I took mushrooms three years ago and immediately gained a pervasive baseline anxiety in my life. Haven't been able to shake it since. Wouldn't recommend if you have any issues with anxiety in your life beforehand.
Have you looked into Internal Family Systems? Your experience seems to match pretty closely to the idea of protectors and exiles in IFS. I think meditation sometimes bypasses protectors, which can result in extreme pain.
It’s the first time I saw someone differentiating different types of meditation and it seems to match your experience.
Basically, we can either exercise and build up our focus to our internal state and bodily sensations OR do the same but focusing externally.
The interesting thing is that some people are biased to one or another, and if you have issues like anxiety then you should probably practice meditation to strengthen your focus and attention less on your body and more externally.
Really recommend the whole EP, I think you’ll find particularly interesting given your story.
I get super anxious about doing anything I haven't done in a while, but falling off the bike solves the fear of falling off the bike real fast. For me, at least
If it’s any solace, I’ve come to enjoy this aspect of my personality. My constant worrying annoys my wife, but I’ve come to accept that this is how I think, and that has given me solace. I’m not sure I would change it if I could now.
Hope you're doing okay. That anxiety is something that's almost impossible for people to understand if they haven't experienced it.
I've never really put this experience in to words before, reading it back maybe it's time for me to try something other than waiting for it to burn itself out.
God I know exactly what you mean. There's this feeling that surfaces during the trip that's so familiar and so real and you realize it's always there, but hiding under the surface. And now that you've seen it, you can never quite fully ignore it again.
> maybe it's time for me to try something other than waiting for it to burn itself out.
It hasn't burnt itself out for me either. I don't think it ever will. But therapy has helped, as has leaning into life, and getting lost in it a bit.
What a wonderful therapeutic substance, it just doesn't fix everything on its own but requires further work, paving the path for it.
However, 30 years later I have understood it and am very full and compete due to this process.
I think what is scary is that it takes us from unknowing children into fearful adults without the skills to self reflect in a way that we can heal ourselves.
High quality therapy with a sound and grounded therapist really helped me. Beyond words actually.
It is easy to blame the trip but it isn’t the trip. We can alter ourselves, or the way we react to things.
Hope you make some progress.