Ask HN: How to deal with dysfunctional family? Neg. impact to my mental health | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How to deal with dysfunctional family? Neg. impact to my mental health

6 pointsdys_family_guy3 comments

Figured I'd ask any fellow hackers. I'm considering getting therapy or something because it just feels wrong to me to go no-contact with my blood relatives. However, the amount of gas lighting and toxic in fighting is really driving me crazy.

I feel like I'm living in a bipolar reality where people argue, gaslight, and say awful things one moment, and the next moment people seem to be okay with each other. And repeat. For 35 years.

Thankfully I do live far away from most of these people, but what has really made my mood go down is I have elderly relatives and they and others still argue with each other. They also take jabs at me and got angry at me for being "too smart" and that they're too stupid to juggle a dozen tasks at a time like me, because I made a suggestion/plan for how they can do something they've been fighting over instead of executing it.

It is really frustrating and so I've kept my distance, but like these are my own parents and relatives. I feel alone without them, even if I have my own family.. I want something functional where I can feel comfortable taking my kids to visit their relatives without them having to experience arguing, loud yelling, and gaslighting over past mistakes some relatives made.

Any advice on what I should do? Its a new year, and I don't want to keep feeling sad or guilty for thinking maybe I shouldn't help and just stay out of it..

This isn’t the advice you’re looking for, but after decades of being lectured about how I didn’t understand where half of my family was “coming from” in their continuously toxic, belittling criticisms of me, my spouse, our family, where we live, what we do, why we don’t live in “Real America”, etc. I gave up. No matter what I did to accommodate these people it was never enough, it would never be enough.

It was abuse without being physically abusive.

So I cut them out and off entirely. It absolutely sucks. I know many have health and financial problems that I could probably help them through. But not at the cost of my own mental health and well being. It took time to accept it and feel better.

> Figured I'd ask any fellow hackers. I'm considering getting therapy or something because it just feels wrong to me to go no-contact with my blood relatives. However, the amount of gas lighting and toxic in fighting is really driving me crazy.

You didn't pick your blood relatives, but you can pick if you want to associate with them. Would you intentionally take your children to any other place where they would experience that sort of arguing? If not, why do it in this case?

If you really can't deal with avoiding a toxic situation, maybe you can take a partial step and only meet with one relative at a time (or only meet with groups that consistently get along). But, don't expect positive reactions to solutions offered when people only wanted to complain and weren't trying to solve the problem. Everyone is entitled to their wrong opinion and adults can make their own mistakes.

> getting therapy

Good - as long as you mean that "they", the misbehaving part, goes to therapy. (Not, say, you - unless, again, you mean professional consultancy mirroring this current question... As long, again, that it is clear to you that it is the badly behaving part that must be retrained.)

Otherwise, you would have to develop communicational skills that you state implicitly not having developed until now, to place behavioural boundaries in others. So, the misbehaving part should be straightened by a capable third part.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com