Ask HN: How to politely decline requests to meet? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How to politely decline requests to meet?

28 pointsnicbou21 comments

Recently, I started posting about my work on social media, and now I regularly get invited by LinkedIn strangers to chat over coffee. I enjoy those chats here and there, but with the commute, they're 3-hour, 10-euro blind dates in the middle of the day.

Business partners also invite me to private networking events. It's meant as a token of gratitude for our collaboration, but they're an anxiety-inducing nightmare for me.

How can I politely decline such invitations without being rude or making excuses? I am not too busy; I just don't want to go.

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Just ignore them. On social media, ignoring a stranger is not rude. It's the default. And a perfectly valid strategy for dealing with the volume of people asking for your valuable time.

Obviously, when it's someone you know or important to you, give them the courtesy of a polite decline or say you're very busy and will let them know if anything changes in the future. But for strangers: ignore if you don't want to interact.

"No, thank you."

That's 100% polite. Nothing more really needs to be said.

I'll also add that the ability to say "No, thank you" is perhaps the single most important professional skill you can learn.

Currently reading “never split the difference” and one of my takeaways has been for negotiations (or trust-building in general), people are anxious/frustrated about saying “no”, so enabling an environment where people can say no allows for better trust.

Personally understanding how neurotic/anxious I am empowers me to be able to say no, as I try to consciously be aware that subconsciously I am less likely to say no when it’s in my best interest.

"Sorry, {excuse}" seems to work best for me. Not all cultures are good with a straight no. Sometimes the excuse is just "I had a long day."

Why are you letting strangers add you on LinkedIn? And then meeting them in person, no less?

Sure you can tell them no, but you can also just ignore their cold outreach. I don't have anyone on my linkedin that I haven't met somehow.

"No" is a complete sentence.

That is, you can just say no. You don't owe them an explanation. You don't have to justify your decision. You don't have to convince them that it isn't possible (or reasonable) for you to make it. You can just... say no.

If you want more politeness, say "Thank you, but I think I'll pass".

My 2 cents ... If I know the individual inviting me then a polite 'thank you for the offer / thinking of me, but I must decline.' no more is needed. If you do not know them, i.e a blind invite, then ignoring is more than a reasonable approach, you are under no obligation to respond. Your time, your rules.

In case the problem is only commute time/cost:

- no agenda - no meeting

- suggest to talk on the phone or zoom first

- aggregate multiple meetings at the same day, same place, .i.e. office hours style

- you can schedule a day working out of the coffee shop or coworking place and taking the meetings there

- or say "I'm attending event XYZ at DD/MM, we could talk there"

- if not particularly interested - ask for money in advance, or lunch / dinner at the expense of the inviter (not just coffee)

If you don’t know them just ignore them. At least thank them for their interest but tell them you’re not interested at this time.

"I'm not doing many XYZ at the moment, so will pass." "Appreciate the invite!" [because it sounds like you do appreciate it]

As others are saying the best approach is simply "No, thank you".

Slightly off topic but the more persistent types have been trained/given scripts to (rudely) probe for reasons no matter what you say - as if it has ever been a case of "oh yes, now you've been annoying, I think I will accept your invite"! Personally I have no particular concerns about being rude to that sort, but i find that ambiguous emoji replies work great to shut down further efforts (even better than no response)

"Why do you ask?" is a good question to keep ready when people ask what is none of their business. Even if they come up with a reason, that is not a reason to answer. You don't need to say anything at all after that. Let them try to come up with something to fill the silence.

A woman whose father killed herself was repeatedly asked how he did it. This question saved her.

This. If they aren't your friends or family, you owe them no explanation at all. If they are trying to get one out of you, they're being manipulative and rude, and are worthy of being ignored.

Learning to say no is a vital skill for any talented individual.

These 3 strategies have been effective for me:

1. Buffering: replying with a slight delay (24+ hours) will make interest fade and be an answer in and of itself—while not necessarily resulting impolite. 2. Letting it fall through: If I do not know the source, and they are just doing cold outreach, I think I owe it to myself to avoid wasting energy on something impersonal. 3. Filtering at the source: rebuilding LinkedIn by only accepting and adding people I know and/or I think value my time makes it less likely to incur into these situations.

While learning to say no is vital to preserve energy, learning to prevent having to say no is even more vital :)

“Thank you for reaching out, but not at this time”

Just say no unless they have an immediate and definitive way to bolster your efforts and energy. Life is too short. Intense focus is critical to success.

> Recently, I started posting about my work on social media,

Why? What are you hoping to achieve by doing this?

Lay off the social media and get back to doing some real work.

I enjoy not working alone in the dark. I was hoping for an answer to my question, not unsolicited judgement of the context.

“I get anxious at gatherings and typically prefer not to go, but thanks for thinking of me”

Nobody needs to know about your anxiety - I wouldn't share such personal info.

"No, thank you, the <insert_anxiety_trigger> is not really my thing."

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