really like being myself.

Find a good therapist / counselor, which may take more than one attempt. The first counselor I had, for maybe 3 sessions, was terrible. The 4th session was with his boss, she asked me how it was going, I said I didn't really click with the guy, and she took over my case. She was great.

It's well worth it to learn how to accept and like yourself. After all, the one person you can count on having the rest of your life, is you! Good luck!

What do you recommend as a good alternative for people who can't afford therapy?

There are places that have fees based on income, or their used to be when I was in counseling. The place I went had that, I think mostly for drug and alcohol abuse, but maybe just for everyday counseling too. I wasn't using it so don't know much about it, but it is/was a thing.

"they'd have to be a person I'd spend time with when I'm bored" - I don't think this is fair to expect from anybody. It has a similar vibe as expecting from a relationship to pull you out of sadness. You have to be able to enjoy yourself and your time, if you can share that with anybody and elevate it, that's just an extra.

> I don't really have many friends. For someone to be my "friend" they'd have to be a person I'd spend time with when I'm bored, and who I could reasonably count on to have my back when I need it.

A friend friend of mine with very similar thoughts as me (and, it sounds like, you) recently put it very well. The "workplace proximity associate" kind of friends, while kind of destined to remain shallow and not as deep a connection as any of us might want, are not unimportant. They ground us in a way and help us keep a connection to the world, but maybe not so much individuals.

Interesting description! I can identify with your perspective with the main difference that I consider anyone who isn't an enemy a friend. I just don't have many close friends. I think part of it is that the things that I find interesting most people in my circles find incredibly boring or don't understand. Actually, I find people fascinating and take interest in helping them out where I can. But I tend to be fine doing something by myself. I learned to accept myself and once that happened I spend most of my time pretty much enjoying life and all the stupid things that happen!

I think you have to genuinely take an interest in the other person and look for areas of commonality. That gives you ground to interact with the other person.

Networking is complete bullshit because people who are highly social recognize potential areas for self-interest in relationship-building and any behavior that follows that path gets flagged subconsciously as disingenuous. Make friends and treat other people as you would like to be treated.

There is also a need to communicate, in order to give the other person a sense of your investment in the relationship (as represented by your time, effort, and candor) and material with which to formulate substantive responses and reciprocate with their own time, effort, and candor.

You have no control over how other people connect with you, and frankly, their opinion and feelings toward you are none of your business. Don't overtrain your behavior upon your perception of the progress of bonding. Just do what is right, fun, kind, and ethical. The rest falls into place.

Networking is about mutual professional interest, not about friendship. It is wise to keep both separate.

I don't think "networking" relationships have ever provided any benefit to my professional interests. In my view they're pointless, like an orange without juice in it.

I haven't read the Ferrazzi book but my understanding is that he shuns networking to instead reframe the concept as "connecting," and this is more in line with my own viewpoint.

I'd appreciate a better explanation of his viewpoint from someone who has read the book.

I'm still reading it, but I think you've summed up his position on this question well. He goes out of his way to describe the networking he's promoting as a pro-social, as opposed to a manipulative, activity. His least social descriptions of relationships that I heard (which are still very social) are an asset that grows as you exercise it, something where you don't keep score, and something that is absolutely not a zero-sum game.

> "... being genuine, about having something to offer, about the importance of being liked, but I think I'm missing something a bit more fundamental"

My experience has been "having something to offer" is far and away the biggest factor, or rather what they think you have to offer. Everyone has plenty to offer, but not everyone immediately sees it, let alone appreciates it. The majority of people you meet won't be a "genuine bond" right away.

What works the best for me is simple. You focus on them without betraying yourself. It's sort of a dance. You treat discussions like a ball that cannot be dropped and listen well. You aren't afraid to take the lead and always have something new when things get boring. You avoid going deep into a topic until you've tried at least a few others or get a strong reaction. You keep how often you talk about yourself in check and keep it relevant. It's really a broader mindset in life of constantly searching for common ground. You are not trying to please them, but just asserting what you both want in a natural way. You're keeping them involved and not being awkward sharing control of the interaction.

> "it happens sometimes, but infrequently, and doesn't seem to be under my control at all."

So it's that last part that was my problem. I used to be pretty awkward sharing control in social interactions. I would ramble without ever looking up at their face or willfully ignore body language stubbornly thinking it was what I was saying rather than everything else. I would zone out because I didn't know how to say I didn't know what they were talking about. I was too inside my own head. My thoughts about them would pile up and go unresolved. I was more comfortable making assumptions and trying to guess rather than just asking them. In short, I was afraid.

No clue if this helps you or anyone. I tried. That's all we can do.

That resonates. Thanks for sharing.

Since I've been married, I make no particular effort to maintain or establish friendships. The small social circle of my wife, her family, and my family is more than enough for me. And I have never been more satisfied with my social life, such as it is.

That's not to say there are no people I am on friendly terms with (coworkers, exes, ex-coworkers, people I knew 20+ years ago in college, etc).

From a utilitarian standpoint, it's important to have a few people you can reach out to to find work. And from a social standpoint, the times of my life where I had no social connections were difficult. But people have different needs, and my social needs are very modest. Do not feel bad because you don't have friends just because you think you're expected to.

As far as the title of the book, I believe eating alone is one of the great joys in life, especially when it's a respite from the forced social atmosphere of an open-plan office.

I know about the division of chores, having live with other people, but to put the very existence of a social life on someone else is just ridiculous. I am sure your wife knows you very well (certainly more than I, a random Internet stranger), but are there no people you are on friend terms with, simply due to shared special interest? Like a particular video game, or some craft? I firmly believe that in today's digital age, meeting people online who eventually become friends, and who share a particular interest is just part of the rich and varied tapestry we call life.

I do not rely on her for a social life. What I'm saying is that I have no need or desire for a social life beyond the incidental social interactions that come with being married, having a kid, having in-laws and parents that want to be grandparents to that kid, and also the interactions that come with having a job.

No, I do not have anyone I'm on friendly terms with due to a shared interest. I do sometimes go to meetups to talk about things, but I do not care about those people, and I do not expect them to care about me.

I do have some legacy friendships as I said before. These typically run multiple years between interactions, and that's how I like it. I recently met up with a college-era friend because I was in town. My kid enjoyed playing with her kids. Before that, we hadn't had significant contact in a few years.

I get you! Sounds like me. The busyness of family life makes me not need to regularly see friends: to the point I might see an old friend once a year. (Nomadic world we live in doesn’t help too)

I might make more friends when kids grow up and time frees up though.

Finding a reason to regularly meet up. It takes away the mental load of having to arrange a time to meet up. Do X with someone weekly/monthly and you’ll become friends if you get on.

I agree with this. I moved to a new city and struggled to make friends. I’m a natural introvert and kinda shy so reaching out for friendships doesn’t come naturally to me.

But I joined a language school class and made friends there. I joined a basketball team and made friends there too.

It seems weird but I’m starting to think that it’s as simple as if you interact someone once a week for a decent period of time and their personality is kinda compatible with yours then you become friends.

So if I was looking to make friends now, I’d look for a group activity with a weekly commitment that involves people who are likely to share some common interests.

> developing a genuine human bond is somewhat of a mystery

I think shared experiences are key to creating a common bond. If you talk with old school friends, most people will end up talking about past events, this is a re-enforcing mechanism.

I think also that there is an intensity to the shared experience that matters as well. Sitting across the desk from someone for 10 years might build a bond, but it might also not last long outside of that workplace. Whereas people doing something physical and emotional together creates a stronger bond.

Personally, as someone with older kids, I'm now trying new physical activities and meeting new people. I can see I am making new friends, I've created conversations and interactions which go beyond just the original weekly activity.

The conclusion I got from everything I've read on relationships is this: friendships are built when like-minded people spend meaningful time together.

The time spent together is significant and often underrated in my observations. No: I don't believe you can maintain, even less build, a friendship with only a few hours of occasional monthly talks over coffee. This is no surprise why BJJ courses are renowned for being so efficient at creating and solidifying friendships; you have similar people meeting regularly and struggling toward improving a specific skill.

The amount of time spent and the quality of that time will vastly influence the likelihood of friendships forming.

Analyze how you and your closest friends get/got along initially. Meet lots of people, be vulnerable, and let your guard down. From there, it's just a numbers game.

For me, I normally share something mildly personal and see how they respond. Most of my closest friends and I clicked as soon as we met each-other, and talked about our hopes, dreams, fears, ambitions, traumas, worries, or some other personal topic right off the bat. If people are weirded out or uncomfortable by me being vulnerable, that means they're probably not in the same position, or we probably aren't very compatible.

Go out there, don't judge, and be yourself.

I'd argue it's a game of chance. You already mentioned a lot of things necessary to "build" a friendship, but I dislike the word "building". While there certainly are mistakes you can do, friendships are usually not "build" - maybe some work needs to be put in to be "maintained" in the long run.

Genuine friendship comes with shared interests (which is why it's easier to find friends in common activities that you are genuinely interested in), but also the simple chance of meeting interesting people. The best predictor of friendships in student dorms seems to be the relative distance of their rooms - see Kurzgesagt's "Why You Are Lonely and How to Make Friends" at https://youtu.be/I9hJ_Rux9y0 for some more interesting facts.

It's completely normal to have different level of friends - some to party with, some to nerd around certain topics with, some to have deep meaningful talks but you only can stand a meeting once a quarter... And you are only able to actively maintain a certain number of friendships.

I found that I don't have nearly as many "friends" as many of my peers have (being a 40-something doesn't help much either), but the friends I got are rock solid. They are kinda lopsided because I'm offering too much help most of the time without accepting much help from them - that's what I need to work on.

Wish I knew! I've spent the last 1.5 years intentionally putting myself out there, going to events, starting events, seeing shows, sitting in cafes, joining a maker space. All together, they introduced me to a small number of very infrequent acquaintances, which are not showing any signs of turning into friendships.

Maybe you should do the things I haven't tried doing: get a dog, have children, and join BJJ, Crossfit, and a church.

Here is what I do, and advice:

Just visit places of your genuine interests. And suit it to your age or don't bother at all.

- Join interesting online forums with offline presence. Be a regular in those places. It can be a book club, a chess club, a science club, coding club or anything. Be true to your interests and start visiting. Or join a fully offline one in your locality. Actively interact with new people.

- Join a class. A gym class, karate, dance, art, pottery, recreational math- doesn't matter. Join a class and be a regular. Actively interact with new people.

- Join a one-time activity group. Like building a school, Christmas drama group. You get to spend time with new people over weeks regularly.

- If you are religious or can tolerate religion, join a church, or your-religion-equivalent of it. I have seen lifelong friendships develop out of them.

- If you are politically active, or want to do so, work actively for a political party for an election. Actively interact with new people.

- Join an NGO or a charity or actively volunteer your time for a cause that you believe in. Actively interact with new people.

- Catch up with college/school friends with whom you were never that close. People change, and you might find the new-old-acquinstance quite interesting.

You see, friendships need to evolve naturally. You cannot choose or take scrupulously calculated steps.

Just spend time in an interested area, you already have one interest overlap. When you find 2/3, that person starts to look interesting.

Please let nature take its own course. You just increase your probability by mixing out with a lot more newer people.

This is my advice to "how to find a romantic partner" as well.

My wife and I joined a local group of conservation volunteers when we were new to the area. Great fun, new skills, new friends. We had kids and stopped going. I've just recently started going back and nearly all the same people are still at it. I joined them at the pub quiz last night and we won. The theme was "Bees".

You are probably overthinking this.

All it takes is to start talking.

Also not all friendships have to be the same.

Some are in person, some are online, some are not as frequent, some are inactive, and some might be gone.

Overthinking is a shure way to loose friends, Sheldon. /s

Most of the friends I’ve made in later life has been through work. Started by having lunch together and then meeting up after work every now and then.

I still keep in touch with and meet up with people I’ve not worked with in years.

And this is why the remote craze has been bad for me, especially being early in my career.

I think that looking how to build friendship is seeing the end of a book before read the content.

Friendship is the result to be good people, to take care of others, to be trustworthy, to be a good listener, etc. Friendship will come after that.

Maybe 1 out 100 people you meet will be a friend, and 1 out 10 will last. Anyway, they will be with you because how you are, not just with them, but with others, even when you thinks you don't have anything to offer.

Networking is just other thing, totally different.

go to undergrad with someone for years of shared suffering that binds us together while in an environment with close quarters living and high shared context.

.. oh, you mean now. Uh. hmm…

I like Nassim Taleb's adage that if you can say why you are friends with someone you probably aren't their friend. You need a funnel of potential candidate friends and the best ones emerge from that. If you go one by one and decide whether they meet this or that criteria, you will end up with none. Practice openness, it's an acquired skill, especially when you learn to balance it with setting boundaries for yourself as well.

I don’t know that book, but I enjoy eating alone. Sometimes when I used to work at an office, I would leave early for lunch because I wanted to eat alone. Other days I would wait for people to eat with a group. Your description of the book appears to be those are advice for professional networking, not friendships. I think you are right tb at friendships are not under your control (although you, obviously, have influence).

But answering your question… I was at a point of my life with 40+ years old that I thought I would never (or wanted to) make new friends. Totally ok with that. But then I decided to write a novel and enrolled in a fiction writing course.

The course had a few characteristics. It was long. Every Thursday from March to November we would meet online. The teacher had an approach of quickly summarizing a topic and leave the rest of the class for discussion. So, it was not just a bunch of people listening a lecture with the camera and mic off. We were talking with each other all the time. Also, it was a topic that everyone was very invested in and generated initiatives to continue to talk about it outside of regular Thursday classes, like a Telegram group first and then an extra-official meeting almost every Tuesday.

When you spend almost a year, talking to the same 20 people once or twice a week, about a topic you care, you create some opportunity for new friendships. So I do now, two years later, consider that I have made a few new friends.

The unlucky part is that those people are from all over the country, just one or two in my city. And, of course, for now, they are not like old friendships that I have. But, who knows, in twenty years or so they might still be around and be really close friends.

So that’s how I started new friendships

You got convinced that it's important. What if it's only natural that it happens infrequently and you aren't missing out on anything.

What if we could make it happen 100-1000x more frequently thru the power of BIG DATA?

http://zeroprecedent.com/A%E2%9D%AF%E2%9D%AEON%20deck%20v.3....

ser why http

1. Spend time with them. A lot. Do things together.

2. Have shared interests. This one it's not going to be under your control, because you won't be able to force yourself to like something that you don't, consistently.

3. Throw "guides" and books about making friends and connections in the trash.

I think it can be tough for technical minded people like us. It’s tough for me. My most lasting friendships have been the ones I made in grade school. I hear that is strangely common in Minnesota because so few leave, and when they do, they often return.

There was a similar thread to this a couple years back, and I had a number of people contact me. I honestly tried and I just didn’t connect with any of them.

I think it comes down to the specificity of our interests and having trouble even finding a shared vocabulary.

I think that is part of why so many of us rally around fandoms so fervently, it’s a strong shared interest and culture. For better or worse I have just never cared about a fiction enough to have much to say.

> ..and doesn't seem to be under my control at all.

Correct. You don't control someone else, and it takes two to become friends.

I don't think there is a secret trick. You can try to increase the chance to meet someone. Take up a new sport, charity work, etc.

Not to forget, you can try to be good friend to someone else.

I feel like this doesn't answer the underlying question, but that's good insight.

When topics like this do appear then I do wonder

Is it really genuine if youre preparing a strategy?

On the other hand, what's the point of sitting on the toilet if you're not allowed to think while you're there?

Or less flippantly....

It's like making a budget before you spend. The money is still real, you simply evaluated where to use it and set ground rules for yourself.

I think everything is down to intention

If youre building network to get advantage, then it doesnt feel genuine

If you build network cuz you just like those ppl and the advantage is accidental side effect then it feels genuine

My recommendation for you is to check out this blog: https://www.raptitude.com some of the posts deal with that subject.

Oh look there is even a post title that seems to be what you are looking for: https://www.raptitude.com/2021/01/how-to-make-friends-as-an-...

What is HN's experience with summer camps or those kinds of things? A lot of friends I have who went to them as kids said you forge connections very quickly in those environments. I've been to (non-silent) meditation retreats where this kind of thing has happened, too. And I guess for programmers the Recurse Center is probably the most similar: https://www.recurse.com/

It comes down to spending time with a person. I think it also depends on where you are in life sometimes. When you are younger, it is easier to get out and do things.

Once you have kids, it often happens that you only have time to see the parents of their friends. Sometimes you don't have a choice, but sometimes you find like minded parents that turn into friends.

Almost exclusively through school, work, shared hobbies and volunteering. As I age through my kids friends too.

Friendships often endure or are made because both sides have made sacrifices for each other. Usually these start small like making time to talk semi regularly. Friendships are like growing plants: they are fragile at start and require just the right amount of care (from both parties) to flourish.

My girlfriend and I have been struggling this since we moved to the suburbs. We have found classes to be helpful. It’s a somewhat forced social dynamic, but your classmates are likely to be geographically near and in search of a social outlet themselves.

Split who you know into two groups. Those who you know would enjoy hanging out with you, and those who you know wouldn’t.

For those that you know would enjoy it, get a rhythm of regular correspondence, and that should turn into quality friendships.

This rhythm IMO is the missing part

Dungeons & Dragons. Seriously.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33774353 - discussion from a few months ago. I found the article there pretty useful

Train jiu jitsu. I’m currently in Paris for the week with 12 of my teammates who are also now some of my best friends, all of who I met after I was 30.

I'm glad someone mentioned JJ. It's easily one of the best ways to make friends as an older person. It's also a great way to be exposed to people outside of your usual social bubble. I'm not sure I know of another activity that cross cuts society so effectively.

Pokémon Go was a key for me six years ago when I just moved. Haven’t needed much else since.

Talk about shared hobbies, usually videogames or programming

All of the best and longest lasting relationships in my life have been from a shared experience or challenge...school, a band, sports, sometimes work (those seem to maintain a work barrier though).

These things tend to occur less naturally later in life for most people, so you have to go out and find them. I'm just approaching the age where my kids will be entering a school system and sports of their own soon, so I expect some relationships will form with other parents through that shared experience. I'm fortunate to have maintained great relationships from high school and college though...not everyone is as open to adding new people to their circle at this stage of life.

tldr: find other people to share passions / challenges with. Don't worry about moving on if it doesn't click.

can relate, i feel meeting people and building that initial foundation is easy but it rarely develops from that and just stays as a contact in my phone.

I see people asking about friendships on here (and elsewhere) all the time and I commiserate. But over the last few years I have been greatly expanding my friend circle very naturally. And for baseline, I'm 39, married, no kids (yet), and a full time SRE.

For me its been all about hobbies.

A few years ago i started asking myself "What would young Colin want?" IE, what was I interested in as a child, that as an adult I could learn from.

I realized there were big aspects of who I was, or how I grew up which were simply missing from my current life. So I started to add them back in in the simplest ways I knew how.

For me that meant that over the past 5 years I've added, short backpacking and canoe trips (rental canoes), learning to snowboard, playing golf, Ice Climbing, Photography, going deeper on my electronic music production.

The biggest wins have been snowboarding, camping, and by far golf.

With snowboarding, I was able to get some existing friends and then coworkers to start going on quick 3 hour drive day trips. A few existing friend got back into the sport, a coworker started and bought gear, I met 3 more coworkers outside of my team by organizing work trips. I just went with two guys this weekend who were old workers from a few years ago, its our 4th season doing these trips and Ive probabbly expanded my circle from 1 friend to about 10 who have participated.

With camping, it was similar. I had one friend who started with me, then he invited some of his friends and they invited theirs. The group keeps finding more people and coming up with new ideas. Weve probably got a circle of 8 people who have gone and weve done about 3 years or regular trips. there are more people who WANT to go though, its just a matter of time.

BUT GOLF IS THE REAL WINNER. Everyone seems to know these days of the "third place" problem, or the "Bowling alone" problem. Golf really has avoided these issues and really after 2020 lockdown expanded a ton. With golf, first of all... you can go alone, and you will meet usually 3 strangers every time. And in the last 3 years of doing that, I have met amazing people 99% of the time. really it would be very difficult for me to name a time i met someone i didnt like on some level... and some of the people ive met have been amazing. BUT, the old adage that "business happens on the golf course" is still true today, even in tech. We have a golf chat at work, and I regularly play with our CTO and other bigwigs at the company that I would never have met otherwise. In fact the very first person I met at the company (its a remote job) was the CTO... because we just both wanted to play golf. I am personally NOT a networking guy, when i play golf.. i dont talk about work. some do and that fine, but I let others decide. Besides work, I have about 10 people that I have kinda integrated into little outings. some are just terrible golfers and we go to terrible cheap courses and enjoy the sunshine, losing balls and then finding them in the woods. I have a best friend at work because of golf, and my work connections spread far over the company into areas i absolutely would never have ventured otherwise. Ive played with people from finance, law, tech, commercial real estate, medicine, advertising, film production, people from other parts of the world... so many that I have played with over the last few yearsthat it is simply uhh, mind boggling. I could go on and on about golf, but im gonna shut up about it.

Start doing things you love, pursue things you think are out of reach, bring a couple people you might know along, ask them to bring their friends, ask to play again when you meet someone cool. Its often awkward!!! and often fails... but you have the ability to open up your own world, and the world of those near to you.

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