Emotionally Intelligent People Use 3-Word Phrase When Criticised | Hacker News Reader

Emotionally Intelligent People Use 3-Word Phrase When Criticised

inc.com

16 pointsisaacfrond23 comments

Say you're in a position where you get a lot of criticism.

Now there's good criticism where people bring up legitimate concerns that genuinely make things better. This is done usually at tasteful times(Q&A, etc) or in private.

But there's also bad criticism. Some might call it cynicism. The type of criticism provided for self-interest or to make someone else look good and you bad in the moment. They usually save their criticism for an opportune moment such as presenting in front of the leadership teams.

While "don't feel attacked" is useful for good criticism, you know you are being attacked by the cynic. It is less of a "don't feel attacked" feeling and more of a "here it comes" type of feeling.

I think emotionally intelligent people know how to stay stoic through all the types of criticism, skepticism, cynicism, and sarcasm coming your way. Many of the books on emotional intelligence try to frame feedback as a means to address the problem and not you. But the reality in the world is that some people will simply not like you. Being emotionally intelligent means recognizing this when being criticized. i.e. self-awareness

I've found that heated verbal arguments almost always end with me looking like the asshole. It's the parable about wrestling a pig in mud, you both look nasty and the pig enjoys itself.

Instead, I try to calmly answer in as few words as possible using kind, non-committal language. Folks have figured out that when I'm not cussing anymore is when I'm pissed.

Also using lots of "I feel" phrases instead of "you are". "I feel like this is something we should talk about in private" rather than "You know this isn't the appropriate time for this discussion.".

"I feel"

You lose instantly, feelings are not facts - but often getting drawn into heated exchanges there is an asymetry of information (or asymetry of honesty) that makes actual balanced conversation impossible. The only winning move is not to play.

"I feel..." IS a fact, and it can't be refuted by the other person.

Exactly. You don't win against an asshole by arguing. You win by either getting them to understand where you're coming from or by letting them show their true colors while maintaining the moral high ground.

GOOD LORD i cannot find the three word phrase due to the cookie banner, ads, and autoplay video ads.

the three words are "this site sucks"

“Don’t feel attacked” is the phrase the article takes a while to get to.

It’s good advice but the article mildly frustrated me as it’s written in the style of those recipes that take way too long to get to the ingredients.

Or, "don't feel eager to be offended".

Don't think about the pink elephant.

There is study for the brains inability to deal with negatives. In communication one can get rid of a lot of miscommunication by rewording negatives. Just mishearing or misreading a sentence can reverse the intended meaning.

Great article. I’ve tried prompts to remind myself “don’t get angry” but tbh it hasn’t helped. Instead I’ll try remind myself “don’t feel attacked” and ask for some time to think

Wait, are writers incentivized to get “scrolls” now?!

Emotionally Intelligent People dont need the three-word phrase because they can understand and comprehend human feedback.

Emotionally intelligent people are only one of two peers in communication. It could be that the "sender" is sending wrong signals without noticing. This is very often the case in intercultural exchange as habits, tonality and expression are very different.

The phrase is a good protection mechanism against such things. It prevents you from directly reacting negatively and maybe solve a message unwillingly disguised as (personal) attack by asking what was meant.

edit: got lost in my own sentence...

Emotionally intelligent people understand the stress and anxiety that comes with delivering feedback or criticism, and should be attuned to the signals right or wrong. In addition the high EQ general dislike the fluffy bullshit that dominates feedback to the point where the occasional personal attack is prefered - as that actually serves a function.

As for the advice presented itself, personally I see it as things to do to make you seem more high EQ - however it is a pretty negative framing. Akin to getting on a plane and using the magic 8-words confident flyers tell themselves the whole flight - "we wont crash, explode and all die today".

The truth is a confident flyer doesnt give the thought the time of day, and the finest people I have seen take criticism didnt confuse criticism and attacks - and show great appreciation for even brutal feedback or criticism.

The word attack in the phrase might create some negative thoughts. I would think that a more positive phrase could be something like - "This could be useful". Please don't feel attacked by my comment. This could be useful.

Tangential: Lessons from people who are “immune” to narcissists > https://youtu.be/hsC2_CUVBp4

Feedback is good, even if it's not in a pleasant form. What's worse is receiving no feedback at all. I assume people are trying to give constructive feedback.

I just tried telling myself "don't feel attacked" by the number of clicks I had to give to simply read this article. My amygdala must be faulty...

I feel attacked by the interstitials on this website.

Interstitials or chum boxes?

Telling people how to feel about being mistreated isn't a winning plan.

I think it depends on the intent and assuming others are trying to give constructive feedback. That's not mistreatment.

Not all feedback is delivered exactly how we would like (people are human), but that I, you, and they should try to deliver feedback professionally.

Clickbait headline. The phrase is “Don’t feel attacked”

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