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Comment by mikrl | Hacker News Reader

I helped a lady in the park while her friend was having a medical emergency and she gave me some crafts to say thanks. Mostly just being nice, I bought some more of her stuff ($20 here or there) and spent some time chatting.

Thinking of bumping her to coffee acquaintance bc I think she feels obligated to bring her wares when I agree to meet up.

I’m way more educated, have a better job, 10y younger, more worldly and more successful. She’s never going to be anything more than a platonic person I know in my small town. Many of you would assume she’s ‘sketchy’ and I’d put money on that assertion.

However it’s nice to chat with someone unlike me. I’m always frustrated with sprint stuff, broken systems, and the crap you deal with on cutting edge of AI.

She likes crafting, turtles and her grown kids. I offer her encouragement in her small business and give her ideas to improve it. Probably the most wholesome acquaintance I’ve had in years.

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You’re still thinking of the relationship in transitional terms and looking down on her (re-read above). That said, good for you for branching out! Men often tend to think of relationships as transactional - attaching to someone with higher status to raise your own, or receiving something of value in return. Women may also appreciate some transactional relationships but more importantly tend to build supportive networks (where a value is just being heard when you need to vent or struggle with a problem, and when you proactively help others, regardless of stature, so you and others don’t fall through the cracks, especially the kids.) Men often rely on their spouse or other women for that kind of a relationship (being able to vent and feel vulnerable).

All relationships are transactional, whether it is explicit or implicit. Your comments are just describing different types of transactions. Your gender splits here are not helpful.

The main split that I see over and over again is that men are much less likely to accept you into their group, but much less likely to reject you once you're in (they are tribal). Women are fast to make acquaintances and have larger (mostly healthier) social circles, but are less loosely tied to groups.

I don’t look down on her, she’s pretty cool IMO and it isn’t a chore/charity to see her. I don’t have a small business or kids so I’m beaten there.

My achievements etc are more to highlight the fact that it’s not and shouldn’t be weird for us to be friends, in this age of hyperoptimizing relationships for personal gain, though I see how it can come off.

I’m also someone who posts on HN, so I kinda have to set the scene for why I’m here. Obviously if I was the local shopkeeper this whole story would be much more mundane.

I think it's wonderful you found someone you enjoy talking to in your area. Not sure if it was your intention but it sounds like you look down on her a bit because she doesn't have your achievements. I would just say, stay humble. Because no matter who you meet, there's always someone who knows something you don't.

I don’t look down on her, she’s pretty cool IMO and it isn’t a chore/charity to see her.

Really, we are cut of the same cloth, just my life went way easier and I was fortunate enough to get to where I am without falling through the cracks. I only judge people on their actions as I perceive them, not who they happen to be.

This is a good take, but to me the way you phrased it definitely made it seem like you though less of her; like she was an interesting peasant that someone of noble stature like yourself deigned to interact with.

I thought you were an asshole while reading through, then when I got to the end I was just confused.

"Success" is a loaded term; it can mean wildly different things to different people. I assume you meant financial success in particular.

> "Success" is a loaded term; it can mean wildly different things to different people.

This is so true that in the absence of qualifiers, I consider "success" to be a meaningless buzzword.

> an interesting peasant that someone of noble stature like yourself deigned to interact with

There are enough people on this site, online and IRL that honestly, unironically and proudly think like this. It really gets to me.

So yea, forgive me for flexing a little to show “I’m one of you” but it’s not the small town folks I want to feel superior to, it’s people who would have just passed her by when she was in trouble. I was apparently the 5th person to pass and the only one to ask if she was OK.

But yea, I’m not really good at expressing myself tbh so I can appreciate that without knowing me I prob seemed like an ass.

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