Hacker News Reader

>And dating apps remove all ambiguity. [...] It is clear from the beginning that you are both there looking for something.

This is precisely what I find appealing. Maybe I'm just socially deficient, but I find it stressful to navigate the ambiguity of real life encounters. Especially in todays climate where unsolicited advances can get you in trouble.

> I can't flirt "on cue"

I prefer to avoid flirting. In my experience, flirting can be done with anybody, I could even flirt with a male person. The person is interchangeable in flirting. Being curious about the person and shared interests and especially the shared view on relationships is for me a good way to start a conversation.

People seem to equate flirting with some weird things. I guess most of us did in middle school.

But now I do flirt with people I want to befriend as well as date. Lots of eye contact and smiling. Quick gentle touches on the shoulder to emphasize a point or accompany laughter. Extra acknowledgement of their points, ideas, viewpoints. Light, pleasant teasing ("Look at you, stunning everyone with your outfit, Okay, I see you over there").

Gotta be willing to try on new personas and interpersonal behaviors. Maybe take an improv class.

> Maybe you'd have some "neutral" social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function? But maybe I'm biased because that's how online dating looked like in my early 20s?

There is. It’s instagram, and “sliding into” a stranger’s DMs is how you walk across the room and say hi to someone you’re attracted to.

The majority of women still do not use dating apps (thankfully) and of those who do use the app a lot give it a quick try, or use it to validate their appeal, rather than with the intent of actually dating.

So although dating cultures have changed, people really overestimate the effect of dating apps.

> Maybe you'd have some "neutral" social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function?

That’s basically what Instagram is.

But I’ve used the dating apps, and I really don’t understand what the issue is with them. They’re a great way to meet people.

A good friend got happily married (three years already, or more?) over a dating app, so it can work.

The article mention 10% of the users got into a serious relationship. It's quite a low success rate considering the hugeee amount of dates taking place.

I would bet that is close to the amount of women on the app who are actually serious about dating rather than using it to judge their appeal or to get lots of attention and free dates with men.

10% is pretty high if it's really true. Not everyone is there for good reasons anyway. It's still not 0%.

I met my wife over OkCupid. I have generally been successful with dating apps (about 20~25 dates over 2 years), but I agree the experience is toxic & mostly sucks