Comment by lordnacho | Hacker News Reader

Comment by lordnacho | Hacker News Reader

Great article, though it does give a sort of programmy-algorithmic answer to one of life's great questions. Not saying that's bad, just unexpected.

I was actually thinking about it today. Here's an awkward truth about friendships that everyone needs to get comfortable with: often one of you is more interested in the relationship than the other. You know what I mean. For instance, I was invited to a wedding a few weeks ago. It never occurred to me to write to this buddy in many years, I didn't invite him to my wedding, but he invited me to his. I had a great time, we caught up and had a good talk. The same has happened the other way round, I'm sure. People I like a lot and contact, but they don't contact me. Yet when we hang out, everyone has a good time.

If you act weird about these relationships, you lose them. You don't want to do that, because marginal relationships are maybe the most rewarding to maintain, IME. People doing different things to you in different places bring a lot more into your mix than the ones you see every day. There also tend to be many of these relationship-seeds, so your close friends will grow from some of them.

I think that’s any close relationship: the internets like to say if you don’t get 50/50 - hit the lawyer, but reality is it is never 50/50. You won’t be in any long term relationship if you don’t accept that.

Michelle Obama posted this recently (that I agree with very much)

‘’’

michelleobama

Verified

As an adult, I’ve lived in a number of places, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve only ever had one real home. My home is my family. My home is Barack.

But here’s the thing—our marriage has never been perfectly 50-50. One of us is always needing more or giving more. We have to be willing to listen to each other, honestly and without defensiveness. Only then, can we evolve together.

Over the years, a lot of young people have asked me about marriage. And my response usually goes something like this: You have to prepare yourself for long stretches of discord and discomfort. You have to learn how to make real compromises in the way you’ve lived as an individual. Glamorizing a relationship while you’re dating will lead you straight to difficulty once you’re married. You can’t paper over problems when you’re living with someone day in and day out.

So you’ve got to ask yourself: What are you trying to get out of this relationship? Have you truly thought it through? Do you want a wedding or do you want a lifelong partnership? Those are two very different things. Together, you are answering the question: Who are we and who do we want to be?

‘’’

I appreciate you calling this out.

I want to take a step back and generalize a little here, because I think there are a huge number of hypothetical "ideals" we tell ourselves friendships (and families and relationships) are "supposed" to be, but in reality basically never are - and when we hold ourselves to these ridiculously high standards literally we just end up isolating.

For example I think a lot of people act like lying is a huge betrayal of trust, but white lies are more-or-less a social lubricant (even comfort-lies that might prevent the person from growing, like "Yeah it was him/her, not you.").

Another example is romantic idea that we're 100% into 1 person romantically and 0% into anybody else until the moment we break up.

"Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten the problems" - I think this quote fits to so many more situations as I get older. Relationships (w/ friends and family) are easily strengthened by traditions.

Traditions are very algorithmic. Traditions sometimes force us to connect/meet people and resolve conflicts if you follow the "rules". Traditions can be hard to follow (as in overcoming some inertia or discomfort).

PS: Don't have to think of just cultural traditions. A gang of college friends can have their own silly but decades long traditions and inside-jokes.

It's a good point, but I would say it's not awkward, just expected unless exceptional circumstances (for example two single persons sharing a flat and having similar interests at that time). Like any relationships, friendships evolve with time, you might get close at some point but things change and you are not in touch much for the next few years, and then the situation changes again and you are back closer. Don't you think?

I see this happening especially when people get in and out of intimate relationships. I think it's just life...

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