I am sorry to hear that. You might find very useful this EP about meditation from Andrew Huberman: https://youtu.be/wTBSGgbIvsY

It’s the first time I saw someone differentiating different types of meditation and it seems to match your experience.

Basically, we can either exercise and build up our focus to our internal state and bodily sensations OR do the same but focusing externally.

The interesting thing is that some people are biased to one or another, and if you have issues like anxiety then you should probably practice meditation to strengthen your focus and attention less on your body and more externally.

Really recommend the whole EP, I think you’ll find particularly interesting given your story.