You are feeling bad ? Get in shape, work more. Do the thigs you have been trying to avoid doing.
Feeling depressed / suicidal ? No youtube / reels, do 1h of kickboxing or fitness everyday, sleep well. No excuses. Ever. Your mind IS stronger that you think.
Dont know what to do / how to start ? JUST START, do ANYTHING beside nothing. Do it for 6 months. Be disciplined.
Of course its not for everybody, and I disagree with many things he says but the guy has definetely an aura and sometimes if you hear the right things at the right moment it can make a difference.. personally Ive literally lost 5 kgs in 6 weeks because of 1 video and ive not started beating women as a side effect so so far so good i guess^^
My point is that if you can take the positive messaging and leave the nonsense behind, it doesn’t really matter whose videos are motivating you. Not in my opinion, anyway. CT’s objectively wrong about almost all of his lifting theories, but he’s right about one thing: it’s still your muthafuckin’ set. He’s amazing, his energy is so inspiring, and I’ve always loved him, even though I think he’s totally wrong about lifting practices (which used to matter a great deal to me).
If some dude talking gets you up and moving, good. Ideally, you’ll move beyond that person and stop helping an asshole get or stay rich (if he’s really a misogynist, he’s an asshole, idk who the guy is to pass judgement, myself), but if he’s helping you get your life together while you need it, do what you gotta do.
This is not true. I’ve has DL and CrossFit injuries hold me from training for years. And I’ve got back and am stronger than ever.
I know people who broke their backs who are deadlifting.
You have to tell your body that what got it in trouble is not blacklisted and can actually be good for you.
I'm feeling a little lost/confused/stuck/overwhelmed at the moment and nothing really makes sense to me.. in that context the advice would be what? To get offline, work hard and focus, sleep and fitness?
I know that sounds weird but first basically the guy has a way of talking that's just .. 'motivating'. Secondly it feels like he's with you when he says stuff like "of course it's hard, ITS SUPPOSED TO BE !" and also reading the testimonials of his university on the net where it looks like a bunch of young guys just followed the advice and went kickboxing everyday felt ... relatable so It stung me in my pride to not do it since I see myself as quite ambitious ^^. Wouldn't see myself paying for his stuff though (yet?).
For your case you'd need to tell more in what you are feeling overwhelmed. It could be all in your head or it could also be dealing with breakup, death of a relative and/or shitty wage and rent increase in the US at the same time for what I know ^^.
Maybe just watch a few motiational videos (and also this long one which is super funny if you can take a step back: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4isrrclZu0). Also one book I'm reading recently that is really nice is "atomic habits" (and also 'rich dad poor dad').
If you have troubles getting girls I also have other materials but I'd def get banned if I post it here so give me a mail adress to send it
https://www.jocrf.org/testing/who-should-be-tested/
I’ve read really great things about this place on Reddit (and a couple of negative things, too). If you have the money for it, it could be good.
Also if you have the money (I’m assuming you’re in the US, but I also don’t that other countries’ medical care covers this), see a therapist. You’ll likely have to go through a few before you find someone with whom you click, but a good therapist can help you work through those feelings. Motivational speakers are good at times, but their messages pose the risk of being taken too literally or too far, and being turned into a very unhealthy hyper-independence. This compounds your problems because not only are you whatever negative adjective for having problems in the first place, you’re now also a failure for being unable to fix the problems. Sometimes, we can’t solve our problems alone, and that’s ok.
By all means, watch some motivational speakers on YT. I named CT Fletcher as someone I loved in another comment, I used to watch and listen to Tony Robbins all the time. It’s all good in moderation. But don’t believe that you’re all alone in any of your problems.
A large bunch of girls (kinda sadly) respond well to that even though that doesnt help to build strong relationships or meeting high quality women.
Fitness is a necessary (but maybe not sufficient) component of a healthy life. It does not replace meaningful relationships or good emotional skills, but it's a great starting place for sure! Especially for techie types that don't get out much
I've found Jordan Peterson to offer similar, minus the brainless misogyny.
However when I talk about Peterson to a valued friend, there is a sense of distaste. But I can't pretend to not find what he talks about really interesting. I think he offers good advice to young men (and indeed women), however I think his advice particularly resonates with young men, as he doesn't subscribe to the view that they are by default part of a toxic patriarchy.
He has two tendencies which make him frustrating: first, he will state a statistic and follow up with an opinion, and when challenged he will reply that it’s not his views it is simply statistics. This can be very disingenuous, as you can infer many things from the same statistic.
The second, and much more egregious crime, is that he’s a climate change denier and proposes appeasement towards Russia.
His life advice is very good, and he talks about many interesting societal things, but when I see videos of him claiming himself to be a prophet: I am left with a sour taste.
I think you will have to give an example.
> The second, and much more egregious crime, is that he’s a climate change denier and proposes appeasement towards Russia.
Those are opinions, not crimes. And I don't believe he denies climate change, but rather many of the proposals designed to combat it are causing more harm than good, e.g. Germany unilaterally deciding to decarbonise whilst relying on Russian gas.
Here’s his comments about appeasement (taken from his 51 minute documentary about it): https://youtube.com/shorts/cj2axyfmcoE?feature=share
The proceeding examples are crimes because they are untruths that will cost human lives.
—-
In this video he uses the technique: https://youtu.be/Qnzd5w2FSr4
And as he says about Elliot Page: “this person is a role model and will be emulated, they have a responsibility” this applies to Peterson himself.
He does not deny climate change, he rejects climate change catastrophe fear driven measurements of questionable efficacy with known unquestionable negative side effect for many many people.
AKA things like the west moving their emissions to poor counties in order to "green" their economy. Or things like raising energy cost in an attempt to incentivizes people to use less energy. The problem here is that this affects the poor people proportionally more. It may reduce emission from the "rich" a tiny bit but it pushes million of people globally into poverty.
Ofc anyone is entitled to disagree with him. Many do in fact think the end justifies the means. Many people think it is totally acceptable that some people wont make it but "saving the planet" has the higher priority else we are all not gonna make it. Unsurprisingly Peterson as a psychologist has the focus (or bias if you want) on the individual therefore it would be morally wrong to push someone into poverty today to solve a problem of the future.
Again anyone can disagree with him on that but calling him climate change denier isn't disagreeing its just slander to avoid the complex moral problems around the topic.
The good: Some of the rules from his "12 rules" are legitimately good advice that I wish I had embraced sooner in my life.
* "Treat yourself like you are someone you are responsible for helping." (this is just good advice) * "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today." (mixed bag on this; a shoulder chip was a great motivator and learning that I'm not an imposter and never was has made me healthier but it's harder to motivate myself on work I'm not interested in), * "Tell the truth – or, at least, don't lie." (I lied to myself a lot when the facts didn't support my beliefs; that was a mistake). * "Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't." (I started learning much more quickly when I realized that I didn't know everything).
The bad: Peterson doesn't live up to his own rules and confidently asserts expertise in areas far outside of his area of knowledge and when pressed he'll serve up some word salad variation of the absolutely mind-destroying (for young minds) position that "there is no right answer/it's impossible to know what's true so you can ignore that evidence that contradicts your beliefs" (paraphrasing based on things I've heard him say on climate science, epistemology, science, biology, etc).
Also, he really likes pushing some pretty racist or offensive theories when far more plausible explanations exist without being grotesquely racist. For example, in this clip [0], Peterson and Stefan Molyneux (a deplatformed eugenicist, as you may infer from the clip) assert genetic are the explanation for differences observed in IQ testing when grouping by race. Peterson just asserts that genetics are the cause of the measured difference, even though that theory is contradicted by many studies of twins [1] that show socioeconomic status has far more explanatory power than genetics do. Further, the difference in socioeconomic status by race is a direct consequence of explicitly racist federal housing policies [2] (seriously, ctrl+f through this underwriting manual for the string "racial"; it's explicit about the intention to push black people into ghettos far from economic opportunity, while creating economically prosperous and racially homogeneous neighborhoods for white Americans that have natural defenses against "infiltration of inharmonious racial groups", all by only underwriting mortgages for homes in racially homogeneous neighborhoods located near abundant economic opportunity). Why would Peterson assert some races are genetically inferior when the facts invalidate that hypothesis and much more explanations that haven't been refuted by reality exist?
TL;DR: Peterson is not a good role model. If you need a role model for coming into adulthood, you can do much better than Jordan Peterson.
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HPiDbPjUzg
[1] http://ibg.colorado.edu/cdrom2016/franic/Moderation/Lit/Turk...
[2] https://www.huduser.gov/portal/sites/default/files/pdf/Feder...
Got any suggestions...
Sometimes all you need is a push or a kick in the butt to get in motion.
Please just keep in mind that many people “feel bad” for reasons beyond their control including trauma, depression and more - and need different kind of help.
That said, I'm glad you're able to identify and parse out the less positive aspects of his perspective.
If you're looking for a similar no nonsense, but without the more controversial and negative aspects I recommend looking into David Goggins.
His deplatforming from Twitter was interesting, because about a month before he had sworn of the platform and said he was only going to post for promotional material etc, he didn't stick to it, said something they weren't happy with and then was suspended. I feel his need for attention hurts his message quite a lot.
When I hear Peterson talking about mythology, he seems unique and interesting. When I hear Peterson talking about... whatever is the current hot topic... it's not too different from what idiots around me are saying all day long.
I have a problem with the fact that people see an 'expert' then want there opinion about everything or in the social media age, they give an opinion on everything, things way out of there expertise and often just makes you think they are dumb, but it seems a lot of people just want to follow someone, so they but these people on a pedestal and think that there views on things they know nothing about are somehow important, just because they had an interesting idea in a different field, a field they have been highly involved in for many years, rather than something they just randomly came up with on the spot.
I used to be in a social circle that felt cliquey and revolving around status, and would have panic attacks because I never felt emotionally safe and never felt like I had a true loving base.
Once I made a point to be positive, polite, respect boundaries and ignore trying to be something I’m not, I became a more empathetic, optimistic, and fun person.
I put out good energy, appreciate those who return it, and don’t sweat those who don’t.
Getting older was a big part of it and surrounding myself with people who value hard work and empathy.
Being a "physical" person. Again in my early 20s, I let take root the feelings, thoughts that I didn't need to worry much about my, "physical" life. That I could just ignore things like fitness or health. In my early 40s I became aware of just how foolish a decision I had made. As I re-engaged with physical activities, I realized just how much I had missed it, and missed out on rewarding and fulfilling stuff. 10 years later, having the idea and feeling, that I do "physical" stuff, is the number one thing that helps me move through, negative feelings, anxiety, depression. I don't work out everyday and I still don't do very well with eating, but I have the feeling those are things that I engage with, and work on, and it's a huge help.
> I am responsible for every single thing that happens in my life.
The power in this mindset is that it eliminates all excuses and makes you the captain of your destiny. The truth is, the vast majority of the things that happen in our lives, whether in the next 10 minutes or the next 10 years is ultimately the result of our decisions. Whenever anything bad happens, I always ask myself: what could I have done differently to have a better outcome or to have prevented that bad thing from happening in the first place? And without fail, there were always things I could've done differently or better. Then I take those learnings and apply them in the future in similar situations to have better outcomes.
Yes, obviously there is noise and randomness in the world outside of our control, but in the long term those things get averaged out and what you are left with are all of the decisions you made in your life that got you to where you are today. Most of the time, I've found that things aren't how we want them to be not because of the things that we did, but because of the things we didn't do. Achieving your goals often requires you to endure great suffering. Most people aren't willing to do that, so they never get what they want.
The alternative is to be a hapless victim buffeted by the winds of fate. That is a terrible way to live life.
Of course there will be some bad things that happen that are really a bolt from the blue. Maybe you're walking on a sidewalk and a car careens out of nowhere, hits you, and you end up being paralyzed from the waist down. Or god forbid you get cancer. But I maintain that the best way to handle any and every situation (including those terrible ones) is to not get emotional but focus on what you can do to make the most of it. At the end of the day, we all have to play the cards we're dealt. How you play them will ultimately decide whether or not you achieve the life you want.
So your results may vary. I have found that being scathingly honest about where I do have agency (as you mention in your last paragraph) is very helpful.
Such negative attitudes and negative views have been a long-standing part of my depression, and repeating them constantly and believing in them made my life palpably worse.
By not focusing on the negative, not focusing on the past nor on things I can not change, but focusing on the positive and hopeful things about myself, my future, and the world, I have been able to move forward in a positive direction rather than continuing to spiral downwards.
It was a bit tricky at first, because people might think I'm ignoring them (or even somewhat autistic), so the shell has to be personable and pay attention and act like a normal human being. The real benefit, however, is that the whole 'triggered' thing (rather prevalent in today's society) just stops being a problem, and you get a little breathing space in which to think about how best to respond to someone.
Do whatever useful thinking you want consciously and whenever you are aware that your mind is wandering, just notice it. I agree it is easier said that done and it needs practice
It is so easy to put pressure, shame, and negativity onto yourself, to a degree that you never would for anyone else. It has been very helpful at times to ask "What would I say to a good friend who was in the same situation as me?". Almost always, it is a complete 180 from the aweful things I would tell myself. Knowing that I have the ability to be just as compassionate to myself as I strive to be towards others, has been huge.
If you're struggling, search harder. Specifically, search. Not work--you're probably already working hard if you're struggling. But so many problems people have are proximity based, and sometimes you need to exhaust your search options before you figure out that the problem you had is really difficult to solve, because nearly no one is addressing it on a statistical basis.
This applies to finding a good price on repairs, finding a decent paying job, or understanding if you're solving a general solution in a known suboptimal way.
Search harder. A lot of our actions depend on the information we collect and how we process it to make decisions. And most people you know aren't going out of their way to understand what information they have at their disposal. They're making decisions based on what is in front of them.
And a lot of life we live today is based on interactions we make with people we don't know thinking a lot about how they can be the one to present information to us, and sometimes by explicitly leaving alternative information out.
I hope that helps you see life through a different prism.
Then ignore the rest. If one of your concerns bubbles up again, it was probably important enough to reprioritize.
1. Bias
2. Ego and pride baked in to justify their own lives
3. Fear that you may succeed in a way that invalidates their life decisions
To harp more on this, some people's social status is built on what is basically lies. "I'm an entrepreneur", when in fact they have never made a dime from their own business. Or, "I am a genius programmer", but are really just a mediocre mid level dev at Google. But their life partner, and close friends may sustain and build upon that false reality. Understanding these dynamics earlier in life would have gotten me very far
If you don't fight to direct that energy into things that are genuinely important to your life, it'll get drained out in useless ways by scrolling through Twitter/Reddit/HN, obsessing over the (national/international) news, getting into futile arguments with strangers on the internet, trying to have an "informed" (but actually shallow) opinion about everything, etc.
Intentionally spend time (and money) on good resources and practices instead. Read books, not Twitter threads. Learn to draw, or write, or make music, or any other creative endeavor and do it for yourself, not because other people will appreciate it. Surround yourself (physically, if you can) with thoughtful people who respect both you and your boundaries.
Productive: building, bonding, exercising, taking care of necessities like personal finance or doctors visits.
Consumptive: watching TikTok and other aimless scrolling, playing video games, binge watching TV, eating/drinking poorly, looking for unnecessary items to buy, and buying them.
In other words, looking backwards, that what we are today and have today, is the result of everything we chose, did, said, and even thought, in the past. So by wielding the power of preparation, we are able to influence our own future.
Example 1: Order that nice dress today, to feel better next week at that friend's party. (Prepare a great gift, so you make them extra happy.)
Example 2: Get that driver's license this year, to take that roadtrip in the mountains next year.
Example 3: Buy groceries on this windy/rainy day for dietary purpose, to feel healthier and lighter before year end.
Much more effective than thinking about what I "should" do.
2) You need to be able to flip back & forth between the very big picture and the individual view.
3) The narrative is constructible, and being able to flip back & forth between individual and societal and cosmic views helps you construct the narrative with better perspective.
Cosmic level: we're all gonna die and the vast universe will barely notice. But we're as much part of the universe as Mars and the Sun and the Andromeda galaxy.
Individual level: my coworker got a promotion does that mean I will not get a promotion. Also I notice I'm being treated differently at work because of my demographic characteristics.
Play the hand you're dealt and create a better narrative for yourself: my coworker's promotion demonstrates that promotions can be gotten. Here are the ingredients that went into their promotion. These are things I can do (I can construct a parallel network of champions at work, I can position myself as a complementary force whose promotion will also benefit the company). Here is the reality of the situation. This situation will either play out to my advantage, or not. Here are ways I can change the situation entirely (get an outside offer, switch groups). What's worth doing?
You can ~never escape society's context: if you're not socially fluent, or not attractive, or an immigrant, or abnormally attractive, or whatever, that's all what it is. But people "like you" have succeeded, for almost any value of "success" you choose. So what do you want and how can you get there?
Life is like Mad Libs. It's a random collection of stuff that you need to assemble into a narrative. The narrative is yours to construct. Too many people think it is set for them.
Catastrophizing is essentially thinking up worse and worse possible consequences of all sorts of events, choices, etc. Very common in depression cases, it tends to mean that the sufferer will think of the worst possible outcome of anything that could happen. Constructive Catastrophizing is taking a natural tendency to catastrophize and continuing it: what's the actual worst that could happen? Would I die? If I die, in the grand scheme of the Earth, is it really that bad? Almost certainly not, the Earth is a 10^21 tonne ball of iron. So it probably doesn't matter that much. And I probably won't die from <insert normal everyday thing>. Etc.
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/r...
I came across the concept of growth mindset a few years earlier and has since strengthened my commitment to adopting a growth mindset. I would recommend reading "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck.
Meaning is a more solid foundation to build a life around. It will get you through dark times, but it surprised me how much more I appreciated happiness as a result.
We are like cosmic ants on our little ant hill of a planet that can be kicked over by any number of events not least self inflicted annihilation through nuclear war.
It makes sense to me that most people without meaning will fall into distraction, hedonism or nihilism.
In a way I was lucky as my meaning was thrust on me as a parent. The best way I've heard it put is that the voluntary acceptance of responsibility creates meaning. That said, I was never going to shirk my responsibilities as a parent.
Having someone else who needed me gave me the meaning necessary to endure enormous suffering, to never let go, and to keep pushing through.
If I wasn't a parent I don't know how I would have done.
It's strange now to reflect because my life is so much better now and I'm oddly thankful for the ordeal.
When feeling frustrated with someone I care about or that is close to me, instead of trying to fix or change them or wanting them to be different, accepting without any contingency that this is exactly who they are and will be.
After this trip, I began to build my life in such a way that I always have some time dedicated to science, and I also lost interest in spending time and youth in such a stupid way as video games. I became aware of some of the sources of pain in my daily life and stopped being vulnerable to it. Now I am not afraid that life goes on because I do the right thing.
> And what specifically responded to you in stoicism?
Understanding of wisdom versus stupidity. Their respect to mathematics and other sciences. My inability to formulate any criticism of this framework.
Focus on one thing at a time and finish it.
Sleep matters
It's nearly impossible to fail out of tech; we're made. We'll all retire just fine. So why worry?
Life is for the living
Love and compassion is what gives meaning
And saying "yeah, I fucked up, X happened and I did Y because of Z that turned out to be mistake because this an that" then proceeding to fix it.
Shuts up people that think it's more important to find the blame than to solve the problem real quick. It's hard at first, especially when coming from environment where mistake = failure (school system...) but freeing once you get used to it.
Covid is one example of 0% efficacy and how basic precautions are a better strategy than chasing variants.
I call it "inferior calories", but common wisdom says low quality food and water just accelerate rot in a body and increase dead weight and unhealthy lifestyles (shooting up insulin and popping pills, instead of responsible health). The microbeads in the water are just another "flavor of the weak" as they breakdown even further and collect in the body.
"10 steps behind" also sums up climate change illiteracy. It looks like the inferior data on co2 is just to wearout people by telling them they failed at preventing climate change and to waste resources/time on the wrong goals with net-zero. It looks like methane leaks are starting to get priority in 2022, but decades of methane leaks with negligence and incompetence make the warnings of "25% to 80% more harmful to the environment" basic science on why temperatures are still rising.
I liken it to a morbidly obese person drinking a diet soda trying to be relevant. They already rotted and serve no purpose. Their data is obsolete and inferior.
The inconsistency does boost GDP and ROI if you know what you are looking at.
Sometimes they matter. Sometimes performance matters. Sometimes accessibility and usability matter. But never enough to really get hung up on, particularly if the person paying you doesn't care.
So the mindset change is to do the best feasible work within the constraints given, and no more than you're paid for, because it's not at all worth it.
Mental health and well being are the most important things to preserve. Nothing else matters as much, not the well-being of others, not charity, not broader social problems, not deadlines or money, but all of those might have some impact on your mental health as well. It's a tough one.
Don't care first about other people, but care about others when you can afford to. Anyone guilting you about social issues is either bourgeois or wants to be.
Overthinking is a thing, but sometimes it's also just another overused term of critique that too easily blocks progress.
Sometimes you really do need more thinking, even when it feels like the opposite is true...
However the thinking and its results need to be organized, or prioritized, or scheduled, or rearranged, or all of those.
IMO it's often better to modify one's thinking process than to do less of it, so to speak.
1. Don't assign to categories that which can be described through traits. Do not put things into "buckets" when it is possible to describe them by a collection of properties that they can have to varying magnitudes. The real world is a messy place, far too messy for buckets, and the more you can do this, the more flexible your mindset will be for what it throws your way.
2. All judgements are based on values, but others' judgements only matter to the extent (read "extent" as one of the varying-magnitude properties above) that they share your own values. You can't and won't please everyone, don't accept their attempts to shame or guilt you when you're living your values, their values are not more correct than yours.
3. Imagine a better version of yourself. More reasonable, more empathetic, more charismatic, more articulate, more expressive, a better negotiator, less impulsive, less abrasive, less arrogant, less cruel, etc. You choose what the better you is like according to your values, but these are some of mine. Strive to be this version of yourself whenever you can. Be on the lookout for cases where you are less successful than you expected, see where a better you could have succeeded, and take it as a lesson that moves you toward being that better person. And definitely don't fall for letting "be yourself" be an excuse to not be your better self.
4. Hold all knowledge as tentative. The difference between harmful dogmas and "absolute" knowledge is one that your subjective experience of that "knowledge" cannot differentiate. Before I realized this, I was extremely self-limiting and occasionally self-sabotaging.
That motivation isn't some intrinsic value but a fleeting feeling with no value without rigid discipline.
That there's no value in being what society considers a "good person", just pretending to be one when needed is more than sufficient.
It has incredibly reduced the amount of stress I used to impose on myself. Now I take each week one at a time and try to focus on small improvements.
2. Never stop learning, exploring, challenging yourself; the goal is to live an interesting life.
3. Pay attention to details; try to be prefect but accept that is not possible. Think more carefully before you act.
4. Look for your blind spots; learn not to make mistakes.
5. Your happiness should be based on improving your mind/body. Don't expect anything external to you to make you happy: not things, not others. Prisoner's dilemma means you shouldn't count on anyone else to do the right thing for you.
6. Manage expectations (yours and others). If the world doesn't work as you expect, then update your expectations.
That is, the thought only caused me significant pain if I honestly thought it was true -- a part of who I am, a part of my story, a part of my life in some way.
The most I practice mindfulness, the more I'm able to be mindful to my attachment to certain thoughts in the moment. As soon as I see this attachment as it is, the power it holds over me dissolves a bit and the pain I feel around it almost magically slips away.
Introspection led me to replay my life objectively and got me to an understanding about how much assumptions I add to what really happens in my life. These assumptions were choices that twisted my perspective on many, many things. It was not my parents, siblings, friends nor the environment that made the choices, it was all me.
With the life I have now, I choose to be happy so I am presently happy.
Whenever I'm feeling down or off, if I can remember to begin enumerating all the people and aspects of my life I'm grateful for, it has a tremendous and powerful positive effect.
I decided I was not particularly interested in having a romantic relationship. My desire for endless intellectual and world exploration was bigger and I was not willing to compromise on this at all. And I enjoyed the experience more when I was alone, not having to consider someone's else opinion.
I am quite more happy now.
2. Realizing that there is no such thing as “too late” or “too old”, and that the only race I’m in is against myself.
The more I cared, less would happen.
The less I cared, more would happen.
There’s many various lessons in stoicism, taoism, and buddhism that I found made my life net positive and wishing I discovered / practiced them earlier. But like all things that ruins the magic of them now.
A general interest in philosophy will have you stumbling upon these ideas in all sorts of forms.
After that I started to learn a lot more about business. Most of the people that write checks don't actually respect people that make stuff. In fact, I'd say more often than not I detect resentment. So not only do you need to charge them so much that it hurts but you've also gotta be sort of curt, bordering on rudeness and a bit aloof and make them scared they are missing out on something. (This is not advice, I'm a weird person and the fields I work in... YMMV.) The more you charge, the less work is expected of you and the more trust you get. I consider that trust a sacred gift. I underpromise and overdeliver.
It kind of turns out though that the money class not really respecting the production class means they expect you to choose between building and running. If I choose to be an engineering manager or C suite, they get freaked out if I write code too much. Also if I write code, I'm not supposed to be able to do UI/UX, branding, copy, or anything else. Before I got good at programming I worked in graphic design for web and print and I'm a pretty accomplished writer. My process for building things means these assets come out of it. I have to hide and dumb down these assets.
I love building things. Like really love it. If I can get flow state once every month for a couple hours.... I'm complete. I'm happy. I need to get my hands dirty to understand what I'm directing and communicate it effectively. So, to get more comfort in life I have to work against the fact that I like to build things and my natural impulses to share enthusiasm. The money class seems to largely think that people that want to build things are suckers to be beat up for having interest and care.
I lost something learning this. I used to be really angry about it. Now it's just kind of sad. I live better and can pursue things I like better. I build biz appropriate things for larger sums. The real shit I'm capable of though, it took me a while to realize I need to keep working on that for myself and slow drip it to people. No one cares what you CAN do, they want what they've already seen and they respect you if you charge them so much they have to talk about you as a partner or at bare minimum an investment.
Focusing attention on one thing and not on another is difficult but once aware of the “game” it becomes possible.
That's the truth. It's just uncomfortable for those with money and not enough courage to admit it.
Self-reflection (and a nice dose of stoicism) every now and then helps keep that in check, but it's also crippling to stay there too long.
That helps me set an upper bound on my own mental suffering.
It's "not for everyone" though, to put it mildly. It is also not without negative consequences.
However, aside from being mostly false, it's a really harmful and useless mindset. I actually changed my mind via a circuitous route, by reading some self-help book (I don't even remember why I would have done that, very unlike me then) and getting way into GTD/self-help/lifehacker for a year or so. After course correction back into sanity, I was left with an implementation of GTD that works for me, a real job, and generally a much healthier perception of work and success. It did wonders both in my actual life but also made me way happier. Combined with, from my anti-social times, still not caring too much about status symbols and such. It's great.
Second and weirder, and much later, one, is (mostly) embracing absurdism/nihilism. For a long time after I realized there's no god, I couldn't fully accept humanism cause it seemed arbitrary, so the fact that life has no intrinsic meaning whatsoever really disturbed me. I wonder if this is the stage of irreligion where people who don't just ignore the question get into ideologies and spiritual woo... if you don't do that, there's almost like a semi-dark valley you have to cross when you know intellectually life is utterly meaningless, but you haven't really internalized it so you keep looking for meaning. If you get stuck there, you will probably be less happy than you would be otherwise, but if you keep going you come out on the other side much happier and without brain fog of looking for "meaning". I wouldn't claim I came ALL the way thru, but definitely a ways.
Learning the basics should be a mandatory class in schools in my opinion (scientifically backed learning material.)
if you can't do it, there is no point wasting stress on it.
When sober, I’d flip between being incapable of leaving bed, and capable of leaving bed but really angry that I had to, so I was very irritable. I did my best to not snap over stuff, but it was a real struggle. In this way, COVID was a benefit to me. We worked 100% remote, and the servers I maintained did nothing critical, so I could sleep a lot during work days (my managers knew I was severely depressed and had been hospitalized over a suicide attempt, so they worked with me a lot, and I’m so lucky to have had such supportive management). I was so deep in this depression that I stopped taking medication because I didn’t think there was any hope. It wasn’t “if,” it was “when” I’d finally kill myself. My intent was to wait for my mom and aunt to die so they wouldn’t have to deal with the sadness. I figured my siblings would be sad, but no one else would care.
Because of all that, I’d get really pissed over the most minor things. I’d lose my shit about the smallest mistakes in traffic—-largely because I was so uncomfortable being out of my home that I was always rushing to get home—-I was constantly yelling in the car. I couldn’t handle any level of irritation.
One day, I accidentally swiped to apple news, and I saw a link to a clip of Anderson Cooper interviewing one of the founders of “loving-kindness” meditation I watched the clip, assuming that it’d be about a bunch of mystical bullshit. I learned that I had some very incorrect ideas about meditation, and so I found some loving-kindness meditations, and started immediate. The beginning of the ones I listened to said to think of someone you love with whom you have no complications in your relationship. That person doesn’t exist for me, and then she said, “it can even be a pet.” I saw my bird’s face so clearly, he’d died about six months before this, and I thought, “he was so happy every day. Everything was an adventure to him. He made the mundane entertaining. He wouldn’t want me to be so sad all the time.” And I started bawling, I had to stop the meditation because I couldn’t hear it anymore. I got it under control and finished the meditation, and for the rest of the day, I felt good.
I did the meditation the next day, and I felt good again, and I remember so vividly leaving the grocery store, and this guy in an Acura SUV in front of me was driving like absolute garbage, like he’d never seen any city before, let alone the one we were in: he had no clue where he was. And I felt like screaming, and I thought, “may I be kind, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I live with ease,” the mantra they have you repeat in loving-kindness meditation. And that snapped me out of the cycle, and freed up my mind to think, “wait, this starts with well wishes to others. That’s a person in front of me. Maybe they’re not from here. Maybe they /are/ just a terrible driver, but maybe driving scares the shit out of them, there’s not much choice but to drive here. I shouldn’t be mad at them, I should be empathetic. They, too, just want to get home.”
I’d been in therapy for years, but refused to see a psychiatrist outside of the time I was forced to see them in the hospital (and I put on a face and lied my ass off to get out of that prison), but I finally saw a psychiatrist to get new antidepressants (I’d previously gotten them from my PCP), and to get whatever other diagnoses and medications he might have for me. I got put on an SSRI, and I maintain a mostly positive mood as long as I don’t stop taking them. That was also difficult and strange to come to grips with the probability that I’ll have to always take depression medication. It felt like failure, but I recently, finally, got over it after a couple of depressive episodes.
The way I see it, though, those four sentences changed my life. I got back with my ex (it wasn’t just breakup grief, she really is the most amazing person I’ve ever met), got a new job with “senior” in the title, and I’m learning new stuff every day at work now. My life is shockingly good now.