Comment by smeej | Hacker News Reader

Comment by smeej | Hacker News Reader

In 2017, I finally--courageously, in my opinion at the time--decided not to subject myself to my dad at Christmastime and bailed on a trip to see family for Christmas.

Only a few days after Christmas, my sister, who was 8 months pregnant, died very suddenly and with no warning.

I missed my last chance to see her alive, and I wound up spending a month staying with my parents anyway immediately after that, trying to help them manage.

With the information I had when I made the decision, I still think it was the right one, and I'm reasonably sure I would make it again with the same amount of information.

But I'll always wish I had made it differently anyway.

I am so sorry. I hope you can take a lot of comfort that even with hindsight you feel that your decision was the best one that you could have made. I imagine your sister would have agreed and would have understood.

We never know the storms we are about to sail into.

For some reason this resonated very strongly with me. Especially the reasoning around decisionmaking, where you wish you'd made the "wrong" choice because the outcome would have been better due to factors you could not have known beforehand.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It might sound weird to say it just this way, but I had to forgive myself for not being there. My presence wouldn't have made any difference to the outcome (it's not like if I had been there she might not have died), but had I made a different choice, I would have had those last few days and those last few memories with her.

I honestly haven't forgiven my dad for my not being there, though, even though my choice was my own. Perhaps if he had changed at all since then, it would be easier to feel differently.

I've recently heard forgiveness defined as "letting go of all hope for a better past," though, and I might be able to get to forgiving him by that path, for my own sake, not for his.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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