Comment by tayo42 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by tayo42 | Hacker News Reader

I read "Crucial Conversations" this year. It feel like it has the potential to be life changing. Need more time to tell what impact it really has.

It introduced me to a new topic, which is analyzing social situations and apply problem solving skills to them. Something that never occurred to me for some reason. I now realize there are smart people working and having interesting thoughts and conclusions in this topic. So much more to explore. (Open to recomindations too!)

The book also seems to give more useful information about how to handle difficult social situations. I was pretty down on work and becoming cynical (still am though hah!) The advice I often get is stuff like be agreeable, don't rock the boat, dont say anything with passion ("corp speak"), to get ahead and get what you want. This feels bad to me. Often it appears in corporations the only people that are getting ahead are those types of yes people. I feel like this book gave me the tools to have differing opinions and express them successfully.

I also liked the book shows that a lot of these difficult conversations are actually in your control. Most people seem to have terrible communication skills I'm learning. Often I would write off a bad conversation as the other person just being an asshole or difficult or something. after reading this it seems like it is possible to handle a lot of these a lot better.

Disjointed thoughts off the top of my head, but I found the book pretty enlightening. Id recommend it if you struggle with expressing your opinions in emotional conversations.

Another drop in this bucket.

I read it once and took some notes. Haven't looked back on either the source nor my notes (until now!), but the book came to me at a time when I was dealing with a lot of inner-organizational bureaucracy on a small-scale, but was utterly frustrating.

The book gave me new frameworks, and was reco'd to me from someone within the org who I was confiding in on the top-level. But ultimately, the frameworks weren't enough to change necessary structures – because those in power and with influence didn't want to change their attitudes, goals, and approaches.

As "negative" as that sounds, the book helped in part for me to understand the four major buckets for how decisions get made:

• command, from on high to everyone below you who must carry out the orders

• consult, to invite input but still one leadership board/ leader makes the final call

• vote, where majority decides what'll happen after being presented with options

• consensus, where a decision is made only after everyone agrees

These frameworks helped me to understand that whatever was causing obstructions/ friction, was because people in power were presenting things as if they were based on consultations leading to majority votes, but ultimately, there was a lot of game-playing from the top leaders who wanted to use those tactics as cover to ultimately have their own way.

Helped me to accept that things were the way they were, and there was no need to exert unnecessary energy. And from then on, to discern first and foremost what the decision-making dynamics are in any group endeavor, be it small-teams or entire orgs, and to go from there.

Very cool stuff, for me at least.

A bit tangential question.

> I read it once and took some notes.

Curious to know how you go about taking notes for the books you read.

So I'm a bit extreme.

I'll either write quotes from a book by hand or type it out on some word processor. But there are times I've typed out or written out entire chapters from a book. And one book I almost transcribed pretty much from end to end.

I think it's pretty inefficient. And I definitely don't recall perfectly. But it does help a lot of the info lodge in deeper than just active reading. Might just be a belief I hold, and I don't really recommend others to do it because it's definitely a lil kooky and time consuming.

Crucial Conversations was mandatory material for managers at Facebook, and I feel it's so impactful for any communication channel that I recommend to all my professional friends IRL. Also in that vein, I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication.

Interesting. What other books are mandatory reading for managers at Facebook?

Not a reading but Managing Bias: https://managingbias.fb.com/

Buying this off the strength of your recommendation. That sounds exactly like what the doctor ordered. I'm getting worse at expressing myself the older I'm getting, and I'm finding it impairing my personal life, work life, social situations, etc. Will give this one a read--thank you!

Likewise – it's been on my to-read list for ages, will schedule it as my Christmas reading thanks to OP's comment.

I ordered both - "Crucial Conversations" and "Nonviolent Communication" - as audio books. Both turned out to be super dry. Same analogies and scenarios over and over again, eventually got tired of listening them; will try again now.

I find using the website Short Form to help with get to the meet of these self-help books. Can't recommend that enough.

> Often it appears in corporations the only people that are getting ahead are those types of yes people.

That is why I love consulting. The managers that hire me often express themselves to be as critical as possible on the current way of working or possible problems. This does not allow me to be blunt, because I still need to convince people of another way. But at least I do not have to pretend and worry about my position.

I put your book on my reading list.

When I find myself nervous about a meeting, I go back to this book and outline the steps it suggests, not just the gist of it, but I walk through the steps. It's like having a colleague who wants to help you be a better person.

Who is the author? There are two books with the same title.

https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-... Based on the description. I read this too and it was enlightening. So +1.

Yeah this is the book I was talking about

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