I just.. on so many levels, I see your response here as a lower form of human communication. Honestly, and I get how pretentious that sounds, but you sound like a wounded, broken animal.
As if you're hardly even human; the embodiment of your own insecurities, lashing out in confusion about how the world around you works. You spout whatever combination of words would hurt you most to others, a whirling dervish of emotional weakness and impotency.
There's no light in your eyes is there? Just a dead, cowlike stare, a ring of sclera revealing your panicked ego constantly assessing how you fit in with the other apes, dreading even the tiniest perception of loss.
And honestly? It probably doesn't get better. This is probably it for you, there's not likely to be a grand improvement in your life or how you perceive reality. That panic will never go away, that confusion and anger is just who you are now.
You apparently rage against medicine, you rage against people who actually understand reality, but mostly you rage against yourself; this is it. This is you. You are a pile of fear and frustration from incompetence, just like you were as a child, and you'll never be anything more.