I always thought it's absurd that people who don't even know what a loop is think they can become professional developers by going into a hip coding bootcamp for a few weeks, when people with years of experience can't get a job.

I've spent a few years unemployed after I quit my shitty job to focus on finishing my degree. I know it's hard to learn new things when you're depressed, but If I were you I would be reading C#/Java/MSSQL/Oracle books and doing example applications by following tutorials. You can find all the materials online, for free.