Comment by luxurytent | Hacker News Reader

Comment by luxurytent | Hacker News Reader

Parent of a young family with two kids (6, 2). We moved to a lower cost of living city because we simply couldn’t make it work back “home” where my parents were — and even then, they were an hour drive away within a suburb from our desired living location.

We’ve been afar two years now. It’s a short flight (2 hrs) and my parents live quite close to the airport, so we see them about four times a year.

This is still not enough but their plan is to move where we are once they can retire in 2 or so years.

What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support. Wife and I have had to really make an effort to build community with our neighbours, school parents, etc. In two years we have built a good foundation, which is a life saver! It really does take a village and I feel we’ve forgotten how to form that village. (The challenge was exacerbated due to COVID lockdowns)

Hardest days are long weekend holidays when all the neighbours and friends go visit family (nearby). It’s usually not worth for us to fly so we stay in the quiet city. Sometimes it’s great, other times it’s hard and I miss my family.

Either way, we just booked Christmas flights and we’ll be with them for two weeks. I’m looking forward to it.

> What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support.

My wife and I followed my parents to the low-COL city where they retired, and, while it's been nice to see them somewhat frequently, we were a little dismayed to discover that they kind of feel like they've "done their time" and don't take my son nearly as much as we'd like.

Maybe we just don't ask enough, I don't know.

My anecdotal experience from speaking with other young parents: this is way more common than I anticipated!

As someone whose kids are both (ages 27 and 23) finally out of the house in the last couple of years--but no grandkids yet--I totally get this. I've very much gotten used to having my own time FINALLY, being on my schedule, etc. My son and his fiancee have talked about moving back in with us for a year or two to save money, and the prospect does't sound that appealing to me at this point. I'm happy that our son thinks he's always welcome back, and he is, but it will be an imposition if they do it.

This isn’t directed at you specifically, but your comment about FINALLY having time back makes me think this is a generational consequence. If you had family and other support while raising your kids, you may not feel like this? Of course can’t paint a broad brush but something is broken in how western civilization does family.

Why did you decide to have kids?

How does it matter? That someone wanted to have kids doesn't mean that he want's them under the same roof till the end of his life. Especially with the grandkids. People should not be taking for granted that they can simply come back to their parents, or close to them and ask the to look after the kids. In the world where retirement age is increased more and more, people deserve also "me time". If grandparents really want it and ask for it, then great for both.

Writing this as parent, having small toddler, leaving abroad, far from both mine and wife's parents. It is harder without support, but manageable.

> How does it matter?

I was just curious. It seemed stantaylor was happy the kids were out of the house. I was wondering why they were in the house to begin with.

> people deserve also "me time"

Of course, to each their own. Not having kids is a good way to have a lot of "me time".

I think there is something about the boomer generation. This "I'm done" approach to grand parenting seems very widespread. A lot of friends have had the same realization that you describe.

I've resolved to be the opposite kind of grandparent. I really don't have a lot more I want to do later in life than spend time with the grandchildren I will hopefully have. I like my time alone and plan to travel extensively, but picking kids up from school, spending weekends with them 1-on-1, getting lost and doing interesting things are the magic of a childhood.

As a working parent we are burdened with so much other stuff it's hard to truly enjoy the simplicity of being around a child. I plan to shrug off all my other responsibilities and just enjoy it for what it is.

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