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Comment by Barrin92 | Hacker News Reader

I don't really understand this tendency to create these artificial systems for having friends. To me it's in the same category as dating apps, or weird exercise routines.

The best way to have deep friendships is to live a social life. Engage in the community you livee in, take on responsibility, be politically active, start a business, become an open source maintainer, if you're religious go to church/mosque/etc. If you're active and engaged with the people around you'll basically have no choice but to have deep friendships. We're social animals by nature, there's no need for a ten step program.

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Some of the suggestions you offer don't really increase the chances of making close friends.

Like being an open source maintainer - how is that really going to lead to close friends?

Or starting a business - sure you might network more, and meet business partners, but do they really become close friends?

I will say that going to a church regularly was the #1 thing that really led to lots of friends for me. Like instantly.

I'm not talking about 'networking' which is a grift in the same category as all the other artificial crap, I'm talking about sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you. You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family.

And being involved in an OSS community around a shared project, particularly long lived ones offers the same opportunities especially for people who are physically in a place that's isolated. I know a non-trivial amount of people who found their spouse through academic and OSS communities. Work connects people.

>You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family.

In my experience, right until the moment you're not longer stuck together and then you start to drift apart pretty quickly.

> sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you.

Sure, I've done that. And yes it creates a connection of sorts, I got to know my co-workers pretty well at least in that context. It's a social situation. Demented and sad, but social.

But did it ever lead to meeting up to do anything outside of work? Not once. Did I keep up with any of those people after job changes? Not even for a day.

You are describing ways of getting acquaintances/just friends, the article describes ways of deepening those friendships such as paying more attention to questions that lets you better know people, I found it very helpful, it may come 100% naturally to you, but not to all of us

We're bipedal animals by nature, but not every individual is able to walk. Likewise, although we're social animal by nature, not every individual can easily form close social ties.

There are many reasons a person might struggle to make friends. For instance, some people were poorly socialized, or have some kind of early-childhood developmental trauma that makes it difficult to feel the appropriate emotions when talking to people. Others naturally have trouble with empathy and so are unable to smoothly navigate social interactions. And some just naturally aren't interested in learning about other people's lives, or in telling others about themselves. So they have to force themselves somehow.

I agree with you: these artificial systems are pathological and unpleasant. But sometimes it can seem like the only option.

My impression is that you've never struggled with any of these very basic aspects of life. Consider that not everybody's experience is the same.

I don't think your experience translates well to everyone, hence the need for different methods.

I'm active in my community, politically active, have started and sold a business in the past, etc... and all I have are acquaintances. I don't think anyone outside of my immediate family even knows when my birthday is or how old I am.

This really isn't true. I lived a pretty active life for a decade or so, as a drummer in various drum groups (samba, etc). I was well-liked, people knew my name and seemed to enjoy hanging out with me, and I had some decent conversations. But I didn't really have any people I'd be super comfortable chatting with 1-1, and nobody I'd call up and specifically hang out with.

It was only when the pandemic hit that I realised that, without the regular group socials I was used to, I literally had nobody to chat to. At that point I started doing more or less exactly what this article said, and deliberately trying to make closer friends. I'm happy to say that the strategy worked pretty well.

Perhaps you are naturally good at making deep friendships in these circumstances, but I think a lot of people are not.

You're describing a way to make colleagues and acquaintances, not friends.

The more active social life you lead - the less time you have to spend on every individual you meet, hence, it is not enough to become close friends.

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