Ask HN: Do you live close to your family? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Do you live close to your family?

13 pointsaprdm21 comments

Have you moved to work abroad? Do you live close to your family / visit them often? How do you feel about being far from your loved ones?

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I live in Japan while my parents and sister live in Brazil. I think in terms of distance, it is the worst case you can get. My father in law is from here, but my mother in law lives in China. This also adds to the complexity. It is hard to go visit, tickets are twice as expensive as they were before Covid, thus only longer vacation periods make sense. You can always talk with your family through phone or video calls, but the time zone differences can get in the way of when you can do it. You can still hear what is going on with their lives and be part of it, although you will go more distant, communication is not the issue. The real problem is when people die or get sick, you cannot be there fast enough, you cannot properly support them, and they can get suddenly really busy and you don't even hear from them when the thing you most desire is to be there. You will feel responsible and blame yourself. So in order to live with that, you must have something important going on, beyond a better job with a bigger salary. It must be aligning with your own personal dreams and development, and you will only feel at home if you create some new roots.

I'm 30 and I moved back home because of covid, wanting to save money. Still am living at home... I should probably move out. Saving a ton though.

Define close... No my family and my wife's are not really that close to us, about a 4 hour drive away. But we manage to see them a few times a year. My wife moved down (to the lower mainland of BC) for work. But since I am remote only we are contemplating a move back up north to where her parents are. Real estate is a bit cheaper up there too so that's a benefit too.

4 hours counts as close, in the grand scheme of things. I live a 20 hour flight away, which is also around $2000 round trip.

I moved away for 10 years when I was a young man. Now I live approximately 45 miles from my mother, but I haven’t seen or spoken to her in almost 7 years and it’s likely I never will again. And I am perfectly fine with that.

My wife’s family is amazing and we see her mother a few times per week. We’re going to visit her uncle this weekend.

why haven’t you spoken to her and was the reason you moved away for 10 years the same reason?

I moved away to pursue work and glean a new perspective by meeting people from different cultures and backgrounds than myself.

My mother isn’t an easy person to get along with and she’s made no effort to improve. Lately she’s become too obsessed with the FoxNews/GOP stuff. Although we haven’t spoken to her, she still sends my wife unsolicited texts and emails containing fairly bigoted, hateful, and just plain dishonest things.

My family and I are much better off without her involved.

It's frustrating and I am sorry it is someone as close as your mother, but I don't think you can talk sense into someone who has replaced their entire persona with hatred.

I had to distance myself from one of my best friends. He began doing similar things and despite our friend group making it clear he should stop, he continues to send politically charged and racist materials, this despite him being an immigrant and sending his texts to a group of exclusively first and second generation Americans.

You’re correct. There is no changing her. I knew she was racist while I was growing up, but now she has been emboldened by the current political climate.

Looking back at the things she said while I was a child, I feel horrible for all of the minorities that had encounters with her while she spent her career as a law enforcement officer. There is no possible way she treated them fairly.

sorry to hear this and thanks for sharing. my mother repeatedly sabotaged and discouraged my projects in life, and would blame anything that went wrong in my career on me. she knew i wanted a company of my own and so when i dropped out of a phd program to finally do it she gave me a little cash to get started but not enough to be able to get anywhere. that has been a recurring situation. don’t say no and help, but then do not offer any encouragement and do just enough so you can’t be blamed. eventually i was able to bootstrap and when we were at a crtitical scaling point and needed support to get to the next level i had to deal with endless shouting and arguing and mental manipulation to the point i made a bad decision and it went under. i still carry the PTSD from that to this day. i have since rebooted the company but everything has changed and it’s been an uphill battle since… i had to move halfway a across the world to distance myself and try to rebuild my career and company. to this day she tries to control me and uses money to do so. i made the mistake of relying too much on my parents financially which further complicates all of this. i wish there were more mental health and support systems specifically for startup founders.

We bought our retirement home about eight years ago and a couple of years later, moved my mother-in-law and my mother down. MIL was not happy we made her leave her house and friends but she was getting older and had more problems and we needed to be there for her more. My mother was much more understanding but it was a common topic of conversation in my family.

Maybe 11 years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I made the six-hour trip once a month until it was clear that the end was near and then I stayed with my mom and dad and then just mom for several months. I'm glad I was only six hours away but it's also far enough to miss important things and to not be there to support family as they need to be.

I'm glad we made the decision to move the moms. Them getting old and needy is hard enough without distance and trying to figure out what the hell is going on!

I'm a 3 hr plane ride from my parents. I have a sibling who lives in my city too but I see them only once every few months or so.

I have a largeish family so I've always felt more comfortable away from family because it allows me to redefine myself without so much baggage from the past.

I live over 10,000 miles away! It feels strange. Get mildly panicky sometimes about that, a bit like Ford Prefect I guess. I visit hardly ever, it is an expensive trip esp. for a family, and then covid made it harder. I intend to go soon, and more often.

I live about 30 minutes away (by car) from my parents and see them often. We all live in the same city.

When I started working from home during the pandemic I contemplated a move away to a different, more distant location. But I have stayed put because my parents are frail and not in the best of health. So being close nearby to my parents is important to me.

35-40 minutes, perfect distance. Not too far to meet up for a meal, but too far for drop-ins.

Yes. I live in the same house(technically it’s a different house because different house nr). My parents are great. Some people think I am weird for buying an apartment 5min away from my parents. I am 31, single.

I am an only and my parents passed away a while ago but I live about 50 minutes from my in-laws. When I got home from work today my sister-in-law was here, so I see them a lot.

My parents and siblings are downstairs. I live in the attic. Bought a house 3 years ago and we all moved in together.

Even though I see my parents everyday, I still notice them aging rapidly.

Live 2 hours by plane away; with text/voice/video chat, it works fine. Don’t visit often as no one really sees the need as we talk daily (usually WhatsApp) anyway.

My mother in law lives next door, but my mother lives 4500 miles away from me. It was fine until I had a kid, now I wish my mom lived nearby too.

I'm 41, originally from Hungary. I live 5,000 km / 5 hr flight away from my parents in Dubai, and only see them a couple times per year.

This is great because they're toxic.

When I do meet them, often I (or we, if my wife is there) end up leaving after 30 minutes because they start their right-wing, xenophobic, hateful rhetoric and/or just start being mean.

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