Tell HN: Unhappy and I don't know what to do. | Hacker News Reader

Tell HN: Unhappy and I don't know what to do.

7 points321throwaway15 comments

I'm unhappy and have been unhappy for years. Pressure landed me in a field I have absolutely no interest in. I'm far into further education, have many more years to go and will be in tons of debt soon. Dreams of being a hacker, working in the valley at a young age with relatively few responsibilities are quickly vanishing. I see Facebook pages of high school friends who are living the life I wished to live. Regret settles in, optimism is brushed aside by reality, and I realize there's really no feasible way out. I've sought to find the "brighter" side of this, but there really isn't one. I'm deep in a hole, absolutely unhappy with the path I'm on, and jumping ship would put me in a worse situation. What's frightening is that suicide has been a thought I've always jokingly entertained, but as time goes on, I find myself lending the idea more validity. I don't know what to do.

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First and foremost, suicide is not the answer. The number for the suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255 and you should either talk with them or someone you know that is truly looking out for your best interest (this might be exclude a friend a family member sadly).

Second, this is just my advice that has brought me a lot of happiness. And I have no idea if this works for other people. But as time has gone on, I have learned to do things that make me happy. Which is often goes against conventional wisdom. A good example, I bought tickets to a movie one night with a friend. We went out to dinner with other friends before hand. We were having such a good time, we just skipped the movie even though we had both already paid 10 dollars for tickets. I scaled this idea to high profile decisions in my life. Like leaving a job everyone thought I was foolish to leave because of the money, etc.. Its your life, you have limited time to live it. You have to make decisions right now to make you happy. If you don't like getting your degree, just stop doing it and do something else.

1. Disable your Facebook account. ASAP.

2. Stop comparing yourself to other people, especially your high school friends. They also have problems, probably just as unhappy as you, and dislike the smell of their farts. To conclude their level of accomplishment based on their wall posts is never going to work for your self-esteem.

3. I don't condone suicide, but a death wish helps put things into perspective.

4. What do you REALLY WANT in life? How do you get there? Imagine getting there (through meditation, writing, whatever), are you really going to be genuinely happy?

5. When you find out what you want, plan your way of getting there. Spoiler: it's not going to be easy, may not be fun at all, but if you are entertaining suicide at this point it would definitely be worthwhile.

6. Next time you go out, stop to smell the flowers.

I was in a similar situation:

I was almost 26, in law school. wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but I knew being a lawyer wasn't it, I went to law school out of panic and pressure. I panicked when I realized I didn't want to work in finance after undergrad and felt pressure to please my family. I was envious of my friends that seemed to have it all figured out, depressed and piling up student debt. I thought there was no way out. Then I had an epiphany- what's the point of being pressured to do something that you don't want to do? Why chase potential status or money when this is a sure-fire way of waking up at 35 and being miserable with what you do? Most of us are smart enough to be able to succeed as long as what we're doing makes us happy. I decided to figure out what makes me happy- what do I enjoy doing in my spare time, what interests me? For me, it was a mix of business and technology. I found a conversion tech degree program, dropped out of law school (finally manned up and confronted my parents that I was responsible for my life), completed a MS program in about than 1.5 years (I did it in the UK) and never looked back. Flash forward 3 years from my dark days in law school- I'm in a rewarding job that I love, I'm happily married (I met my wife through a friend that I met in the MS program) and loving life.

Takeaways for you: 1. if you're not happy with what you're doing, stop, I know it is scary, but believe me, the rewards are worth it. You don't have to completely drop out of your program, you can take a year off (most schools offer that option) and spend that year figuring out what makes you happy and pursuing that goal!

2. don't be pressured into unhappiness- if it is your parents, confront them. Yes, it is difficult, the convo I had with my parents was one of the most difficult things I have ever done up to that point- but you have to live for yourself, not for anyone else. Confront the pressure.

3. My education (mis)adventures left me with about $100-105K of student debt. That is a scary number, but is manageable. Make sure your debt has a fixed interest rate, you can apply for income based repayment plan which will give you plenty of breathing room.

I don't know what to say other than that it never seems like it will get better when you're in a funk, but nothing could be further from the truth.

If you want someone to talk to, please call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline).

Been there. I feel for you. What helped me was this. Be single-minded, think about nothing else. Get a pair of running shoes and go running somewhere, preferably nice (a park, a trail). Start very slow, only aim for 10 minutes of more of a jog than a run at first. Slowly increase. Every single day, no matter what, its your top priority.

Its supposed to hurt and be uncomfortable and that is to get your mind off your current programming. Exercise has been shown over and over to be equivalent to anti-depressants.

As you increase, push a little. It should always be just this side of uncomfortable. At some point, for me at least, and others that have shared the same experience, something just "gives." It may be very emotional, it may be just a huge weight lifted, it may be subtle. For me just breaking down sobbing on the trail was not uncommon.

Once you can break down your current programming, you are free to rebuild as you see fit. Try to not compare to others, just think about baby steps you can take to get to where "you" want to be. Good luck and you're not alone.

You mentioned pressure pushing you into your current field. Is this from family, peers, yourself?

Perhaps taking a short break away from this influence would allow you to assess the long list of options you have without clouded judgement.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. What would it cost long term to put your education on hold for a year? Or a summer, or 54 hours while you participate in a Startup Weekend. How does that cost compare if you stay in education for the next x number of years.

If you're fuelled with passion for your new ventures you're not making a transition into the unknown.

If you jump into something new without testing it, it might not be what you expect.

For a serious life decision, you need to have all the facts to hand, try and remove all the risks you can envision while still making the change you want.

If you do want to talk, I'm my username on gmail.

Please don't go down that route, my brother committed suicide about a year ago and its wrong on so many levels, surely there is at least one person that would be devastated and it would adversely affect their life for a long time, if not for the rest of theirs. As far as getting into programming, its not as hard as you make it out to be, I don't have a degree in computer science or anything but was able to break into the field, it just takes an interest and work studying / working on projects. I'd be happy to exchange emails / talk sometime if it can help

It's good that you're reaching out for help, but what you need is advice from a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist, not random hackers.

Go get some help. I wish you luck.

Therapy will just try to get me to settle with where I am, and I'm certain it won't work. I've thought about going for some time, but hearing of experiences my sibling and friends have had, it doesn't seem worth it. Thanks, though.

Therapy isn't necessarily aimed at getting you to settle with where you are. It's aimed at making you happier, and that may very well require making changes.

If you feel like you're drifting towards suicide, therapy is really the best idea.

CBT is definitely not about getting you to settle. Seriously. I've been there. Go.

Hey, I am not a programmer (yet), but I do know exactly how you feel (in terms of feelings of failure, contemplating suicide etc.) I like to help people so send me an email (in my account) with a throwaway email address if you would like. I think I can help you out.

I can empathize.

Looking back at this period, you might have wished you got a life / career coach to help you regain your control and happiness.

After all, that is the meaning of life, to do what you love.

I'm unhappy and have been unhappy for years.

It sounds like you want to be happy, so you made this post. That's a good step.

Pressure landed me in a field I have absolutely no interest in.

You did <a>, <b>, and <c> to get where you are now, <d>. There's nothing you can do about <a>, <b>, or <c>, so forget about them. There's a lot you can do about <d>, and it sounds like you want to. Good.

I'm far into further education, have many more years to go and will be in tons of debt soon.

You can change course at any time, regardless of how you got here. That may (or may not) be the right thing to do.

Dreams of being a hacker, working in the valley at a young age with relatively few responsibilities are quickly vanishing.

I don't know a nice way to say this, so I'll just say it: So what? I have been a hacker for many years and have never worked in the valley. Most great hackers I've ever known have never been there either. And you'd be surprised how old they were when they really got into it (a lot older than anyone who follows popular opinion would believe). There are many paths to happiness in hacking and there's no age limit, believe me. Forget about what has happened to get you to this point and focus on where you are and where you want to be from there. If you look back, you'll find a way to be miserable. If you look ahead (and do something about it), you may be surprised how attainable the wonderful life you want still is.

I see Facebook pages of high school friends who are living the life I wished to live.

Never compare yourself to others. Ever. There will alway be someone "better" and someone "worse". Know what it means? Nothing. So don't waste one more nanosecond of brain time thinking about it. OK?

Regret settles in, optimism is brushed aside by reality, and I realize there's really no feasible way out.

You believe, not realize, that there's no feasible way out. There's a huge difference between belief and realization. You're confusing the two and must stop doing that. You need to find a way to believe these's a feasible way out. Once you make that leap, all things will once again become possible. I don't know what it will take for you to get that belief, that's a task at hand for you to complete. Find help with that task if you need it.

I've sought to find the "brighter" side of this, but there really isn't one.

Then maybe it's time to stop "seeking brightness" and start putting together an actionable plan to get where you want to be. Again, I don't know what that plan would be in your case, but resources are available all over to help you get started.

I'm deep in a hole, absolutely unhappy with the path I'm on, and jumping ship would put me in a worse situation.

"Changing Course" != "Jumping Ship". Again, it may (or may not) be best for you. Don't decide prematurely whether or not a changing course is wrong.

What's frightening is that suicide has been a thought I've always jokingly entertained, but as time goes on, I find myself lending the idea more validity. I don't know what to do.

Speaking up, even with a throwaway account, was a good first step. It proves how much you really care about yourself. Listen to some of the advice here and take advantage of other resources at your disposable. You are not alone. And you certain not the first (by a long shot) to be going through this. Keep speaking up until you find the help you need. If you want to talk me email me. See my profile.

Thanks for speaking up. Keep at it. And best wishes. We really do care.

1) Pick up "What color is your parachute?" Do some of the exercises. Contemplate if there might be a shorter path out of your mess than the one you are currently on. Look for other appropriate resources that might help you get there from here faster. Maybe contemplate where exactly there is, which might not be what you think it is now.

2) Do some volunteer work. Preferably pick an area where you can identify with the people being helped in a "there but for the grace of god go I" manner. Perspective can be a wonderful thing.

3) Stop and "count your blessings" and find some pleasant things to do (aka "stop and smell the roses"). In other words, do a little living now, grab a little gusto *now", and stop waiting for some future date to "be happy".

4) Change your people, places and things. This is a paradigm from drug rehab circles. I've never been a drug addict but did much the same in the process of overcoming some serious personal challenges.

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