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Comment by LiquidInsect | Hacker News Reader

I'll be seven months in as of two days from now.

I find myself making way too much food, and having to freeze things back. Things I used to make in bulk that would last us 3 meals now take me over a week to finish, if I don't just throw it out.

If I don't want to cook, the thought of going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic and I don't want to do it. If I order delivery, I still end up getting too much.

If I make some new thing, something she never got to try, I feel like crap because it's another experience we didn't get to have together. Same for going to a new restaurant. All of this will get easier with time but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

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Sorry for your loss. It's never easy.

However, I do want to take away the stigma of eating alone, watching a movie alone, etc. In my previous life, I was a tech consultant who traveled with a team and then was left behind by myself to finish the job. I spent more time alone in New Orleans, Columbus, Newark, and Dallas than I would have ever expected.

What I learned is that many people are alone. Those of us that were alone, together often met others and weren't so alone. It made the time better.

More importantly, you may not want to go out and eat dinner or go to a movie. That is a reasonable choice. That said, if you do and if you are worried about people thinking about you being alone you should know that most people don't notice anyone else. So they are not making judgments.

Most importantly, there are a lot of us who are alone out there. If you sit at the bar (and don't worry about drinking or not), you'll fit right in with the rest of us who are doing the same thing. We're all in this together.

"Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

Billy Joel - The Pianoman.

Going to a movie alone sucks. It also sucks when going with someone, just not as much.

The better choice is to watch the movie at home. Then you can pause it when you need to use the bathroom, you can eat whatever food/snacks you want without paying a fortune, the sound won't be too loud, you won't have to deal with obnoxious jerks around you, you won't have to worry about getting shot by some crazy off-duty cop, you won't have to sit through 30 minutes of ads, I could go on and on...

I love going to the movie theater by myself. I dont think it sucks at all and its quite great.

Its easier to get fully immersed. Its easier to find a seat. I can still chat with friends who saw the movie later by themselves.

>I dont think it sucks at all and its quite great.

You enjoy sitting there uncomfortable with a full bladder? Or you don't mind missing 5 minutes of the movie when you need to go?

I like going to the movies by myself. I used to do this all the time when I was single. I can just watch the movie and not worry about anything else.

It's ok to go to movies with other people too, but you aren't really socializing while you are watching the movie, unless you want to disturb the people around you.

It will get easier. Six and a half years for me, after almost ten of marriage. I wasn't the main meal preparer, but everything about mealtime took a different tack, including going out and experiencing new things in life. I felt like half of a team tackling the world. Eventually I moved to the mindset that the number one thing she would have wanted for me was to keep adventuring and getting out there, and I took to it quickly. Just as we grew to a be a team, I grew for a while to be solo, and then eventually grew to be a team with someone else. Our hearts heal and our patterns can change.

I understand that the main issue is the sadness, but there is nothing wrong with going to a restaurant by yourself. Absolutely nothing, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or pathetic. No one else in the restaurant will think twice about it either.

Right on. I do sometimes notice when people dine out alone, but I don't see it as strange or lesser than. I really just see them as a strong person, and wonder about their story.

I used to dine out a lot by myself. At first it is strange, but you can get over it. Other people assume you are traveling or working late. The waitstaff tend to pay more attention to you in my experience. Places I frequented would do things like bring me tea right away.

I still dine out alone at times because my family doesn't like some of the places I like to eat (spicy foods mostly) and I don't care what anyone thinks, it doesn't bother me.

There's so much more to it than embarrassment when grief is involved.

For me it felt pathetic because their absence overshadowed absolutely everything else, making it all feel wasted, from the effort to get out of the house to the order to eating to returning home.

It didn't matter if the restaurant or bar was full or empty, what others thought about me never crossed my mind, because all I could think about was the empty seat across from me, the empty stool next to me. Why bother when I can feel like that at home?

That's it, right there. It's less about what I imagine people around me are thinking and more about that inner critic. It's a hard thing to silence.

> Why bother when I can feel like that at home?

Well, the food is better, mostly.

I wish this were true, but I can tell when someone thinks I'm a weirdo for eating out alone. Just a month or two ago I went to a McMenamins (a pub/restaurant chain in Oregon and Washington) to have lunch and poke on my laptop, and the guy seating me literally asked if I didn't, like, have a wife or kids or anything.

What a rude host, damn.

"They died in a car accident. Thanks for asking."

"Yes, they came last week, and i wanted to see if you're as big a cunt as they said you were."

You're not a weirdo. That host is a weirdo.

If a one penny tip was ever warranted, this is the time.

Probably wanted to scout if you’re on a business trip and more likely to tip. Don’t assume malice…

None of his business. It's an absolutely rude comment no matter what the reason is.

Hard to judge, if you weren't there and don't know what was said verbatim, don't you think ? You may be right, but you also may be very wrong. I really dislike the piling on in thread. Jeez!

If a buzzy restaurant or show has a long queue outside you can usually skip it on your own. Feels very cool!

I was bored, went to a pub alone once, played pool with random people, was quite fun. For couple of hours. But didn’t like it as a general habit. But no one cared.

I’m so sorry, that sounds unimaginably hard. It’s hard for me to cook interesting things when my SO is just out of town for a bit.

One thing that did work for me when we were separated for a while was treating food like a chore, like showering or running. I gave myself permission to be monotonous, and just kept eating the same simple healthy things.

I have my phone remind me do to all those simple things that used to be effortless, like take a shower, eat something, feed the cat, water the plants, etc.

It does tend to be a lot of the same stuff. I've made more or less the same breakfast for 7 months now.

Right after my spouse passed, my neighbors very cleverly asked me if I could make them coffee and bring it over every morning - I had an espresso maker, it was still peak pandemic with limited access to coffee shops, I'd been so isolated and careful as a caretaker that I wasn't a risk, and they were desperate to have lattes.

That got me out of bed every day for months, right when I wanted to the least. I'd eventually have to leave the house to pick up coffee and milk. It meant making someone happy every day, doing something I enjoyed, saying hi and talking to someone face-to-face even if it was brief. That kept me going and held me accountable. Anything you can do like that is going to make things easier.

Sounds like you have wise and kind neighbors. I'm very sorry for your loss but I'm happy they were able to help keep you connected to life.

Got a very remotely similar story. My sister-in-law recently passed and people have been bringing us food. Which is a lovely thought, but we'd just returned from 10 weeks overseas and cooking for ourselves in our kitchen was something I'd been looking forward to. Instead, we have four lasagnes that our children won't touch because they prefer ours. I think staying busy and involved with people is more positive, at least for me.

I am sorry for you loss. someone I hold dear shared "A short story for support, by an old man" with me and I found it helpful. I don't know who wrote it, but perhaps I can share it here.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I2OnFobFvY0m3i4SGuDFh2kH...

Just chiming in to say that I went through all of this myself in 2015. It’s a long adjustment and grief is non-linear, but ultimately adjust you will.

It took me about 14 months to get to the point where enjoying something novel didn't invoke guilt. It has gotten, and does and will get, easier, but I also remember where you were very well and I know there's not much I can say that will help you now - it's terrible.

It has been 14 months since my wife passed after thirty years of marriage. There is a lot of good advice here. All I can say is things can get better. Grief is a process. Be kind to yourself. Seek out the company others if you can remotely tolerate it. Honor your wife by trying to be healthy and happy. You are not alone in your struggle.

Divorced for two years and I did most of the cooking, it didn't affect me much because I was already making large batches of food and freezing it. Here's my system:

- I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus, beans, etc) - I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away and put two away and freeze the rest - Before I eat up the rest of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the freezer and put them in the fridge - If I don't want to have what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry, omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)

I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into other dishes to keep things interesting.

Divorced and Widowed is not the same thing. In later specially in happy marriage grief component is very profound. In case of divorce grief might not be present.

I'll add to this, gently. There can be some awkwardness around how others refer to the person in your life who died. "Ex" is definitely not it. Gently correct them.

Also, when I talk about that time or person in my life, depending how much I want to get it into it and the level of familiarity, I describe that person using one of:

- My late wife

- My wife, who passed away

- My wife at the time

- A family friend

- I know someone who...

If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.

> If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.

Asking as someone that wants someone such as yourself, a total stranger, to feel like they can share however much they need if it helps in any way: how _should_ I handle that?

It kinda pains me to hear you basically explain how you have to consider another person's feelings when you are in pain. I can't imagine even having that capability myself, were I walking in your shoes.

I guess I just mostly mean keeping the seriousness level of the conversation at about the same place. If it's someone I know well or we're talking pretty seriously, I'd bring up the topic. If it's a light conversation, especially with a stranger or lesser-known acquaintance, I'd relate things in a way that doesn't necessarily bring up a death unless that's relevant to the topic at hand.

being a victim of divorce court is entirely a circumstance of your choosing.

first, I absolutely agree that divorcee and widow are entirely different concepts and experiences.

But, unpopular opinion : becoming romantically involved with another is also a circumstance of your choosing; and although the death of a partner is rarely the choice of a spouse, the emotional involvement and entangled lives are the product of choices by both parties.

root parent : I can't myself imagine the loss of my partner, as I have grown so dependent on the relationship and the companionship provided. I think you are coping very well compared to how I see myself handling something similar, and I hope your days continue to improve.

As for the restaurant judgements : who cares what other people think? Screw 'em. There's a lot of judgemental bastards out there, and their opinion doesn't mean a damn thing.

That's simply not true, and I'm not entirely sure what would motivate someone to say such a thing. I would speculate, however, that it's a gleeful kind of trolling, a chance to say, "But it was your fault!" in the face of someone in great pain.

Consider the case where your child dies. Yet, you chose to have a child, knowing that he or she may die. So, you are also suffering from a circumstance of your choosing, no? Well, no, that is absurd. In fact, any misfortune can be similarly characterized as "of your choosing" since choice always affects the situation we experience. The logical problem is that the situation is not a function only of choice; change factors in, as do the choices of others. The ethical, or moral problem is that such a statement openly expresses contempt for those in pain, and a positive desire to increase that pain, and I think sadists like that serve no purpose on this Earth.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

>going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic

I do this all the time, movies as well. Never had a spouse, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think you should try it, even if it makes you feel pathetic. You need to learn to live by yourself for a while maybe

I agree with your general sentiment, but try to understand that if you've never been married it might put you into a vastly different frame of mind from someone who has rarely eaten alone without their SO for a long time.

Also, they most certainly do NOT have to "learn to live by yourself", at least not immediately.

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