Additionally, aside from a close friend or two and my partner, I’m not very funny or sociable. How can I work on improving this?
* Don’t be clever. Clever is the attempt to short-circuit logic to arrive at a conclusion in seemingly fewer steps. This tends to backfire with either incorrect conclusions or logical fallacies that don’t make sense.
* Don’t self promote. If you want to be likable never talk about yourself except for moments of private self disclosure.
* Don’t interject into a conversation unless you have an exceptionally important reason for doing so.
* Have empathy, the non cognitive ability to anticipate the pains and pleasures of others. Don’t guess at this. Read people, read the room, and then qualify your assessments with pointed questions. You have to naturally and innately want to do this.
* Be direct. This means starting with a conclusion, but be prepared to progressively step through the logic only if asked.
* Be honest. You cannot achieve trust without honesty. Many people find directness and honesty challenging.
* Be available. This means an eagerness to exit your current focus and redirect yourself to the needs of someone else instantly without prior notice. When this is not possible respond with why and when you will be available.
* Be helpful, which means an eagerness to spend time and effort to solve a problem with someone else, a problem that do not own and will not be awarded for.
* If you wish to be humorous amplify logical directness with a play on words or through gross amplification, particularly when that directness comes at the expense of somebody else. If in practice this will require any kind of explanation then don’t do it.
Notice I never mentioned kindness or sympathy. That is intentional.
As to being likable, empathy, trust, and generosity go a long way. You have to understand how people feel and let people understand that you are a reliable person. Occasionally, it doesn't click as they have a different philosophy of life and that's okay.
I'm trying to improve on this as well.
(And you don't need to be funny in order to be likable)
This is a group of people who are working on their speaking skills, but the effect goes way beyond improving one's public speaking.
I've seen many introverted people who could barely speak about themselves for one minute during the first "Ice-breaker" presentation undergoing a complete transformation within 6 months.
You'll meet once a week and exercise your communication muscle in a variety of ways. For instance, one fun part of Toastmasters meetings are brief, impromptu speeches on a topic you are given on the spot. There are also many less challenging roles in the meetings, and beginners typically work their way through those to get the experience and lose their fears.
I credit Toastmasters for becoming more engaging and less boring in a social setting ;)
That said, the key is what jamager said: listening and honestly caring about others. That should be the underlying value. I would emphasize that because it's also possible to get really good at public speaking and being very performative without actually connecting with anyone.
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/z60i2x/what_is_the_...
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/z6m1g6/there_is_a_m...
So just be aware that this is not a personal failing of yours, it seems like more of a norm.
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" is the kind of thing the crowd here will sneer and roll their eyes at but for me it felt like the missing manual I never got for socializing and functioning in a work environment once I aged out of the early 20s startup/tech thing where frat house behavior is encouraged.
Like anything, socializing is a skill and you're going to have to fumble through the awkward stages to develop it. Toastmasters or if your business is large enough to have interest groups (veterans! Parents! They might even have Toastmasters! Etc. Etc.) Gives you something in common to talk about.
Greet people in the morning, especially if you see them regularly. Even if they groan or are grumpy its still nice to be acknowledged.
A lot of people like to sneer about smalltalk but I'm absolutely not going to leap into a discussion of Machiavallian ethics or particle physics or whatever with a dude I've never talked to before.
Have some business safe Normal People things to talk about. I do genuinely like sports but I made lots of friends with sales/marketing/execs/finance/etc. When I could ask them how their team was doing (or whatever) vs. The 10,000 technical weirdo of the day. It doesn't have to be sports. I have cats. That is what work people know about me. They don't need to know how much I play vidya or that I'm really into RPGs or whatever right up front unless they are obviously into that.
Ask questions. Not in an annoying way. But a lightly curious way. People leave signs all the time. Maybe their wallpaper is pictures of their kids or pet or car or boat or I dunno, whatever. Ask about it, just "oh is that your kids/dog/boat/etc.?" Ask a couple questions like how old they are. And then ask how they are doing every now and then when you talk to that person.
Pick people's brains. If someone is working in a job you want or are curious about or working with a technology or something you find interesting, ask them if you could have coffee or lunch and pick their brain sometime.
Humor: Humor in the workplace is a good way to get fired if you don't know what you're doing, and if you're asking this, you don't.
That's because the book was written in 1936! One needs to look past the sometimes outdated examples and will find that every clue on social interactions is still spot on.
The next and last stop is to have your own unique life (goals, values, interests) and just live it, manifest it.
Then you’ll get as many friends as you need, unless you live in a cave or you realize you’re a monk.
There’s nothing worse than those fake shallow people pleasers type. We, normal smart educated people, hate them and don’t really want to have any friendship with them even if we never admit it publicly.
At the same time I think being likeable is not always a target you should aim for.