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Comment by IG_Semmelweiss | Hacker News Reader

Sad to know there were circumstances that led to a 19yr old that was driven and astute...stuck in jail for so long. Sometimes the dice don't roll your way...

It seems our destiny is set before we are even born. Our families (parents specifically) are a big part of it. Im thinking parents should have 1 lesson imprinted on them at the mat ward: your #1 job in 15 years will be to steer your immature yet independent son/daughter away from life-altering decisions that have no "UNDO" button. Everything else is unimportant.

EDIT: to be clear, this does not mean helicopter parenting or not allowing them to fail. It just means understanding when adolescents are playing russian rulette without knowing it, and letting them know about it.(ex. joining a gang)

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I'd say the #1 job you have as a parent is to make sure your child feels loved. This will create a sense of self worth, which is the best protection against bad decisions.

Some parents get so wrapped up in the steering part that they come down on their kids like a ton of bricks whenever they make a bad decision. These are often the times when your kid needs some understanding. You'd be amazed how much it means.

> Im thinking parents should have 1 lesson imprinted on them at the mat ward: your #1 job in 15 years will be to steer your immature yet independent son/daughter away from life-altering decisions that have no "UNDO" button.

Unfortunately I think most parents don't support this and believe in vague hand-wavy styles like "I need to let my child have space to grow and be his/her best self!"

While that's partly true, there's a difference between raising your child to become an adult and helicopter parenting.

I think most parents do support this, but the amount of control you have over a fifteen year old seems pretty minor: you have to hope the emergent phenomena you get from years 0-10 plus circumstance won't conspire against you.

One thing I realized pretty quickly as a parent was how little control I have over my kid. Eventually, my kids will have space whether I like it or not. The challenge is giving the tools and experience to make good decisions within boundaries. They need to be able to think for themselves. It's anything but laissez faire nor is it authoritarian.

It's frustrating to me that a lot of people only seem to be able to think in terms of whichever of those extremes they dislike the most.

It's also important to understand that it's impossible to inoculate your kids against all possible life-altering bad decisions. Part of being a parent is always having a view towards how to support your children going forward, whatever their changes circumstances, without denial or enablement. That might make the difference between one bad decision and a years long chain.

> One thing I realized pretty quickly as a parent was how little control I have over my kid.

Exactly. And we can all think of those parents in our peer group who haven't figured this out. They are making themselves crazy miserable either fighting with their kids or scheming to manipulate them.

My siblings and I all got the same upbringing, but they got up to some very bad things while I was hanging out in my dad's basement having LAN parties and going to college

Does make one wonder about the incidence of your case versus what I think most people presume to be the common case (bad environment leading to bad actions).

Well, I could see a bad environment making things bad. Hell, I suffered a tiny bit from that growing up in the USA. Our culture heavily pushes getting in debt and living paycheck to paycheck while driving new cars and enjoying other status symbols, and it took a few years of living paycheck to paycheck despite making a ton of money before I got my act together and put a budget together

I'm going to guess you are not a parent.

In more straighforward terms, what are you saying is wrong with their argument? Rather than beating around the bush by remarking upon what they are or aren't likely to be in your opinion

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