Sounds like a classic existential philosophical question to me.
At some point in life we all end up asking ourselves "what is the meaning of life" and "who am I"?
In your particular situation I would look at the the "existential given" Meaning and Meaninglessness.
Are you Meaning Creating or Meaning Seeking?
There are 5 existential givens
1. Freedom, Responsibility and Agency
2. Death, Human Limitation and Finiteness
3. Isolation and Connectedness
4. Meaning vs Meaninglessness
5. Emotions, Experience and Embodiment
My own favourite existentialist philosophers are: Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean-Paul Sartre and Søren Kierkegaard.
My favourite existential psychotherapists are: Irvin Yalom, Emmy Van Deurzen and Rollo May.
Irvin D. Yalom "Love's Executioner & Other Tales of Psychotherapy" Basic Books (2012)
Rollo May, "Man's Search for Himself" W. W. Norton & Company (2009)
Professor Emmy van Deurzen, "Existential Counselling & Psychotherapy in Practice" Sage Publications Ltd (2002)