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After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you."

It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family.

I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visiting at the hospital or attending a funeral. But I was taken aback at how important and meaningful that concrete and thoughtful help was. I'm now trying to look for ways I can offer something concrete and thoughful whenever possible.

> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you.

That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.

In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one.

So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.

To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.

You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.

Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them.

Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision.

Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.

I'm the sort of person who only accepts help as a last resort. I don't like being a bother, but a few times in my life people have demanded to do something for me like this and I'll always remember it.

I think the missing context is that the person had mentioned to their friend about having issues with their law mower.

>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.

As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to.

You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will not see it as a virtue, but instead will see it as a kind of 'untrustworthiness' if that makes sense? The social contract is that you make yourself a bit vulnerable to other people as a show of trust, they make themselves a bit vulnerable back, and then you have a bond.

You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.

Then you better let people know that you love lawnmowing as a way of processing stuff. They will send you food or good wishes if you are not allergic to those.

I think most people would be surprised by how often 'it's who I am' really boils down to 'I am currently comfortable with this'. Changing the deep feedback loops that we call a personality is usually very difficult because so much of the human firmware runs on autopilot and resists conscious control but we are not static patterns - we can and do change constantly. Some changes are hard and some changes are easy but it's remarkable how much a small change can sometimes make a big impact in our lives.

One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else.

Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.

I've just discovered this firsthand. Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies. GrubHub is definitely good, but what's worked for us is a prepared foods service that drops off pre-cooked meals twice a week. Our friends and family gave us cash to help allay the cost of the service, but it's really not much more expensive than takeout.

We're in Seattle, and use these folks: https://www.westerlykitchen.com

> Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies

Maybe someone should create a meal registry. Like meal planning and a meal train combined with the concept of a gift register. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide, but on the other hand I have received meals I didn't eat so it'd be better for everyone. The idea is simple enough that I'd be surprised if it doesn't already exist.

Edit: ha, a search for "meal train" shows this solution as the first hit, so guess there's a demand after all.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide

I'm only this direct about it because of the severity of my food allergy. Wish I didn't have to be so picky!

This - providing meals - is a time honored tradition in many many cultures and communities, for exactly the reasons you mention.

I think the somewhat recent focus on nuclear families and breaking of social cohesion that came with it makes this harder. If you don't even know your neighbors, you probably don't know when they need the help, or if it would be appreciated/accepted if you offer.

Interesting to see this perspective. I've always associated the focus on nuclear families with a tight-knit neighborhood, almost small-town vibe where everyone knows each other and, yes, are up in each other's business. The breaking of social cohesion I've associated with the more recent phenomenon of it becoming more common to leave one's community to go to school or for a new job.

I agree it's a combination of travel an nuclear families but those things are highly interrelated. For what it's worth most of the small-town vibe I'm familiar with from actual small towns is behind the trend to nuclear families; more likely you have multiple generations of multiple families near by who know/grow up with each other. Not uniformly, but very common. Not that I'm highly familiar or anything.

But another important impact I think is that the idea of a nuclear family is pretty much predicated on independence of your little family unit. This not needing anyone else makes it practical to move across the country on short notice, but also makes it possible to break/ignore ties locally. This is of course also affected by the creation of state level supports.

In other scenarios, part of the reason that people got more involved in local community is because they literally risked disaster if they didn't.

Food delivery service gift cards has become my go to in these situations. It has been really well received. It can be tough to cook for other people’s families with kids.

My friend: "I can't pay my rent."

Me: "Whats your venmo".

4 minutes later....

My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back"

Me: "Good i don't do loans"

Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

>> When you help someone down, they never forget.

That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort.

That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

> That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

Not all reward is external.

Doesn't matter if they forget. Life's too short not to help others if you have the means to help.

This is such a miserable philosophy

> When you help someone down, they never forget.

Does that matter?

Oddly enough, decades later, I can say: yes it does.

People I came through for before seem to pop up in my times of need now. And people who helped others when we were younger now have amazing support networks, which makes a huge difference.

But hindsight being 20/20, does the future potential of someone to repay in kind influence your decision to help a friend now?

> My friend: "I can't pay my rent."

> Me: "Whats your venmo".

> 4 minutes later....

> My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back"

> Me: "Good i don't do loans"

> Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

Yep, they will never forget humiliation of depending on someone else's charity and will always hate you for it. But because it would be impolite to say it straight to your face they will find other ways to get back at you.

Also you are no savior if your fortune depends on a system(all of them, not only obvious one) that destroyed their lives.

Yes this would be mortifying to some people. I noticed my friend was having trouble with their car jack and dropped off a new one for them. They felt humiliated. Not saying don't do it, but be sure you know your friend if you do this. The "and you can't pay me back" is maybe the ouchiest part. It's unfortunate because the person giving the gift is usually genuinely trying to help, only to be slapped in the face.

"Yep, they will never forget humiliation of depending on someone else's charity"

Wow. What a horrible way to view the world.

I have friends like this. They fought super hard and sacrificed a lot to get themselves and their families where they are. Super kind and generous people. Getting unsolicited gifts like this feels like a big slap in the face of what they've accomplished. I'm not saying they're right to feel this way. But it's something that needs to be considered.

It's not really unsolicited if the friend just told you they can't pay their rent. If they were the stoic you write about, they wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

If someone is legitimately trying to help you, and it makes you feel bad, what you need is therapy, not someone else ignoring your struggles.

I've always tried to operate this way, loans create an obligation, but for when people are uncomfortable with a gift, I lean towards the pay-it-forward approach.

That's not to say there is no place for loans, but for me it has to be with the closest of friends, and when I've been the borrower, I sure as hell want to pay back, when I'm the lender, I'm much less concerned.

When it comes to things like this, my thought is you don't loan your friends money, you give it to them.

> When you help someone down, they never forget.

You assume that they will never forget and will be grateful to you for your help, but the opposite might happen: people will hate you instead of feeling grateful. Some people will resent being in a situation when they needed help. They'll feel inferior and will hate you for that.

Indeed, I'm finding that a lot of people find a phone call scary or threatening, and are much more comfortable with a text message, or even an audio message. At the same time, a dinner offer should be great for someone close enough, but in remote work that is more rare to happen.

Writing a recommendation on LinkedIn, to me, seems like the most actionable thing one can do in such cases.

When my son was born, my friends without kids would bring food by and want to hang out, while my friends with kids would just text us after they left food on our doorstep.

My MIL died unexpectedly some years ago. We all came home from the hospital that afternoon and were just sitting around. The doorbell rang; my wife saw through the window that it was one of her longtime friends. My wife answered the door; the friend handed her a casserole and said how sorry she was, then immediately left.

As far as concrete offers of help go, if they're someone I trust professionally, I usually say something like "If there's anyone on my LinkedIn that you'd like an intro to please let me know and I'll try to make it happen."

And for friends, I'm also open to meals, walks, hugs, co-working for a couple hours in a coffee shop, whatever they would find helpful emotionally.

Embarrassed to say I'd never heard it before it was featured in Andor but "an open invitation is no invitation at all" really revealed something to me about the nature of socializing.

I once offered the following to a fired friend right in the beginning of covid:

- weekly check-in to see how their job search goes and even if they need a laptop to do their home tests (because i knew it was broken)

- my reference and recommendation when they would reach the final stage of any interview ( i got a call from a hiring manager where i told them that they were basically the most talented colleague i ever had and it should be an instant hire)

- i even asked a friend to create a job for them in his company -when the previous one got into hiring freeze- and hire them temporarily until they found something more suitable.

I believe i did almost anything beyond human possible for them.

A co-worker who was laid off recently reached out to see if I had any room on my team. It broke my heart to say that we're not hiring for the foreseeable future either. I liked him a lot and thought he did good work, and otherwise I'd certainly have considered him. I told him as much.

We made plans instead to meet up for coffee and catch up next week. I wish I had something more concrete to help him out. This feels only slightly better than the empty platitudes mentioned in the article.

Maybe something will come up in conversation! In any case having something to look forward to, even as mundane as a coffee date, is a blessing when your daily routine suddenly goes out the window. I'm sure it means more to him than you guess.

That's a really good tip.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do" isn't all that helpful without being specific.