I’m sure everyone would agree it’s a bit of both? We’re responsible for not intentionally hurting others, and we’re responsible for not being excessively controlling or sensitive about others’ behaviours?
Precisely. And weaponizing the ambiguity - whether by hurting others with words and saying "but it's up to their reaction", or being excessively controlling and justifying it by saying words can hurt more than physical attacks - that's abusive behavior. Intent matters.
The equity training I've experienced says it's not the intent that matters, but rather the impact, which sounds a lot like, "you made me angry". It turns the whole you're responsible for how you react to things on it's head, making other people responsible for your reactions.
As you point, that’s also a toxic extreme. Assigning blames is IMO different from judging one’s mental state.