What has kept you going during a personal crisis?
I've been struggling immensely and I'm wondering what has helped you guys keep going in life when all hope is lost?
First is that sometimes event happens that just suck, and your life will suck until you can get away from that situation for a while e.g. a loved one dies, life sucks for a while. The only option is to embrace the situation and bear it with whatever grace you can muster.
Second is that a life that is stably worth living is one with multiple pillars of support. Mine are family, friends, hiking, reading, and my career. Because I have so many sources of joy and comfort, some of these can fall through (e.g. It's ok if I don't see friends for a few weeks) and life is still worth living. Learn to build and sustain these pillars in your life.
Third, in support of the second point, a life worth living requires a bare minimum of resources. Figure out what that is for you, figure out a plan that will give you that minimum, then execute.
Fourth, "a life worth living" may not always be happy, but might instead be "fulfilling". To the second and third points, setting yourself a goal and making concrete steps is something I and many others find fulfilling. Not realizing this till later in life is one of my bigger regrets.
Best of luck.
After another particularly awful day where I stayed home in bed, I decided to give the prescription he'd written me a shot. I felt it working by two weeks in. It was very noticeable. My mother passed away about two months after I started, and I often wonder how badly I would've handled that if I'd not been using this medication. My doc told me it works well for about 1/3 of the people who take it, works a little for another 1/3, and doesn't work at all for the remainder, who must then hop around to other drugs till they find one that sticks.
Lots of people are against medication, and I get that mindset. There's also evidence that comes out occasionally that says "SSRIs don't work" or something similar, and I don't really care -- there's no doubt in my mind that it's working _for me_. It's very night-and-day and I wish I'd had this from high school onward.
A few years ago, during my marijuana-addicted period and also during a stressful time when I had recently changed jobs and residences, I had my closest approach to suicide. I never actually attempted it, but I went as far as scoping out a train crossing where I imagined/hoped it could be done easily. That day while I was walking over to the train crossing, I had a realization, almost a brief moment of enlightenment. I observed that if my life was really so bad that I would rather end it, then I actually had complete freedom to do anything that would make my life better, even temporarily. I could quit my job, leave my wife, move to another country -- even just take all of my money out of the bank, go to Vegas, and spend it all on hookers and coke before going ahead and killing myself if I still wanted to.
Although I'm in much better shape now, the funny thing is I haven't even had to make use of this freedom. My life is basically the same as it was then -- same job, same house, same wife. But having this realization as a sort of metaphysical get-out-of-jail-free card in my back pocket somehow makes it easier to deal with the day-to-day struggles and disappointments.
Art in various forms has also kept me going. I wouldn't call myself a religious person, but classical music is for me the closest thing to a spiritual experience. That tends to be helpful in the depths of despair. Also, Philip K. Dick's book "A Scanner Darkly" made me reflect on my drug use and helped me to confront who I was and how I was with other people when I was using, which helped kick it (though I'm still kind of an alcoholic).
Each month becomes an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, and you have absolutely no control. You fill yourself with hope (this month is different, I can just feel it!), only to be absolutely crushed time and time again. You curse yourself. You curse the world. It's the worst place I've ever been in.
- We both faced the issue head-on and considered every option. Don't keep things in the dark just because the truth is scary. I know a couple who delayed seeking help because they were fearful they might be told they can't have kids. But now they're both 39, so IVF will be much more difficult.
- Taking time to reflect and keep my negative emotions in check. It's very easy to become bitter & resentful, and begin to hate others. For whatever reason exercise is my "reflection" time.
- Keeping busy with rewarding hobbies (learning guitar, woodworking, etc), so I had things to look forward to.
- Spending quality time with my wife that wasn't just about baby-making.
- Fostering relationships with family & friends. They can be an incredible support network, and the people who really matter will be there for you. But also make sure you're there for them. You're not the only one going through stuff.
And never, ever ask a childless couple when they're going to have kids.
2. Putting things in perspective. This may be in form of getting your priorities checked, identifying the right steps forward, and taking your babysteps in that path even if it sucks, even if you feel like shit, even if at times you can't do much, even if it feels like a plateau you can't get out of.
3. Being around people who are willing to listen to you. The right ones are the ones that are willing to listen to you but won't give you any unsolicited advice. It's tough to make life decisions too when you're emotional, sometimes you have to give it time to really digest where the fuck you are and where you're heading at. These may be your family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers. Express what you're going through, communicate it, tell the story about it, cry and laugh about it, embrace it.
4. Get some hookers and cocaine. Just kidding, feel free to let yourself unwind a bit BUT make sure you don't too far in a downward spiral of shitty life choices in making yourself feeling a little good. This includes eating shit food, not being physically active, not socializing, and even being dependent on drugs or whatever form of crutches. Please don't make those mistakes.
I now laugh at crazy success quips people put on their bios. "Everest climber, unicorn founder, field medalists, loves cats" kind of thing. Yeah not gonna do all that. Prefer dogs anyway.
Not sure what you situation is, but for example if someone has broken up with you, there is a good side to that. And that is you don't have control over them, which is good, as it generalizes as no one has control over you either.
There is a book called "The Now Habit" which is quite helpful.
All these things gave me the energy to get out of bed. I was a dead husk of a person, a total piece of shit, but eventually I got back up.
That, and a huge load of psychological introspection to figure pit why I had those feelings in the first place.
I can’t lie these worked out shockingly well, when I was younger, but I just don’t have the energy now nor do I have anyone/thing to motivate that anger.
(I never knew the name of it until recently, but it's called "The Stockade Paradox" https://bigthink.com/health/stockdale-paradox-confronting-re...
Then my daughter was born. I've realized how easy it is to have just 1 child (although it certainly didn't feel like with first only), and probably the reason why I don't have siblings. Its frequently overwhelming, 2 at the same time if only 1 parent is managing them. Since we don't have family around nor nanny so far its quite often. You hit the walls and limits of your mental fortitude repeatedly, sometimes way too often. 120% went to 240%, I mean days where I did handle both of them alone and they didn't die or end up horribly injured are one of those days I am and will be proud of. Its manageable till it isn't, and when it isn't its tough.
But I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Family is the most important item in life, I used to be introverted loner who could handle off time from humans very well (and still do, apart form my kids). Compared to things like salary, career or geeky stuff, all this is just pale meh low priority stuff compared to them.
This experience completely changed me, my priorities, goals in life, expectations. I understand how divorced dads wanting but unable to see their offsprings growing up are utterly hopelessly f**ed. Compared to all this, covid was just some less important item happening out there. Even though we got it at least 3 times, all via our kids from kindergarten.
A few things: find something short term to focus on; try and get that done. Something as simple as chores around the house. Or maybe a movie or book franchise you want to work your way through. Might be inane, but you need a bit of that.
Don't be afraid to be alone, and to face your thoughts and feelings. It's doesn't feel great, but it's a necessary part of the journey.
Don't put yourself under pressure to get back on your feet, and be social and productive immediately. Stick to the routine, but don't be hard on yourself if you're not doing your best.
Most importantly, for the long term, just try and remember that things change. Your crisis may feel overpowering and all encompassing now, but it WILL NOT last. All you need is time. You'll benefit from other things along the way--hobby, support, friendship, etc.--but you WILL need time, no matter what else you get, support-wise.
* Alan Watts (many talks in youtube). Dunno why but he has a soothing effect on me.
* A minor natural calming pill helps with the sleep. Sleep helps with everything.
* Some form of mild exercise.
* GETTING HELP if you're leaning in any way to self-harm.
* Someone to talk to.
* Giving myself time. As in "feck this. I'm giving myself time off".
* Get in the mentality that yourself is a buddy in need. Someone that you should help. Gives you some perspective.
* Stoicism (not my cup of tea but a friend swears by stoics).
* Mindfulness. No need to be a guru. Just realize to a minimal degree that you are not your thoughts. You are not even your feelings. I can argue you're not even the guy/gal that wakes up and does what you do. You're that weird something watching all these things from within. Again this will give you some perspective and distance.
* Realize that there is people out there dealing with much worse sh_t than whatever you're dealing. Watch out though. This line of thought is only useful to get you some perspective. Do not get too far with this as it is counterproductive.
* No matter how static your state seems right now one thing is for sure. It will change.*
This gives you a plan and the feeling that you are back into control, that you can fight back.
Hope is only about tomorrow, in the long term we are all dead.
I had a kid to look after (who was also suffering) who had to get up, go to school (most days he was able to -- the ritual helped). I had pets to feed, dog needed walks. I couldn't just lie in bed and justifiably feel miserable for myself. Friends would drag me out, inviting me to things. Kid had events that required showing up.
And slowly, and eventually, I recovered to some degree.
Without an external forcing function though I don't really understand how ppl in such situations don't just fade away. I have noticed some people replace grief with anger. I wonder if that's really better; I'd imagine it would be even more corrosive.
In one of his novels (SiaSL?) Heinlein had a character follow a doctrine of "I'll get over this eventually, so why not now?" That is absurd.
You can start by writing it on a sticky note and putting it on the bathroom mirror. Repeat the words “I am enough”
Make a list of things you wanna explore and do some of them. Go for a hike, learn to play/sing a song, go for a bike ride, find a nice place to setup a hammock, learn 3 clean jokes, reach out to an old friend, have some champagne cause you’re alive.
For me, food and exercise play a big role in how I feel. But also doing things for myself that I enjoy.
Give yourself some grace.
First. Vitriol and knowing "one day this too will pass" - even if that is my death.
Why the fuck should I lie down and simply take this life crap? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldBhDmvWFXE
Even if someone else (or other anthropomorphic force, like cancer, death etc) is going to win, that doesn't mean I have to make it fucking easy for them!
After a while ... once you accept things are what they are ... it gets easier.
And one day ... maybe a while away ... you have joy.
It exists. And you deserve it as much as anyone.
I discovered that sleeping with earphones that are playing old familiar TV shows (rather than falling asleep on the couch watching TV) allowed my mind to wander into a comfort zone that allowed sleep to occur uninterrupted.
The fact that my family, my kid needs me helps immensely to the point where you simply have no time to suffer from personal issues.
You might try reading "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. I have found it helpful in the past.
Prayer. As a Catholic, I frequently pray the rosary and often remind myself of "thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven".
Focus on a few things you can control. Work on them every day. Find others who can help you. Sometimes the best way to find them is to help someone else. It not only takes your mind off your own problems, but good friendships can form when several people need each other and can offer some help and support to the others. That is one of the reasons that groups like AA can succeed.
For millions who suffer from deep sadness and despair, “EXIT” points to a better way. This compelling movie shines a powerful light in the darkness and offers true hope to those who think they have none.
Even when it feels like your life is spiraling out of control, you still have control over those few activities you value.
For example, every day I run and spend about an hour learning spanish.
This too shall pass. Good luck my friend.
Also other things that have been helpful to deal with particular situations, like REBT (Albert Ellis) or the empty chair exercises from Gestalt. But none of that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post.
I also have an inbuilt system where I just stop doing things when the bucket is full. It renders me temporarily unreliable but it’s a reliable way of shedding unnecessary load.
I used to be a pilot. It was all I wanted to do since I was a kid. I learned to fly in highschool by working a shitty job and washing planes, and flew for a living for 14 years after graduating. I went to college while flying full time, got married, started a family, and at about 10 years into the career, I got sick. It messed up my eye and doctors couldn't figure out what happened, but I got a waiver, and went back to flying with one eye for nearly 2 years before getting sick again - this time it took out my other eye, and it was clinically evident what had happened.
I had MS. For nearly a month I couldn't read. I couldn't see my kids faces, and every day was this reminder all the time of disability and a broken and vacant future. I was depressed while undergoing treatment, and lonely because covid about a year into rewriting society and now my immune system was all weird. I was constantly worried about dying from the medication I was taking - which is still a risk, but not something I can do anything about. Just in general, I was a damn sight different than a couple years previously. Then I was a steely-eyed missile man, not afraid of anything, etc. - after I got sick I couldn't even drive to the grocery store.
Anyway, one of the realizations I had throughout all this was, well, frankly, that life is short, and all the things you enjoy are but fleeting blips, and one day, you'll do those things you enjoy for the last time. So enjoy them now. That's it. Enjoy what is happening now, because you may not get it for very long - these (right now) are the "good old days." So have fun with them. Enjoy your work, your life, your loved ones, forgive people, and don't take anything too seriously - because you know what? It's all going to be gone in a few years.
There's a great book by a guy named Viktor Frenkl about how he managed to find meaning while living through great suffering and despair in a concentration camp. If he can find the strength to bear that with dignity, then I can bear this with dignity. Really, even though the "meaning" I had from my life was "gone" (it wasn't really, but it sure felt like it) - I could derive meaning from the act of resistance - from the way that you handle the situation. Sometimes your only "purpose" in life (if there can be said to be any purpose at all) is to "bear it." Ultimately, the last little bit of meaning that I can wring out of this life is that I will fight until the end.
The struggle is what's important. Even though it sucks, I want to get better, I want to enjoy myself, and make the world a better place when I'm done. Sure it sucks for me, but I'm going to get better or die trying. I'm going to be better than I was before - and although I can't do what I used to, I'm going to do more. The struggle provides it's own meaning. I won't say I'm not afraid, and it's not hard, but I will keep struggling, because the struggle itself provides meaning. I carry on and keep fighting because it's worth doing.
I'm going back to school now, getting a masters in computer vision (ironic I know) because I want to fight. It's hard, and stressful some times - but the hell with it, I'm going to fight until the bitter end. Even when everything else feels bleak - the struggle itself can grant some meaning. Choosing how you handle those problems - even if it kills you - is something that you have agency over.
This isn't some "toughen up buttercup" BS or whatever - I cry all the time, and I'm embarrassed of myself when I can't do the things I used to. It's not any less challenging, and it's none of that stoic shit either - no, cry loudly, complain and whine - there's only virtue in stoicism if you think someone else cares. Instead, I carry on and keep fighting because with my dying breath I want to tell the universe "screw you, I kept fighting." That's the example I can set for my kids - but it's more than that - those are the kind of people I want in this world. The ones who don't give up, so, dammit, I'm going to be one of them.
I believe in you. It'll be alright. Keep fighting, even when you're losing sometimes the fighting can give you meaning and give you a reason to keep on going.
Since then I've become paranoid that meme-complexes are independent, malevolent agents.
Focusing on myself and what I can control. Focusing on improving my physical wellness, in whatever ways I can---we are more than our minds. Focusing on being a good friend to myself---not beating myself down with self-criticism.
I've also found great help in a support group---for me it's been Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" (even though I don't really believe in God), developing greater love for myself, and all that. Realizing that whatever I'm struggling with, I'm not alone.
The observation that, given time, things can get better.
The observation that getting involved in any positive endeavor, whether my own work, or collaborations with others, helps me feel better about life. That working toward any worthwhile goal, no matter how small, be it as simple as cleaning my own counter, can put fresh wind in my sails.
The observation that people grow, and change, that it takes all kinds, that feelings of overwhelming crisis are important feelings, but not facts. That people have bounced back from terrible life disasters, and gone on to do amazing things. That everybody, even those we most admire, has an "annus horribilis" or two.
Tackling my despairing thoughts using techniques of cognitive behavior therapy. Realizing that even if I can't prove that everything will be okay, it is far, far better to live with the hope that overall, things will work out. Letting myself believe that I am a good enough person. Letting the pursuit of perfection drive me, but not letting it drive me into the ground.
Establishing positive routines.
Learning more about other people and how they've faced life---perhaps I can change my approach?
Reading less news; refusing to doomscroll. Reading things of substance instead. Allowing myself to establish a psychological boundary between the real horrors that happen in a world of 7 billion people, and my own life and the lives of the people I'm close to. EDIT: I actually explicitly limit my news consumption to a finite amount of time each week, using the LeechBlock browser extension. And yes, that includes Hacker News!
Getting a pet.
Meditating.
Writing poetry, essays, and stories.
Eating the occasional hot pastrami sandwich.
Whatever you are going through, things can get better.
Human beings are incredibly adaptable creatures. It just takes time, and experience.
These are just some things I have found helpful; there's a whole world of other approaches out there. Who knows what you don't know right now, but will one day learn?
Wishing you the best.
- Friends/good-willing people
- Stoicism
Just think of all the people who have survived worse and lived to enjoy life later - POWs, prisoners, holocaust/gulag survivors, etc.
Others might derive drive from knowing someone depends on them, or will.
Some of us endure jobs we hate and more just because. What else would we do? This might be as good as it gets, and that's OK.