Hacker News Reader

Comment by SoftTalker | Hacker News Reader

> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you.

That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.

In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one.

So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.

View on HN

>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.

As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to.

You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will not see it as a virtue, but instead will see it as a kind of 'untrustworthiness' if that makes sense? The social contract is that you make yourself a bit vulnerable to other people as a show of trust, they make themselves a bit vulnerable back, and then you have a bond.

You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.

Then you better let people know that you love lawnmowing as a way of processing stuff. They will send you food or good wishes if you are not allergic to those.

I think most people would be surprised by how often 'it's who I am' really boils down to 'I am currently comfortable with this'. Changing the deep feedback loops that we call a personality is usually very difficult because so much of the human firmware runs on autopilot and resists conscious control but we are not static patterns - we can and do change constantly. Some changes are hard and some changes are easy but it's remarkable how much a small change can sometimes make a big impact in our lives.

Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them.

Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision.

Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.

I'm the sort of person who only accepts help as a last resort. I don't like being a bother, but a few times in my life people have demanded to do something for me like this and I'll always remember it.

You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.

I think the missing context is that the person had mentioned to their friend about having issues with their law mower.

To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com