Ask HN: Frustrated after moving out, need advice | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Frustrated after moving out, need advice

1 pointterminalcommand6 comments

Hello fellow HNers,

I have a personal question to ask.

After planning for a couple of years, I moved out of my parent's place in March. I quickly realized how hard it was to live alone. I miss my old life a lot, my parents also miss me.

I don't like spending time and energy on house chores, I hardly have any energy for my hobbies. Plus I have a lot of expenses.

I want to move back, my parents also want me to move back.

Before I moved out, I thought living with parents held me back. I wanted to cook, have room for my stuff, invite friends over etc. I did all of these things. Things weren't perfect as I imagined. There was also a lot of peer pressure before I moved out and I had my first real GF so I needed privacy. Consequently I moved out, but I immediately regretted it.

I now might have an opportunity to get an old flat from a relative for relatively very cheap rent. The relative says that she planned on giving me the flat anyways and was surprised that I moved out (I am 26). Her long time tenant is moving out and the place will be empty soon. My parents tell me to get the flat move my stuff in and use the flat when I need privacy. I plan on living with my parents during the work week (I work remotely from home) and stay at my relative's flat on Friday/Saturday. I have a GF so I could really use the privacy. Plus I have a lot of musical instruments, computing hardware etc. that I cannot fit into my old room.

What would be your advice? Would it be too luxurious to rent a flat where I stay a couple of days? The rent would be 1/2 the rate I am paying now it would amount to 1/12 of my monthly net salary.

If I get the flat I plan on living like this for at least 3-4 years or more until I get married. I do not want to move out on my own again.

(I'm assuming that you're from a western culture, and I note that your profile says that you're a "corporate lawyer".)

You seem to be saying that living independently is expensive, involves chores that you find less rewarding than your hobbies, and (reading between the lines) you don't enjoy being on your own. But all that will be different when you're married.

As someone who is twice your age, let me just say with what i hope you'll perceive as kindness: this is life as an adult. At 26 you ahould get used to it, and find a way to flourish as an independent adult.

Your parents will miss you. That's normal. But as a parent myself, I have to tell you that they should know that they don't get to keep you. Their job at this point is to kindly and supportively push you out of the nest. And your job is to fly off and do things with your life. And come back to visit them sometimes, when you can.

One last thing: you maybe need to watch the "when I get married" thing. Sustaining a relationship with a person that you live with is way harder than living on your own. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. Don't load unreasonable expectations onto your future partner.

Good luck.

Hello,

Thank you very much. You're right I should find a way to flourish as an adult. But it's hard. I thought after getting married I'd split the chores I wouldn't feel lonely but it could be even harder that's true.

I live in Turkey, it's in the middle of eastern/western cultures. High earning people want to move out quickly as westeners do, middle/low class people usually don't move out until they get married. My parents live in a family apartment. My grandparents, aunts etc. live in separate flats but in the same apartment. I'd very much like a similar arrangement :).

Turkey is also experiencing a super high inflation right now around 80% p.a. per the official numbers. Housing prices have risen more than 140% during the last year and more than 100% the year before that. So I also have financial worries about the future.

Maybe it would be better if I can get the cheaper family flat. I would feel more secure knowing that no one would evict me or raise my rent. I will also be able to save more.

Thank you again for your comments. I gained some clarity, I will continue to try adapting to living alone.

I wish you well

Mentally, no, you aren't competent or mature enough to live on your own.

Others turn 21 and buy a house. It's all about how you face challenges and your mindset when you have total control.

There's no "total control" of anything in life. Not even close.

> Others turn 21 and buy a house.

A vanishingly small number of "others", no matter the country or culture, can buy a house at 21 years of age. And even less, if you're talking of actually outright buying, and not getting a decades long mortgage.

Move out into a share house with other people unlike yourself and stick it out for 2 years.

You will learn a lot of stuff that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

Visit and honour your parents regularly, but don’t live with them.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com