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Comment by supertofu | Hacker News Reader

You need parental leave. Not only for your mental health, but so you can support mama and baby. You should not be thinking about work AT ALL for the first 90 days of baby's life.

Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and finances.

Thinking about caring for your new infant and partner's perinatal health are enough work already, and are far more important right now than your job anxieties.

The only solution for you right now is to understand your priorities. At the moment, the only thing that really and truly matters is your wife/partner's health and your baby. Focus on those for the first month.

After that, focus on the job.

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Isn't it inefficient for both mom & dad to take their parental leave at the same time? Wouldn't it be better to alternate like 8 months + 2/4 months so that atleast one person is available for basically a full year? Rather than both having to go back to work in 6 months.

Carrying a baby and giving birth is a physical and emotional trainwreck. A C-section involves literally cutting you open. If you're lucky enough to have a vaginal birth you're still going to have a tear or -- if your ob is still in the stone age -- an episiotomy. And there's a whole roller coaster ride of hormones and pressure to do everything perfect or you'll ruin your child for life.

The partner who didn't give birth is there to take care of two mostly helpless human beings, one who just came into to the world and one who needs rest and TLC so they can rejoin the world quickly.

This is the most HN comment of all time. Sigh.

We're talking about human beings. Efficiency is not part of the equation. The perinatal period is the most physically (and very often mentally as well) dangerous period in a woman's life. Women to this day die from complications in childbirth.

The first six months after birth are incredibly difficult on a woman's body and mind. Women NEED their partners' help at this time, efficiency be damned.

>> At the moment, the only thing that really and truly matters is your wife/partner's health and your baby.

Maybe it’s just the phrasing of this and it’s intended differently, but it seems like terrible advice. You should never put your own mental health last. If you’re in a hole you’re not going to be able to help anyone else. If OP has just found out they’re having a baby they likely have some time. If they use that time to focus on themselves and get themselves in a better position they can be in a much better mental state to help when the baby actually arrives. The statement I quoted reads like the OP doesn’t matter and he should accept that. But maybe I’m not understanding your intention fully.

My intention was to convey that OP needs to prioritize his baby and partner over worrying about his job/job performance.

His post expresses a great deal of anxiety over his financial circumstances and job performance -- which are valid, and, importantly, are problems that can be solved later. My intention was to convey that fretting about finding a new job or improving current job performance are NOT where OP's energy should be going right now, even if it seems on the surface like a new job will solve all of his problems.

OP should focus that mental energy on:

a) getting parental leave so that he can b) improve his mental health and c) support his partner and his new baby.

Good luck, OP! Just remember that you are not the only person who has ever become a new Dad, and you are going to get through this! I'm wishing you all the best for your family!

Well put. Take advantage of parental leave as much as you can. Once you’re about a month or two in and are able to “breathe” a bit more, you can think about looking for a new job.

Agree with this one 100%. Don't listen to the "bootstraps" and antis in the thread.

Definitely agree with this - in 2022 this just seems humane more than anything.

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