Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

98 pointscaspercrf202 comments

I met my wife about 12 years ago and at the time, we were making about the same salary ~$70k. Over the years both our salaries went up about the same until we both got to the $100k mark. About 5 years ago her career has really accelerated and her total comp is 2.5x what I'm making. On top of her salary, she hit the startup lotto and had a large cash buyout.

We had a hard time dealing with this at first, I was jealous and a little bitter, and she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation. In the end, we decided that the buyout money would go to retirement and not be touched. As for out salary, we decided that we would both spend as if we both made my salary, and anything above that, she would put in a rainy day fund for home improvements or traveling etc. This arrangement kind of worked until it came time to use that rainy day funds and she started feeling that we were spending her money.

I've heard of this situation with Lawyers/Doctors where one spouse supported the other while they went to school, but once they started to practice, the income spread was huge. How have FANG engineers or anyone else with a big income disparity learned to deal with the situation?

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I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and we will remain that once she earns a full time salary as well.

If I get a big raise or promotion my wife is excited not jealous and I have never felt like she was using “my” money.

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine.

Right now she is sick of her job, and FINALLY, I have got a FAANG free idea that I feel confident about launching as a business. Oh christ have they crowded out so many things. As soon as this idea is break-even, with upward trajectory, she's quitting and becoming the support person. Hard agree from me.

Everybody we have ever known over those 42 years who partitioned the pot: divorce. It's just money. Why would you do that? Why is money more important than your spouse?

(I'm replying in complete agreement, if it's not clear.)

I think you are understating the value of having a similar mindset. If I gave my SO full access to my money we would be broke in a week. She is utterly incapable of controlling her spending. Oh that $6000 couch we bought two years ago got a scuff so I got a new one. Its cool they gave me a $500 credit on the $8000 couch I replaced it with so it was basically free... Long term planning is not even possible for her, she spends ever dime she makes. Every lump of money has a list of earmarks that are already spent before she gets it saved.

I guess my point is perhaps it is less the separate bank accounts and more the incompatible mindsets that lead to the divorce.

I am the sole income earner in our household, but my wife and I have separate checking accounts. It’s not a matter of whether it’s my money or hers, but just a convenient way to isolate spending to reduce lines of communication. Early in my career I wasn’t earning a lot, and having to coordinate spending around a shared account led to more than one overdraft charge. Yes, this could be solved with careful communication and planning but that’s overhead we didn’t need or want to deal with for day to day spending. Larger purchases we have to coordinate on, but the communication is important there and less so on whether me splurging on a nice lunch with friends is going to impact her paying for school clothes.

Technically both accounts are joint accounts so it’s definitely not about hiding purchases or income. It’s just a logical partition around our daily spending habits.

We have been married for 16 years and together for 23. We don’t ever fight about money.

We do the same thing. We have a main account for bills and any essential items. Then we each have an account (still joint, but separate) and we put money in both every pay. Think of it as an allowance :)

I don't care what she spends hers on, and she no longer comments when I buy a new tool. Win/win/win

I am bristling a bit at the suggestion that split finances lead to divorce. I honestly don’t think it changes anything fundamental. You either agree on your priorities and approach to life and finances, and therefore spend your money in a roughly compatible way automatically, or you don’t. Keeping money in one pot does not automatically align or keep you aligned. It’s either a problem or it’s not. Doesn’t matter where you put it.

In my relationship, we avoid force or ways to control the other person. It’s a voluntary relationship. Love is the glue, not a shared bank account or financial dependence.

I bet split finances is a risk factor leading toward a divorce though. This is probably a higher risk factor if your incomes significantly diverge. If one spouse is making 2.5x the other one and they’re splitting their budget (if they budget… lack of one is probably another risk factor) like college roommates that screams “problem” to me. One spouse is basically living a whole different life. It just isn’t going to work most of the time.

Having split finances doesn't necessarily mean going Dutch on everything. When my wife made more than me, she carried more of the bills. Now that I earn more, I carry a bigger percentage of the necessities. We're still a team, but we have our own bank accounts.

I interpreted split finances as each person pays "their half". If your spouse who presumably makes more than you (not you specifically) pays a lot more and backstops purchases, having your own bank accounts is more of a habit than a practical necessity right? We used to have our own bank accounts too, but then I or my wife would transfer money to one another and we eventually just asked "what's the point of that?" if no matter what happens we're sharing our expenses... Obviously that's what works for us and doesn't apply to everyone, but just wanted to shed some context on what I thought split finances meant.

Half is basically impossible. That’s not what people mean at all when they say split finances. It means that people retain their own personal money in some form instead of it fully being community property. I would consider having a joint account that’s only used for regular expenses to also be split finances if people have their own savings and investments.

The ratio of the split floats around for us, usually depending on income and desire to pay. The important part is that my money is mine and in my name. If I want to spend it on caviar or video games, good for me. If he wants to spend his on a new car, cool. If he wants money for that car he knows he can ask and probably get it, but then I get an opinion too.

exactly this.

we didn't create a joint account because we never even bothered to think about it. it would have just been an extra hassle without any practical benefit. things were paid by whoever was doing the payment. if one account was running low but a payment from that account needed to be made, money was moved.

more of a concern was that i was used to meticulously tracking my expenses, while my wife hated the idea. so we didn't do it as a family, and only did rough budget calculations to see if we spent more than we earned as a compromise.

Split finances leading to divorce sounds more like a symptom of incompatibility rather than causation.

Staggering that I have newlywed friends who still haven't - even after 4 years - decided on kids or not, finances, everything big. AND NOW WE WAIT...

We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise

Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened.

I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model because each of us had so little, then.

We may be the exception, although it’s only been 13 years so far. Her and I didn’t ever combine our finances other than to open a joint savings account, so it’s never been a discussion of “we need to partition our finances”, it’s just never been a discussion of “we need to collapse our finances into a single pot”.

We do have a significant income disparity (on our taxes I believe it was about 3:1 for me this year), and navigate it mostly by just having an asymmetric set of financial responsibilities. We’re both responsible for our own individual expenses (e.g. cell phone bill, car insurance, credit card debt). She covers the mortgage for our modest house, I cover pretty much everything else (house and cabin insurance, property tax, car insurance for our shared POS construction-hauler van, natural gas, electricity, water/sewer, charitable donations, etc). I know what the mortgage costs, she probably doesn’t know exactly what most of the stuff I pay for costs but I’d be open with her if she was curious.

After all of the expenses are covered, we’re pretty much free to do what we want with what’s left over without consulting with the other person. We’re both also, I guess, sufficiently responsible that it’s a rare situation to run low. We’ve had a few unexpected expenses over the years that left the joint account in a bit of an ugly place but refilled it over the next few months and lived a little lean to make sure the emergency fund was there.

For COVID, her monthly income was reduced to almost zero. We’re in Canada, so she had CERB ($2k monthly). I topped up the joint account and told her she was welcome to take what she needed. She did transfer maybe $1k a few times to cover a few things, but mostly was self sufficient.

I dunno! Maybe it’s not a situation for everyone but it’s been super smooth. When we first started dating and moved in together, I was a grad student with a paltry scholarship, but our expenses were quite low as well. She got by and covered a few more things than I did, and now it’s going the opposite way and there’s no resentment or anything as far as I can tell. We’re both pretty good about sharing when we’re feeling something’s out of balance, so I suspect I’d know about it if she didn’t feel like I was pulling my weight.

My parents are 78 and 80 years old. They have been married 53 years and my dad took my mom to his high school prom. They retired at 55 and 57. They have always had separate accounts and coordinated spending. It’s not because of lack of trust. They’ve been on the same page financially since day one. Neither of them had anything but their own cars when they first got married.

My parents celebrate 50 in a few months. Having separate accounts is a major factor in them staying together. But! It was horrible growing up in such a family situation. I hated it.

It is about coordination. When you have two people constantly withdrawing from the same account - especially before the days when you could just look at your account online - it’s easy to overdraw. You know exactly what’s in your account when you’re the only person withdrawing from it.

Especially with my dad doing shift work where he was working different hours every week

Add me as a data point. Wife kept overdrawing account, split finances, divorce. All within like 3 years.

That's the missing ingredient that can make merged finances work: both partners have to have the same respect for money and not spending it unnecessarily. My wife grew up in a wealthy household where the attitude was something like "Who cares if you break/lose it, you can always buy a new one/pay someone to fix it." Whereas my family was fairly frugal, always tried to make do with what we had before buying anything, etc. This has caused some friction since she's been staying home while I've been working.

Congrats on 42 years! I look forward to being able to say the same.

That's the simplest way.

Honestly the whole "my money, your money" thing, with separate accounts, and you pay for this, and I pay for that, and oh i can't buy groceries with your money and vice versa, it just seems so... unnecessarily exhausting. When we got married, that's basically entering into an agreement that says we're one entity. So we just treat everything we own as owning it together. If we were ever to divorce, the State of California would treat everything we own as owning it together, so why complicate things with three bank accounts and negotiating and borrowing and who pays for what?

And before you say, oh that's easy if you make equal salaries, ours is a single income household, and it still works fine.

I’ve been married for 10 years we manage our separate accounts. But they are all joint accounts. She has “her” bills and I have “my” bills. Those are just bills we take responsibility for.

When she was working, I transferred money to “her” account when needed to pay “her” bills. We also have a separate account for “household” spending like groceries. I deposited money into that account when I got paid. But she manages it.

If she wants me to pick up groceries out of the account. She would give me a list and either she or I would transfer the money to “my” account.

Instead of transferring money back and forward, why not have one account that is "our" money that both of you spend from?

That defeats the whole purpose of separate accounts. I know exactly how much I can spend at any given time just by looking at my account. It’s the lack of needing to coordinate anything. I know that the only way that money will leave that account is if I spend it. We see each other’s accounts so it isn’t secret.

Doesn't a credit card with authorized users do exactly this?

Then it’s the issue of overcharging. You know when your checking account is $0 that you can’t spend. Besides, many bills can’t be paid with credit cards.

This seems like the healthiest approach I've seen so far in the thread. Honestly surprised hearing about managing incentives, and accounting for this and that. My wife and I also just have one big pot of money. We budget and spend from shared accounts and financial services. We talk through major financial moves (investments/purchases) before either executes. I cannot imagine having my life this intimately entwined with someone else, but then carving out our finances as something to keep separate and negotiate over.

Love this in concept, but life turns out to be complicated over the long term. It's easy to say it's "our" money when you both agree on the same goals and life trajectory, but people have a propensity for change. In 10 years, what if your life goals start diverging? Will it still be "our" money?

This isn't a personal question for you, but more something to consider even for myself. I love simplicity and I love trust. But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent.

That all being said, I recognize that sometimes overthinking or planning for the worst can be a form of self-sabotage. By you trusting your partner with the things most important to you, including money, you are creating a stronger bond by laying it all out on the table and working as a single unit towards your life goals.

To me it doesn't look like you're describing money problems specifically, but marriage problems in general. If you and your partner no longer agree on the same goals and life trajectory, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. When you start squabbling over details such as who owns what or who earns what, that's probably a symptom that there's deeper issues at play.

That's not to say that every re-evaluation should lead to a breakup. But I think not acknowledging that drift and fighting over the symptoms probably leads to worse outcomes than openly addressing the bigger issue.

Consider that even if a married couple maintain strictly separate accounts, negotiate with one another about how much of each partners' money should be spent on this or that expenditure, and live separate financial lives, in a lot of places it's still all marital property. So in the event of the (very real and frequent) diverging life goals you raise, all the hardball they played with each other doesn't even matter. I don't have the password to your bank account where you keep "your" cash, but just wait until I call my lawyer to claw back my half of our marital property!

> But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent.

I know everybody is different but the key for my relationship with my wife has been open communication. There's a clear pattern for us: when we don't talk about a problem, we end up getting upset with each other, but when we do talk about the problem, we come to an understanding and everything is fine.

Another key is that we love each other and if we disagree on something, we're both willing to find compromise.

There are a few big issues where a compromise might not be viable, like having kids or where to live (we're from two very distant countries), but we made sure we agreed on those pretty early on.

My point here is that I don't think age is the solution. Relationships are work. It can't all just be fun and games, you need to talk each other about stuff, build up trust that doing so is safe and be willing to compromise for each other. This is work and without it, the relationship might very well fall apart.

We're also one pot. Similar situation to the OP - I'm making what most would consider a very respectable income yet my wife still earns 2x my total comp (she didn't get the memo about the glass ceiling either). Although I've had previous windfalls that level the field a bit. Jealousy and territorial attitudes have never entered our minds. We're a team and support each other - my success is her success and vice-versa. We have the same financial priorities and similar spending habits - we live well within our means and consult each other on large purchases. There is no 'my money', there is only 'our money.'

Similar situation in our household. The only potential issue that could have come up is if one of us would have to relocate due to a potential career move and the other would have to follow and potentially hurt their own career. But due to the rise of remote work in recent years I doubt this would ever come up.

15 years with one pot of money. I've earned much more when I was an executive and my wife was working in PR, then she founded a startup and sold it to a competitor, so she earned a lot more, now I'm a CTO coach and she writes books, so I earn more. I struggled the first two weeks with the decision because before I could do whatever I wanted with my money, but never regretted it, very happy, never was an issue since.

When we go to diner with friends, who have a discussion who is paying, I always feel glad we don't have that.

Yup, same here. Pool all your money and don’t care who it came from.

I met the woman who is now my wife back when I was working at AOL in the mid-90s. She was working as a lawyer at the Securities and Exchange Commission. One year I got a big payout from cashing in stock options, and that ended up going to pay off her student loans. But except for that year, she has always made more money than I have -- for most of that time, if you compare her worst year against my best one, she still made like 3x what I made.

We have one main account we both use, and we make sure it's always got enough money in it that we don't have to worry about accidentally bouncing a check. We have set limits on how much either of us can spend without talking to the other person. And we don't really fight over money.

> I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income.

This probably works nicely if you find the right person - someone who has both spending habits that are reasonably similar to yours and when the relationship itself is stable.

But what about situations where:

  - one of the people is more frugal than the other, quite possibly with the other person spending money lavishly on wants, not needs?
  - the relationship may fall apart (breaking up or divorce), either due to different personalities, life circumstances or other factors?

Personally I think that joint finances are rather risky in all but the more stable and long term relationships.

What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None

And about the first one.. I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. IMO seems pretty hard to be aligned on world views when someone is more frugal and the others love fancy stuff.

> What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None

Depends on the country and local laws, I'd wager. Regardless, it's probably a good idea especially before a marriage has happened, though lots of people rush into getting married nowadays.

> I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference.

The fact of the matter is that some things can reveal themselves later in the relationship and having joined finances too quickly is probably a mistake. The hard part is that you can't really gauge when you have the other person figured out, e.g. the whole "rose tinted glasses" period that may drag on long into the relationship.

My wife is my wife and every dollar I earn is 50% hers (same the other way).

If divorce has to come my way, reality is we always lived with the assumption that everything is split by 50%.

We talk to each other when spending money on lavish things,which is actually a good sanity check

This is what we do too. Once we bought a house and functionally drained our bank accounts we took that as the moment to open all new joint accounts to make tracking our income and spending easier and make the common pool explicit.

How does this work for "specialty" savings accounts like 401Ks and HSAs (which are typically set up for an individual by their employer)? Does each one of you list the other as the sole beneficiary of each account, or have you been able to make those joint accounts as well?

Yeah similar situation here... it was just never an issue or a conversation really.

That system really only works well if you have similar views and habits related to how the money is spent. Or if you have so much that inefficient spending isn't a concern.

this is the way. a couple is a team, not a contest.

It’s weird to be married and imagine a scenario where my wife and I are arguing hers vs mine. I make approximately 4x more than my wife and we treat all money as shared. Bills are paid from a shared checking and if she wants to buy something she’s more than welcome to.

I think one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is being financially aligned. My wife and I are both similarly frugal so it works out well. Any large purchases we make are typically experiences together anyway like a vacation or a new shared car. We always make those decisions as a unit.

Could my wife afford our lifestyle if not for my salary? Probably not. But that’s the joy of being married to my best friend, I can drag her along and elevate her to my level. And she elevates me in so many other ways. Finances is just one piece of a big pie that is marriage.

> I think one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is being financially aligned.

This! I will say I don't think that this aspect is static, just like other aspects of a healthy marriage. You have to keep working to ensure you are both aiming at the same goals.

> And she elevates me in so many other ways. Finances is just one piece of a big pie that is marriage.

Yes! Money is the most easily divisible, but there are so many other contributions required for a marriage. My SO absolutely elevates and supports me in many ways beyond $$$.

same, i actually earn much more since i married her since she evens me out and keeps me grounded and happy.

We do the same, and always have, even before we were married.

It seems very old-fashioned for a married couple to have "mine and yours" in this day and age - I remember my grandparents doing that when I was a kid, and it even seemed old-fangled back then!

When we were dating, there were times when we had to split the cost of a joint gift or the cost of a holiday, or simply divvyong up rent. We did it proportional by income

When you are married, there is no 'her money' or 'your money'. There is just your collective money.

I'd take such squabbling as a huge, waving, in your face red flag. Evaluate it carefully. Question why one would want money they don't want the other touching. Is she planning to live large while you beg for money under an overpass? Or is she thinking of a future without you? Because those are pretty much the two scenarios that would lead to such behavior.

FWIW, I work, my wife doesn't. Imagine if I complained about her spending 'my money.'

Suppose your wife did get a job. Would the money she earns also go into the same collective pot? Would that not be somewhat demotivating / mess up the incentives for her?

Also, it seems in your kind of a scenario it would be difficult to avoid the 'unlimited vacation policy'-type problem, where ultimately it is still at the final discretion of one party. So realistically, there is still some portion of the pot that she is free to spend at her discretion, but it is implicit. Would it not be better for everyone to just make it explicit? Is that not a red flag, since by not explicitly designating some funds as hers / not transferring them into her account to use as she sees fit you are maintaining more control of it and how it is spent?

To be clear, I am not talking about your situation in particular of which I know very little, but presenting more of a general hypothetical argument.

Everyones money goes into the pot, that's what it's there for. The problems you're describing aren't a shared financial pot though. You're describing the problems when one person has control and allows the other to have access. Both people should have control and the ability to do everything, that's the whole point of collective. Good communication and trust avoid problems.

You make a lot of good points.

You're right about demotivating/incentives...it's what in the end kept her from working. She wanted to work part time while raising the kid...we sat down and talked cost of another car, marginal tax rates, etc...and decided we'd lose a ton of money by going that route.

It really depends on your relationship. If I am controlling the money, giving allowances, then yeah that would be bad. I'm not, we both have credit cards we are free to use and is what we pay for everything with. For any large purchases, we discuss together before touching cash.

There are a lot of different dynamics between people and how they set up finances. Doing allowances for both parties is fine, if that's what you prefer. But realize it's just that - personal allowances. In the end, you both own half the total pot, no matter how you pretend to divy it up.

Mess up the incentives for her?

Money is nice but if you have enough of it, it's an awful reason to put yourself through hell.

If you have the option, do work that motivates you to do more. Hang the money. You'll be much happier.

What does mess up incentives or demotivating here mean?

I don't get it.

This is a real tough one.

I have lived this and my best advice is that you should be equal partners. From personal experience, each partner contributes different strengths and abilities. Money is easy to divide and represents life energy but there is more to a partnership.

Equal partners does not mean exactly the same effort. Do you split the household chores exactly 50%? Probably not. I look at this in the same light.

Also, circumstances change. Right now your wife is making more money. If she suddenly got laid off, would you support her with "your" money? (Yes.) If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor? (No.) If you got a sizable gift from your parents, would it be yours singular or yours plural (plural). If she had a kiddo and wanted to stay home, would you support her with "your" money? (Yes.)

As far as nuts and bolts, talk about goals, talk about frustrations, talk about the challenges. There are financial counselors out there: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/13/business/financial-therap... they might be helpful. Or a straight up marriage counselor.

Compromise. Maybe there are things that your wife wants to buy that she feels like she should be able to. That should be a compromise and discussion because she wants to be in partnership with you.

Things to avoid:

   * hidden bank accounts
   * ignoring this issue

I agree with the posters that said have a single pool of money and it becomes your money. Perhaps it won't work for everyone, but that's where I'm at.

That being said, I do appreciate your point about the chores. In other families often only one person is employed. The other person is also doing nearly 100% of the chores, or child care, parental care, or other things. It does deviate from the original question a bit, but I think it's important that there's lots of other labor in a family. It's critical to notice IMO because those will almost never directly add to your money number, yet you wouldn't ever skimp on it.

> If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor?

Legally speaking, an inheritance is not marital property. If you put it in a joint bank account or use it to improve joint property it can become marital property however.

You have a point, the OP owns his wife's startup jackpot in the eyes of the law. (Unless there's a prenup in the mix, which is not mentioned.)

But there's legal situations and then there is real life. If a discussion about money ever gets the lawyers involved, then the marriage is either way more high powered than anyone I've ever known or is in a pretty bad state.

To me, it’d be pretty weird to enter a lifelong agreement with someone to share everything, but then as soon as you hit the lotto you start to squirrel things away on the side.

Yes, as you also share terrible things like stress, anxiety etc that often comes with these kind of jobs. It might not feel as much but I know quite a few cases where the stay-at-home person burnt out severely because of the stress transferred from top manager or director or trader type of functions. Just all a bit weird; shared is shared to me.

My partner and I have been together 15 years. We have always had separate finances and split expenses evenly. We always lived well below our means and never spend more on housing than the person with the lower salary could afford. We have gone back and forth a few times who was making more, anywhere from 2x to one person not having a job for awhile.

We are free to spend our own money as we see fit. For any shared purchase, we split the cost, unless it was a gift or talked over doing an uneven split beforehand (maybe if the thing in question was outside the budget of one person and the other person offered to make up the difference). Maybe once a year we run through our bank statements and reconcile big purchases that we owe each other money for.

We’ve talked about a joint account for expenses, but just never got around to it. Combining finances sounds absolutely weird and patriarchal to both of us. Like why on earth would I want his money!?

I think it works for us because we are both frugal, would never get into any debt or financial trouble, have good family safety nets and communicate well. We both view staying independently financially healthy as part of our responsibility to each other, just as we have a responsibility to stay fit or take care of our health.

This is pretty similar to my situation. Unmarried partner of 7 years, made similar income for a while, but I'm ~2x now.

The number one reason it works for us is we also both live well below our means (house payment is ~4% of combined income, low COL area & bought 8 years ago) and are generally frugal people (think thrift stores, buying used stuff when its logical, mostly eat at home, etc...). If one of us was extravagant constantly and the other wasn't it would probably cause issues in general. We are 100% transparent with each other about how much we are putting away in savings.

We split everything evenly by default via a shared Credit Card and bank account (very low running balance in that bank): eating out, vacations, etc... I own the house from before we met, so that's not split evenly out of fairness since I'm building equity and she isn't technically. So, I pay 70% of the cost (100% of maintenance costs) and build equity, and she gets to save a ton on housing.

The separate finances has become an issue exactly one time, recently, and we have what we think is a pretty fair solution. We are ready to live somewhere we both really like, in a nicer (but small) house with more privacy. We are still looking at stuff below our means, but it will be ~4x current housing costs. The plan is if we find something we love on the cheaper side, we just split it evenly, the end. If we find something perfect that's a bit more of a stretch we will start splitting it unevenly in both down-payment and mortgage payments (60/40 or something) and will have a separate legal agreement outside of the title stating the ownership split.

The summary is: it works for us because other things about each of us keeps us from spending a ton, so the income gap is largely irrelevant. Personality wise, I'm the one that will go extravagant on something every now and then so it works out (think: replacing a broken dishwasher with a really nice one that isn't on sale, not "15k vacation")

Not nearly at 15 years here, but my partner and I have the same arrangement right now. We talked early about keeping finances separate. We have _fairly_ similar mindsets to spending and saving, which I think helps. I make a bit more for now, but don't end up going on super lavish vacations or events that the other person couldn't afford anyway. Most of my income is not directly accessible to me anyway as it is in my limited company, and I pay myself a very moderate salary. Sometimes I make up the difference if I want something that would stretch him too much financially. I'm pretty sure in a few years he'll be making way more money than me, and trust that he'd also remain considerate of each of our limits when it comes to how we arrange spending that affects both of us.

As someone married for the same length of time and with a shared account, your situation sounds very odd to me. I'm sure it works for you, but if I were in that situation, I don't think my marriage would feel as close. Each of us reconciling big purchases at the end of the year sounds so cold and transactional. We just have one pot of money, don't care who earns the most and have conversations about big purchases and get agreement from the other.

In general, we each contribute an equal fraction of our income to a joint account. That money is "team money", from which money then flows to "team savings" and investment accounts.

If we make an expenditure out of the team accounts, it gets authorized by both of us, either explicitly (for big stuff) or through an enduring understanding (like groceries).

Non-team money lives in individual accounts, for the individual to do whatever they'd like. If one partner wants to go big on something, it is their prerogative. If one partner wants to go big on something that ultimately becomes a team item or improvement to a team asset, they can do that, too.

Works for us. We check in about it informally a couple of times a year, and definitely with an annual review.

As the lower-earner, I've definitely felt as though I'm not necessarily pulling my weight, but my partner seems happy with the arrangement. There are always asymmetries in relationships; a key may be to keep them in some sort of dynamic balance, whereby in aggregate, something good happens for everyone concerned.

If you or your spouse don’t always agree on purchases the other makes, this is the way to go. Having just a single joint account only works well if both of you are always on the same page about everything you purchase, but many (most?) couples are not like this.

It’s great to be able to blow money on something your spouse would consider stupid or frivolous without needing to come to a consensus on it. I once asked a friend who’s a big foodie (and whose spouse couldn’t care less about pretentious molecular gastronomy restaurants) to try a new fancy restaurant with me, and they said “I’d love to, but isn’t that place like $200 a plate? I need to run that by my spouse first.” My friend ended up joining me, but I could tell their spouse was extremely resentful about it. I just can’t imagine living like that. If I want to blow the entirety of my individual account on something my spouse finds silly, I am free to do so without any consequence.

My wife and I have “personal” accounts that are really joint accounts. I lol at some of the things she buys, but it’s “her” money. We are free to take money from each other, and it doesn’t usually lead to an argument or anything. I’d rather just take or have her take money she needs rather than trying to present a reason for borrowing it, especially when the other person may not be in the best position to hear why you need 20 bucks, when you need 20 bucks.

Being able to see what the other person is spending money on though is super helpful. I know what monthly expenses my wife has, and she knows what I have, allowing us to you know, have a single Netflix account instead of two separate accounts.

We do something very similar. I make about 2x what my partner makes, and our joint expenditures are divided up similarly. We don't feel the need to get approval to buy whatever we want with our own income, but we also happen to be relatively frugal, so there has yet to be a moment where, say, she comes home with a car that she didn't tell me about.

I also don't have a problem saving up money to buy nice things for us that comes out of "my" account, because I mean, technically it's all "our" money, even if they're in separate accounts. The separate account thing just makes it mentally easier for me to justify to myself being able to buy a new guitar and for her to justify to herself about buying a new bike.

At the end of the day, we're on the same page about finances and neither of us (to my knowledge) resents the other, and that's just about as good as it gets, I think.

This is what we do also. Have a joint account for 'team money', and individual accounts to spend on whatever we feel like beyond that. Some of that individual account stuff tends to still be spent as 'team money', i.e. a lot of the meals from restaurants and non-401k stocks are bought out of my individual account, and a lot of the groceries comes out of her account. Most bills are from the joint account though.

Worked so far the past four years, although I'm sure we could both be a bit more frugal with our individual spending. But for now it doesn't matter too much, bills are getting paid, money is going into retirement and investments (not as much as I'd like, but still a decent amount), we can afford a vacation this year (a fairly simple one, but one nonetheless), etc.

There are three main possible future outcomes:

1. You get divorced and she keeps her money

2. As a couple, you never spend "her" money because it's "her" money. You die having spent none of the money

3. At some point in the future, you start spending "her" money

(3) doesn't make sense given she's uncomfortable with it now. (2) also doesn't make much sense. So to me it seems like either she's acting irrationally or expects that (1) is a strong possibility.

4. You and your wife become one in spirit and stop thinking in terms of "his" and "hers", only "ours".

OP, it sounds like this would be a huge shift in thinking for both you and your wife, but I hope you can find your way there (maybe with the help of a marriage counselor).

Unless there was a pre-nup and depending on the state they married in, option 1 could mean he gets half of their collective money anyway.

These people should see a councelor and talk about why they think it's important to keep it separate in the first place.

> expects that (1) is a strong possibility

That might be the case, but why couldn't it instead be that she thinks it's unlikely, but still possible (and therefore she needs to be prepared for it)? Like even if she thought there's a 5-10% chance, it doesn't seem irrational to prepare for it? (Note I'm not saying it's a good idea to do this, just saying it seems rational.)

Our general division of labor is that I'm responsible for earning money and my wife is responsible for spending it. It works for us.

That's about how it works for us as well. I make the money, and she spends it exceedingly efficiently for our regular purchases (squeezing a dime and finding a quarter).

Marriage is a Workshop. Husband works, wife shops :)

husband works, and wife decides what husband is allowed to spend the money on.

of course these all work in the reverse too.

I love this phrase hahaha!

You are married, whatever you are earning is marital property. Don't think of it as mine or hers, think of it as ours.

(If you don't think it is really both of yours, talk to a divorce lawyer.)

I've been married for forever. My wife finished school before I did and was making 4x what I was while I stayed in school. Afterwards we were making about the same for a bit and then I started getting raises and eventually she stopped working when the kids came around.

We always just put the money together and set aside an equal little bit for each of us to spend however we wanted (currently ~$300/mo). Haven't had any fights about money yet.

Re-reading your comment now, it sounds like maybe your wife is having problems making that mental adjustment. There are couples counselors that specialize in financial counseling, maybe that's worth a shot. I'm not sure showing her this post would really help. :-)

> (If you don't think it is really both of yours, talk to a divorce lawyer.)

Trouble making the mental adjustment, or possibly trouble with something else and she's pointing at money because it is easy to count.

I think if I suddenly came into some money from work, my wife wouldn't be telling people I "won the lottery," she would tell them I "shrewdly selected the right startup and was a critical piece of its success, isn't he so smart?"

However it sounds like if he did talk to a divorce lawyer he would win the divorce lottery so maybe he's been the shrewd one all along!

I make 5x what she makes, what we do is just put it all in the same account, and then each one gets an allowance (same for both) to spend on whatever they want ( for me it's bicycles for her it's whatever). We get along just fine.

What if one day i/her want to buy something very expensive, like a 100k or whatever? I don't know i'm not into expensive stuff and neither is she but we would decide together.

First, I'll share my experience.

My wife and I have one bank account, and 2 credit cards each under our name to ensure credit score activity happens. I was a secondary on her credit card for years assuming it was building my credit too, but turns out I wasn't building a credit score at all.

We have one bank account. When we started she was already out of university, and she was the primary income while I went to school, then I graduated and lucked into a high-paying software engineering career, and we had a kid, and she effectively stopped working, only taking small part time jobs.

We've always had one bank account. I was always the big spender, so any disagreements have been about my purchases, especially in my early career when I wasn't making much. Now I make so much money that it's never an issue.

We've been together for nearly 20 years. I know her habits, she knows mine, the only time we have discussions about finances is when one of us inevitably forgets to pay some outstanding bill.

> she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation

This seems like a reasonable attitude at the beginning, maybe even the first couple years of your marriage. Perhaps this is too harsh, but IMO it's completely inappropriate to feel this way or have concerns like this 12 years in.

My wife and I could never do the one bank account. The coordination would take too much mental energy. We are both on all of our accounts. But we spend out of our own accounts.

What are you coordinating?

When I look at “my” checking account and see $300 in my account. I know I can spend $300 without over drafting. If we are both spending out of the same account, we would have to constantly be coordinating what we have to spend.

I said in another comment that I “retired” my wife when I got my job at a BigTech. I have “her” allowance direct deposited in “her” account. She can spend it however she wants to and she knows what she has until the next pay period. It’s the same with “my” account.

We talk about what’s going on for the next two weeks. If she has something she needs/wants to do that she can’t from “her” account. I transfer money to her after we discuss it.

We share a Google sheet with the budget so she knows what’s going on.

On that sheet I also have a column that at the top is a real time calculation of how much my next RSU grant is going to be based on the current stock price * the number of shares * (1 - tax rate). We then subtract what we want to do out of that.

I earn a fair bit more than my partner. We have a joint account we pay into for groceries, mortgage, bills etc that I pay a higher % into for day to day / household stuff. This covers off the "required" payments.

We do this so she has enough left from her salary to do what she wants to do (save, shop, splurge), keeping independence is important so we otherwise keep finances separate for the most part and neither of us really needs to be involved what the other person buys (unless it's a big purchase for the house (sofas, beds etc) where we will jointly buy it (again % difference) - everything is considered "ours" in the house). The law would consider it that way anyway.

Works well for us, we both get to "treat" each other which feels better when its your own money for a meal or a break away etc, she treats me often too, if it was one big pool of money I am not sure it would feel the same, besides no one needs to be questioned over a new $1000 pair of shoes or why they spent $850 on cologne haha

We don't budget other than required expenditure, we don't have kids (nor are intending to have them), we save a lot and spend a lot - its there to enjoy and you can't take it with you :)

With my wife, all our accounts are joint accounts, so we don’t need to ask to “borrow” each other’s money (there’s nothing more annoying than getting a phone call in the middle of a meeting with your spouse asking for 20 bucks). My wife and I have flip-flopped on who has the most money over the years. We still treat each other. However 95% of each other’s income basically goes in the central account for each of us. We have our own money to spend on whatever we want, and each a “secret” savings account for surprising each other for birthdays and Christmas.

Oh, and another thing about having our personal accounts being shared. One time, my wife was flying somewhere and I saw her card being used illegally. I was able to have her card cancelled for her, a new one shipped to where she was staying, with cash waiting for her at reception, before she even landed. If I couldn’t see her account, she would have landed with an empty bank account, and a huge stress bag to deal with. Instead she got texts as soon as she turned her phone on with a whole debriefing of the situation and details on what assets she had access to.

Here's an easy way to go about it –

All the money earned by both of you goes into a large pot. You both mutually decide how to spend that pot. There could be disagreements, but "You made $X while I made $2X therefore my vote matters more" should NOT be a consideration. It should be irrelevant whether one side contributed 50% or 5%.

Stuff like having separate bank accounts, fighting over who pays what bill and trying to assert dominance over each other based on income are the quickest ways to end an otherwise happy marriage.

I have to riff on this:

> All the money earned by both of you goes into a large pot.

Divide that pot into an equal number of bills for each denomination (1, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100). Mix thoroughly.

Every day you each get to randomly draw two bills. That’s how much money you get to spend that day.

Enjoy.

My husband and I have always had a deal where we live off the higher salary, and the lower is allocated as our "fun money" (dinners out, travel, etc.). We've swapped back and forth over 20 years, but it worked well for me psychologically when I was making less, since everything we did that wasn't grown up stuff came from "my" side of the budget,

That's pretty similar to what my wife and I do. It helps that my income is enough to fund the mortgage + expenses, but if she wasn't working we wouldn't have as nearly as much "fun money"

This is really cute

What's worked well for us is to adopt the framing that both of our time is equally morally valuable, if not equally financially valuable. One hour of my life spend doing work for pay is worth one our of her life spent doing work for pay.

We've operationalized this as: 1. Determine how much we want/need to spend on joint things (groceries, mortgage, vacation fund, etc)., call this B for budget. 2. Look at how much we're each making, M for me and H for her. 3. Find the fraction of our money X (which is roughly speaking equivalent to fraction of hours worked in our case) Such that XM + XH = B 4. We each contribute our respective portion to a joint account, and pay for all joint things out of the joint account. 5. We each keep the rest of our money in our own accounts, to do with whatever we like.

You might need to add a couple of terms to account for different work schedules.

Knowing that we're both contributing equal _effort_ to everything makes the inequalities (I contribute more to shared stuff, but also have a bigger personal discretionary budget) not seem like such an issue.

All shared expenses are divided based on salary % so expenses are more based on work time than salary

IE, Expense share = My salary / ( her salary + my salary)

To make this doable, we have a shared account, from which all shared expenses are paid (mortgage, food, holidays, anything that can be construed as shared)

So if one person earns 8000 euros a month and the other 2000, the split is 80/20. If we need 100 euros in the account, one pays 80, the other 20

That way, when we go for a nice dinner, it's the same value for both of us. It costs us both 1%, or 1h of work etc.

Savings are private but property is in her name, to offset for gender inequality in general life security.

Context: We're not married, are reasonably young (40/35), have been together a while (8 years, have good conflict resolution skills and plan to have a kid next year. I get paid dramatically more than her but honestly she works harder than me. I work in tech she works in literature.

We plan to move to phase two soonish, of paying salaries into the join account and getting spending money in our checking accounts. Having private accounts is useful for making sense of finances, just in terms of I can double check my own spending list without having to run it by her.

I'm into the single pot idea, but need to figure out how to do proper checks and balances incase we separate at some point. There need to be guards in place working against systemic gender equality, but I also don't want to screw myself over. Having a written agreement about what savings belong to whom is more important when we have joint savings. Things bias towards being in the guys name, so the danger of a simple shared pot verbal agreement is that there is large wiggle room for me to claim everything in a breakup. Hence putting property in her name.

> IE, Expense share = My salary / ( her salary + my salary)

My wife and I have been doing that since we've been maried, it works very well.

This is very similar to the advice our notary gave us. We opened a joint account, and we collectively agreed to put 75% of our salaries on that joint account. So every time she or I get paid, 75% of it goes on the joint account and 25% remains on our individual - private - accounts.

Anything we buy or pay with the shared account is considered to be 50% hers and 50% mine, regardless of who actually puts more in the account. The logic behind this is that we both make the exact same "effort" in buying those things. So we pay for almost everything with that account: holidays, groceries, utilities, furnitures, ... . If we have extra, we put a bit in a savings account / investment and those also belong to us 50/50.

The benefit of this approach is the it protects both of us. If we decide to have children and that she should work part-time instead of full-time to raise them, she will still have the exact same 50% claim on everything. She will not loose more than I do. We'll just have less money coming in the joint account and will have to adapt our budget accordingly. This is thus a common decision that impacts the both of us equally.

Importantly, our mortgage/rent is also paid off the joint account, so the house belongs to each of us 50-50. I was however able to contribute to a bigger portion of the downpayment for the house. To make things fair, she agreed to sign an "acknowledgement of debt", recognising that she "owes me" half the difference between my contribution to the downpayment and hers. If we stay together, that letter is just a useless paper that sits on a notary desks and we'll never talk about it. If we split, the house will be sold, each of us will get 50% of the proceeds, but I will be able to claim that difference, making things fair.

The remaining 25% on each other private accounts can be used for private expenses. I never have to "justify" buying a video game or an impulsive luxury since it comes out of my private account, I can also go out with friends and not have someone that asks wether that $75 tab at the bar is justified or not. Anything we buy with the private accounts is considered to be 100% belonging to the person who bought it. This account is also used for surprise gifts (birthday, Christmas, ...) since the expenses do not appear in the shared account logs. We agreed that any inheritance will not be split and will remain in our private accounts, so there is no "cheating" there. Also, anything that we had "before" we setup this system remains in our private accounts.

If one of our private accounts becomes "big" and we start seeing some significant asymmetry between those (Eg: I inherent millions and she doesn't, so I could have an amazing life but the join account is frustratingly poor) we have the option of treating some part as regular "income" our of it (Eg: do an automatic payment of $xxx every month). Since this is an income, that amount goes 75% in the joint account and 25% remains in the private account. This increases the amount available on the joint account, so we can afford the cool things we wanted. But the bulk of the money stays in my private account so if we split she won't have any claim to any of it.

Of course, the 75% - 25% split is a decision we took, but you might wanna change percentages according to your situation. Overall we are extremely happy with this arrangement as it brings the financial discussions close to 0 (we had some before).

I’ve made more since we started dating 17 years ago, in a ratio typically between 3x and 6x, depending on the year, stock market, and her job. On a crazy stock market year, it could be over 10x.

In phases:

Living apart: fairly traditional dating. I probably picked up 75% of the checks, but we split any travel 50/50 and mostly didn’t worry about it.

Living together: at her insistence, we split the household bills 50/50 and she paid the same amount as she previously paid in rent. This was true in a (more than 2x as expensive) rental and later, a house I bought in my name. This was the most painful phase as the last thing I wanted to do was write down in the ledger that I bought $20 of toilet paper, but she insisted.

Married: all that stopped and it’s all just our money. Same house was put in joint ownership during one of the refinances.

Married with kids: same, but just with a lot less extra money and time. :)

Mechanically, we implement all that with joint accounts (in case of dying) but with accounts that I manage and others that she manages day-to-day. This is so we don’t have to check in with the other to avoid overdrafts or other nonsense. She doesn’t have to get annoyed if I buy a gadget and I don’t have to get annoyed if she buys something I wouldn’t.

Full visibility and access across accounts, but “soft agreement” to have his and hers accounts separately for mechanical but not philosophical/financial reasons.

We share money. It's not "mine" or "hers", it's "ours". That works for us, but I can see why it might not work for everyone.

I'm the sole earner in our family. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the last 7 years and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was particularly wonderful during the pandemic - we pulled the kids out of the school system and had great success with homeschooling. (Obviously there were plenty of challenges and difficulties, but overall a great experience).

I make a bit under 150k a year which is pretty good in our area (although it certainly _feels_ like we should have more money than we do, guess that's life for you). All our regular expenses fit into about 5k a month.

There is about an extra 400 per paycheck after we budget for savings, which we divide into two separate checking accounts. These are our respective "fun money" accounts, and that money is off budget and purely discretionary. Hers goes largely to coffee and books, mine goes largely towards fishing, weightlifting, and guitar stuff in various percentages depending on what I'm most into at any given time.

My wife is planning to start working part time eventually - this is the first year when both kids have been in school full time. This money, in theory, will fatten up both savings and discretionary cash.

It has worked out pretty well overall. We budget the "regular" money with reasonable strictness, and the "fun" money makes it easy to keep our hobby spending from digging into the important money.

Minor edit: We have never thought of money as belonging to either one of us, even when we were dating in college (I mean, at first we did, obviously, but after a two or three years it became moot). We're a team, the money that comes in is _ours_ - not mine.

I’m very surprised that someone can be married for 12 years and still think like that. Surely your challenges and wins are hers and vice versa?

I’ve always made more than my wife, but she can spend what she wants, and if she starts pulling in a huge salary in future then happy days indeed!

I'm always happy to share my money with her and we generally make large decisions together (more than a few thousand USD). I'm currently earning about 6x what she does.

She's more than capable of taking care of herself, plus we'll soon take on a crippling mortgage anyway. Ymmv.

Money is stupid, I try to spend as little time as needed thinking about it, life is too short.

I earn two or three times as much as her.

It is not her fault that working in healthcare pays peanuts.

Also she is a loving mother for our 5 kids, does most of the work at home and she loves me to and rarely complains about doing most of the work (I work more and have significant commute).

So in my eyes we contribute equally much, it just so happens that most money comes from my work.

My wife makes about 5-6x what I make

But I do make $200k/y

So what we do is that her money is hers and mine is mine

If she wants to spend her money on joint things like our house than that’s fine but I am clear with her whenever I won’t join those projects because I can’t afford it

It’s been working just fine

I know from friends though that it can be a issue if one of the partners has a income below a certain threshold

If it's helpful, the government* considers it both of your money. If one of you racks up debts that money will go to pay for it. If you divorce, you'll split it. You two are a package deal, so all this pettiness isn't helping anything.

Use some of the money to go to therapy, both individual and couples. If you go soon enough you might save your marriage. Either way, it's probably the best investment in yourselves that's available.

*Depends where you are but certainly true in California

> *Depends where you are but certainly true in California

Fun fact: here in Australia, married couples file tax returns individually. There's not really a notion of a "joint tax return" here.

Sounds like a great way to keep you both in the higher brackets.

Uhh I'm not even married and reading this feels like more of a self-report than anything. Caring about money (which has fundamentally no real value - "I've never seen a Brinks truck follow a hearse") more than your partner is a huge red flag and like another commenter said, there are only a few likely outcomes from where you are right now. Best of luck to you.

I used to out-earn my husband but after taking the step towards starting my own biz, he is the primary (read: only) financial contributor to our household. He's incredibly supportive, but the change has been really hard for me. I feel guilt, I feel like it's "his" money. One thing that has helped immensely is we do a Sunday evening discussion on finances. We track our budget, chat about spending, make goals. IMO, marriage should be a commitment to share finances. Taking steps to normalize that is a bit harder; so highly recommend making it part of your routine to talk about spending habits, budget goals, etc.

When we started dating (over 20 years ago) my now wife and I had "yours, mine, and ours" piles of money. Our salaries went into our own accounts, each month we contributed a chunk to "ours" and paid for combined stuff from there.

Once we got married, we became a single financial entity. It's all "ours". Now I'm the salary person and she does way more labor than I do being the primary kid-care person. We help and support each other, and the family, together.

If you really are committed partners, let the ego go. Accounting who earned what may have a place in early relationships, but as others have said, is just exhausting.

It's hard for many women to be making more than their husbands.

1. They are not socialized to be the breadwinners. 2. It seems unfair to them if they bringing in the bacon, and doing most of the household management and emotional labor, and physically bearing the children.

In the case of no. 2, it's much easier, cheaper, and hassle-free to just to get a situationship, as a woman.

If she's worried you are "taking advantage of the situation", it probably means she doesn't think you are pulling your weight in the relationship. If she's still doing all the emotional labor and the household management (which could include managing the cleaner), then yes, you aren't bringing much to the table.

Generally, what I've seen work personally and with others, is if the lesser earning spouse manages some other part of the household and the relationship. Like SAHMs who run the house and are the primary caregiver to the kids. The lesser-earner also is the one who organizes date night and all that.

She probably needs to feel that she's getting something out of this relationship --which could simply be feeling loved, taken care of, and desired.

That is a great point, and on top of that it sounds like he's wearing his resentment on his sleeve.

No doubt if she gets completely fed up of this and leaves, he'll find a way to blame her for that too.

My wife makes 5x less than me and it's all our money.

We live in a developing country, she has an local job while I have a remote job.

We've still got separate bank accounts but we'd like to use shared account instead.

Prior to 2020, I was earning similar to her. Then I got this job and we tried out best to avoid money conflicts by making it all ours.

Fact: we spent over 100% of our combined pre tax income since 2020 on cancer treatment for a family member.

When my fiance and I moved in together we set up a joint bank account. All of our money goes to the joint and we give ourselves an "allowance" each month. We get the same allowance, which is plenty, and discuss large purchases from the shared pool. The main reason for the allowance is because we budget the pooled money weekly meaning that purchases aren't private. We don't need to be entirely in each others business so the allowance lets us make purchases without informing the other.

The way we think about this is that _any_ increase in either of our paychecks is a benefit for both of us. I'd love if my fiance made 10x what I did because that all comes back to benefit me too. I'm pretty easy to please though. My fiance is really into some expensive beauty products for example and we buy those out of the shared pool but I don't really care for much except having a good PC. Even if I suddenly got serious $$$ I think I'd pretty much continue doing the same stuff. I wouldn't even buy a new car.

When we were younger we used to have 1 joint account, and then we each had a personal account. For rent, groceries, etc, we used the joint account to which we both pooled a percentage of the salary.

Later on as we grew older, got married, that kind of stopped. We don't have her salary or my salary, we have our salary.

I guess it depends on people, on couples, on relationships. What works for us may not work for others. We're a team, we pool in everything we both get, we have goals and objectives for the money and we allocate it as such. But we also spoil ourselves, if she wants to buy something she does, if I want to buy something I do. It doesn't matter for us because that's our money.

We used to be on the same level, till last year, she now earns 3x what I earn and it doesn't matter. It's not "oh i make more than you so you should do more things around the house" but rather "we make more now, so we can do more, travel more, etc".

I like the income based share of expenses. If you make 75% of the total income, then pay 75% of the bills. Mortgage could probably be split 50/50. That's what a friend of mine does and they're both very happy.

Unfortunately, I can't convince my wife to contribute this way. I pay all the bills other than her car payment (when she has one), car maintenance, and gas. I also pay about $6k-8k of her self-employment tax. On top of that, for years she spent more on her hobby than I did on the mortgage. This has created some stress for me. Not only is she not contributing to bills, but I have to cover her taxes, and she's spending in a way that I never would.

So the risk becomes that if we do divorce, I'm totally screwed.it feels like the only way to control her spending is to keep the money separate. If you're not making enough to spend thousands a month on hobbies, then it becomes obvious that you can't do those.

I dont get this at all. All salary goes into shared accounts, savings gets done first, bills come out etc.

We each get an allowance from what is left. This is money that can be spent without judgement/agreement etc.

The my money and your money is very weird to me. My wife hasnt worked at a paying job since we got married over 20 years ago.

I'm wondering if it could be a cultural issue. Traditionally, the man has been the main provider. Even though it doesn't make much sense in a modern society, attitudes takes time to adjust.

Maybe she (subconsciously) considers this differently than if the situation was reversed.

My wife doesn't work and I earn all of our money. It's always our money. We each get a small column in our budget that we can do what ever we want with but apart from that all our money is just one big pool. I don't know how you can raise a family without treating your money that way. When you have kids you're all working together to raise them. If your input is money or time it's all input that you're giving of yourself to provide for your children.

People have different ways of doing things but I like the simple way. We all work towards the goal of raising our family. All resources are shared and lots of communication is required to keep us on the same page. I couldn't do this without my wife and she couldn't do it without me. I'm grateful for all of her hard work and she is for mine.

I'm at the 2x mark with my wife.

It's both your money. Jealous and bitter? Her money? You both just need to grow up and realize you're married and on the same team.

It might be different if you were both struggling to make ends meet, but you're wealthy. You made it. Be happy about that.

My wife and I own everything in common and split the household work along the lines of our capabilities. My money, her money never comes into it. It’s our money.

> This arrangement kind of worked until it came time to use that rainy day funds and she started feeling that we were spending her money.

someone could also feel like having a divorce and filling up that warchest...

I'm married only for a few years, but I have some observations; money is a touchy subject, it is a big part of marriage and I think in the past the assets of partners were a decisive factor on whether the marriage could take place or not.

today, we live differently, but the nature of people has not changed, resources are vital and in case of disproportionate balance, in this case money wise, issues are sure to come up sooner or later...

I guess you will need to find a way to get on her level, or provide something to the marriage of equal value, or go solo and fill up that warchest...

In case of divorce that “rainy fund” will be split 50:50 so it is not really her money - at least not from the point of view of law.

I guess this is tricky situation and marriage counseling might help here. They say that finances are the main reason for divorce but it is the least important one.

Others have mentioned this, but you can try to treat things as separate if you want, but legally, they are not separate. Marital property is 50/50 and that includes anything either of you earn while married.

Personally, I would absolutely not want to try and be an accounting minutiae expert in my marriage. The point of making a good amount of money is not worrying about money. I make pretty close to triple what my wife makes right now, but that wasn't always the case and certainly isn't guaranteed to always be the case. The point of marriage is you're a single decision-making unit. It's a lifetime commitment. You weather the highs and lows and buffer for each other to make it easier and more pleasant than it would be if you were single. I had a really bad spine injury 8 years ago, and there was a period of nearly 6 months that I couldn't work at all. Without my wife, I couldn't have even put my shoes on, and I was earning zero for at least a short period of time due to being young and stupid and thinking independent contractor with no disability insurance was a fine thing. Well, guess what has happened since then? My wife has a condition that has put her in the ICU twice in the intervening years, and has had to switch jobs and go through a brief period of unemployment for the same reason. She didn't need to worry about money either during that time specifically because we're a single economic unit and bad things that happen to us individually don't need to happen to us together.

The way I treat making more money than her is both of us deposit paychecks into a single shared account. Most of what goes in there ends up in other accounts, either for retirement or mostly into brokerage accounts to invest what is over the limit for tax protected retirement accounts. Neither one of us really touches that, but it doesn't matter. Both names are authorized to withdraw if we wanted to. It's community property legally. At some point, one of us is going to die before the other. Given her medical profile, I'm likely to outlast her, but if I die first, am I gonna feel cheated that my wife gets a nice life because of all my work? Isn't that the point of work? To make things better for your family, not just for yourself?

It's been really easy since the divorce.

:) This one should really be the top answer.

My wife and I each have our own personal bank accounts and one shared joint account. All shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, internet, Netflix, groceries etc.) come from the joint account. We each manage our own retirement and personal expenses. We both send a portion of our paychecks to the joint account every month that covers the shared expenses. We each can do whatever we want with the money in our personal accounts.

Since I am making significantly more than my wife these days I always pay for meals out, movies, etc. It's worked for us for about 12 years now.

I used to make ~2x my spouse. Now she makes ~2x me (her increased a bit and by choice mine decreased a lot). We have always treated it as "our" money not mine or hers. Scott Pape in Barefoot Investor says couples should use joint accounts we haven't done that but it may be the solution for you, I would recommend that you both read the book before making changes.

And for what it's worth, be grateful she is doing well. it is awesome and she deserves your admiration & appreciation for her achievements.

No one can give you advice on this. We miss a lot of the details.

> and she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation

We don't know how serious these events were.

> In the end, we decided that the buyout money would go to retirement and not be touched.

Is this a shared account or her account.

> she would put in a rainy day fund for home improvements or traveling etc.

Is that her fund or a shared fund?

> This arrangement kind of worked until it came time to use that rainy day funds and she started feeling that we were spending her money.

Is that a surgery or a buy a boat situation?

Do you have a prenup? If not, I think it’s important to understand that half of what she earns is yours and half of what you earn is hers. If you don’t have a prenup, you should really be pooling your money. If not, you’re asking for trouble later. Like if you get divorced and she conveniently forgets about the buyout money during the settlement. Also, she could be spending it or investing it in things you might not be comfortable with.

If you have a prenup, then just keep doing what you’re doing.

My wife and I have been all over the place with regard to relative compensation: she's made significantly more than me, I've made significantly more than her, we've both made about the same...

Honestly, the way I've dealt with it when she made more than me is.....I never tied my self-worth to my income or ability to provide in the first place. All our money is ours, and as long as we, together, have enough to support a reasonably comfortable lifestyle, we'll be fine.

I think the first question you really have to understand the answer to is: how likely are you to live your whole lives together? It sounds like there's some disconnect on this particularly matter.

Also, per other commenters, I think it's actually easier to manage money when one person is a big earner and the other person is a small earner. I've found this to be true myself. It can be harder when one person is a good/high earner and the other person is a very high earner.

Did you realize that the problem is not money itself? I mean, a therapy would help a lot.

We got divorced. She refused to make more money even though she was capable, felt entitled to everything I was slaving for and that everything should go to her specifically and my needs weren’t important, and I was tired of it.

She now makes a lot more money. In the end - I got her to change but it cost everything to do it.

I found that some men are slightly resentful about large wage gaps but ultimately are like - “whatever… is what it is.” I find most women are intolerant of them making more money than their partner and find their partner significantly less attractive. They exhibit a lot of behaviors like your wife does.

There’s no solution to this except having married someone who didn’t get so much cultural brain rot instilled into them. The idea that men should always be breadwinners and take care of and baby wives is something that should be long gone - but most women (even progressive ones) still hold onto this value dearly. Most women I’ve met want to be coddled in some way. The difference between men and women here is that men will do what their wife wants but women won’t do what their husband wants. :shrug:

You’re implying her behavior is entirely culturally learned and I don’t think I buy that.

I think it’s also plausible that most women are naturally driven towards men they view as equal to or better than themselves. One way of doing that is ensuring a man can take care of her.

As always, corner cases exist.

We are not married but together for nearly 6 years. In the beginning she did provide for me more than I wanted to, now I make a lot more than her and encourage her to start a new education to change her job.

Thing is we don't make a huge deal out of it. It's just money and reality is I would earn less wouldn't she support me so it's really also hers.

My wife's a postdoc and I'm a software engineer with around 8 years experience, so I make roughly 3x not including stocks etc. Our money goes into the same joint account and we split everything evenly (although I must admit to being more likely to impulse spend and go over my budget). I have no issue sharing this because in marriage you're equal, so I don't really think about it in that way. She also had more savings than me when we got married, so there's some equality gained there.

Just have a budget and try stick to it. Have a pot for your own entertainment and for her own entertainment, and then for joint entertainment. It's great she's on more money than you because you're playing for the same team. If there is some sort of "It's my money, I earned it" then have different personal budgets I guess, weighted on income amounts. But everything else should be equal imo (house, bills, holiday fund, etc).

When we started ten years ago we agreed all future money would be shared, and require discussion before spending on something big (but with an assumption of fair dealing).

We originally had a weekly allowance - booze money - when we weren’t making much for meals out/seeing friends but in the last couple years just use the joint credit card for that stuff since relative to our other expenditures it’s nothing.

Now we reinvest all my RSUs in trackers, and have a monthly spending goal that’s 20% less than our combined salaries that lets us save money for vacations and house stuff without hitting investments. Bonuses and stuff like we treat as “fuck it” money.

My hobbies are way more expensive than hers, so we do have discussions about stuff quite often, but it’s never been a problem - usually I just have to wait until a big enough bonus comes along if it’s something dumb like my project car.

Maybe it helps that when we started I was making 4x less than her and am now making 4x more.

There was nothing to deal with. We are a team. We met at work and she was making $35K and I was making $80K at 35 and 37 years old.

We both knew the company was on its last legs and I encouraged her to get a job that while it was making less, it had good benefits and she had two kids. We weren’t married yet. I knew I had a contract lined up with one of our customers when the company folded.

I promised her I would help her make up the difference in income.

I proposed to her and a week later the contract I was working on ended. I wasn’t really worried I knew I could get another contract. While I wasn’t working, she proposed that we go ahead and go to the courthouse so I could get on her insurance.

Once, my job situation stabilized, she got another job making even less working with school system so she could be on the same schedule with her (now our) kids. But with good benefits.

I changed jobs four times between 2012-2018 not having to worry about the viability of the company or the benefits knowing my wife had benefits. From the time we started dating until the beginning of 2020, our income gap went from $40K to $120K.

The money was “ours” the entire time and we worked together to rebuild our lives from our financial messes before we got married - both previously divorced and my failed real estate business.

Then in mid 2020 at 45, I got my first job in $BigTech working remotely in the cloud consulting department.

We talked about her “retiring” at 45. By then, I was making 10x what she was making. We didn’t need the money. I knew I wasn’t changing jobs again and I didn’t want her to be in the school system at the height of Covid.

I asked her to come up with a comfortable budget for her “allowance”. I have that amount deposited into “her” account when I get paid. She does what she wants with it.

Now, when I travel for business, if she wants to come, I buy her ticket and we extend the trip for the weekend.

Later this year, we will be doing the digital nomad thing traveling across the country.

Disclaimer: my blog below will never be used for monetization - no ads, no affiliate links. I pay to host here. Anyone who knows my posting history knows that I’m anti-adTech. This is more of a personal journal.

https://digitalnomadder.micro.blog/

The way my wife and I do it is that I (who make more money) pay the majority of the bills and also handle a lot (but not all) of the long term savings. That leaves us with roughly equal disposable income. Sometimes she asks me for a little extra cash, rarely I ask her to help cover some large sudden expense. If I'm honest, I might spend a little more than she does but she says the same about herself so it's hard to know.

This is just how we organize things though. In reality no matter who's account it's in it's all our money. We face everything in life together and recognize a single interest, you can't enrich one of us without enriching us both. I refer to it as "sharing a life."

Together we make about as much as the OP (with nothing from his wife, so a lot less overall) but I would feel a lot poorer if the two of us were scrapping over who should pay what.

We each have personal checking and savings. We have a joint credit card, checking and savings.

We maintain a ratio based of our base salaries. If I make 200k and she makes 100k then I pay for 66% of the joint cc, mortgage, utilities, etc. and she pays the remaining 33%. Anything we do, or use together gets split like this. Eating out, vacation, etc.

Since bonuses and stock are unpredicitable they do not form our "split percentage" but it all just goes into joint savings.

Besides that If I want to buy tech, video games, gym membership, whatever I pay for that personally. Same for her clothing, makeup, hobbies etc.

I grew up with daily fighting over how my parents spent each others money. Those scars are very deep and this is my attempt to avoid them. We've only been at it for a couple years now but it's great so far.

We've been having one pot since we moved in together. I end up earning more but she's spending a lot of time with our daughter+ ensuring the home is ship shape. We had discussions over years and she still doesn't always feel that the money is ours and not just mine or her. I did speak about this with quite few people amongst friends/family and it looks like one pot system isn't very popular and more often based on shared contribution model, where they would split the bills on rent/food, etc. In our case, I have 100% trust in her not going bananas and buying some expensive stupid shit we don't necessarily need or can afford ( I'm more likely to do so). So it's a balanced and pragmatic approach.

I find the whole married with joint account only, and the they have their bills and I have mine weird.

We have a joint account where all our bills come out of. We each pay in enough money to cover those bills. Anything left over, in our personal accounts, we can spend as we see fit.

No theirs/mine bills and with separate accounts. It leads to no arguments, recriminations, or jealously. I don't particularly care my wife is more senior, earns more, and has way more personal money than me (I come from a very poor family and any money I've accrued is down solely to me, she's money from her family). At no time do I think of her or my money as ours, I only care that our joint bills get paid and that we equally cover them.

Apart from "Husband-Wife-relation" and "money shouldn't be in between a relationship" comments. Here is my take and what we do.

Have you tried a shared account? Every month, each deposit the same amount of money, lets say 4K each, towards house and common expenses anything you both/the family spend. All extra money carry forwards and utilize it for more payments towards the house loan, extra purchase for the home or a happy vacation trip. Always maintain a positive shared-account balance. Anytime the balance goes negative, split it equally and reload it.

P.S: My wife earns more than me. She spends on her dresses and bags with her money in the bank, I spend my money on keyboards & shoes.. We never found any issues with that..

I used to make 2x my spouse. Now she makes 2x me. She’s at a FANG and I’m not. The way we handle it is we spend well under our means and go 50-50 on everything through various mechanisms.

Fundamentally our money is shared but the accounting keeps incentives fully intact.

Sounds similar to the OP in practice

A lot like your situation the tables have turned - my wife has made partner and now making 2x my tech salary.

Since before we were married we've each made a relative contribution to a joint bank acct and it's worked fine. (e.g. we both put 70% of our income in one pot). I like this approach because it's a balance of 'whomever can afford more, pays more', but also it allows for individual reward for someone working his/her butt off (e.g. if someone gets a huge bonus). I see it has a good hybrid approach.

For years, I was putting in more income as the higher earner and now the tables have turned. :)

I currently pay for pretty much everything while she’s still undergoing her doctorate studies. The expectation is we’ll then split all bills 50/50 once she graduates and her career is in full swing.

So for now, she helps with tidying up the house, cooking some meals when her studies allow, and other random things as her way of contributing. I don’t ask this of her; she just does it because she’s cool af.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to always be transparent about money. Never hide things. And be mutually respectful, while creating a plan that is balanced and works for both levels of income.

Life is too short. Don’t waste it arguing about money.

This has never been an issue for us and I honestly think it can cause a shitty relationship. We’ve always treated our incomes as “our” money vs mine and yours, it’s just never been an issue.

Now we have a couple kids and it’s hardly worth her even working. It’s not an issue, it’s all just “our money”.

We have friends who still have a hard split in their finances, and we’re talking 10+ years in at this point, with kids and a house and still maintaining separate savings accounts. A couple have huge income differences and they have what seem to be the most stressful relationship, constantly working out who pays for what.

Been there. We separated. The actual issue never was the money.

It’s highly likely your issue is not the money either. I mean obviously the money is an issue but there probably is another one in how you both view your couple which is causing it.

If your partner feels and tell you are not contributing your part and feels you are profiteering for their work, there is probably some hidden resentment here. It doesn’t mean it’s true. It might be linked to her life experience independently of you. I would go talk to a couple therapist.

We pay all the monthly family bills (including joint purchases like cars, vacations or home improvements) in proportion to our earnings/wealth. We do not have a joint bank account. Any personal items like clothes, golf clubs, or suborbital space flights are decided on and paid for individually. If both people want a suborbital space flight but only one can afford it, the richer one would probably pay for both [if they intended to return home after the flight]. As long as both people have a reasonable amount of savings, this works fine.

For those that are not married: figure this out before you get married.

Assuming OP is in the US, if they were to divorce, the income earned while married is generally split equally. So it's a bit odd to talk about "his money" and "her money" when married unless you're talking about assets from before the married that have been kept separate.

The best approach is to agree to a financial plan as a couple and then go from there. It might involve contributing a portion of each persons salary to a common pot. Or maybe just setting it aside individually for that purpose.

I’m confused, why would you be jealous here? Aren’t you and your wife “life partners” so to speak? That means understanding what money means to each person, understanding your partner’s money goals, and working towards shared financial goal.

Honestly, it sounds like you two need to have a heart to heart on this and figure it out, because frankly, you’re behind the curve on this. And if it’s not going well you should seek counseling. It’s important for a couple to be on the same page regarding money.

Jealousy happens because of our lizard brains. I get “jealous” of my wife sometimes because she doesn’t work and I have to work. She gets to enjoy her hobbies and volunteer work.

Now, intellectually, I know this is stupid. I had to convince her to quit working post Covid. We don’t need the money. I like my job and I couldn’t just have her travel with me when I go out of town for business if she were still working. We definitely couldn’t embark on the digital nomad thing we are doing later this year.

She would go back to work tomorrow if we needed it.

Maybe it's because the sum of my salary and the one of my wife is lower than the salary of OP 12 years ago. But we don't really care how to split the money, because usually there's none left after paying mortgage, bills and groceries.

We do have a big disparity in money, and if we split the mortgage 50/50 she would not have enough money to pay her share, so we split based on what each of us can pay: I pay the mortgage and the groceries, and she pays the bills

Life is too short to fight about money when money is not an issue.

I completely agree with this sentiment.

We are a family and a team. We need money, we need someone taking care of the kids. Who cares who does what. It doesn't work if we miss one part. No part is superior

It might be tempting to go with all shared accounts (our money approach) but it can be a major source of conflicts due personal preferences etc.

I don’t remember where I saw this advice - but it was to the effect of; instead of splitting bills equally, each spouse contribute say 20% of their take home for common bills and X% for emergency funds. With percentages adjusting as bills change of course.

I think that’s a much better approach & distribution of bills based on income.

I personally like to split up the idea. While I make the money in the household, I have the power on how I want to spend my money (I can blow all our savings on GME stocks). BUT as a couple, we both have equal say on where we are now and where we want to be. Like if my spouse wants to buy a house in five years, and I agree, then we would work towards that goal. Who makes the money doesn’t get more authority in making that decision.

We have one big pot of money and not a single care in the world about who spends what.

The primary earner has flip-flopped a dozen times in the last 15 years.

There have been many times where we needed to come together and get our total spending under control, but we always made sure to make a budget that says we each can spend $X per month on whatever we want, no questions asked. A few times that has been $25, others it could be $500 or $1000.

I wonder how she would feel if the situation was reversed.

First, we made a budget of all the household expenses that are recurring, and divided those proportionally to the total revenue we both make. We then have a total that each of us need to transfer into a shared account every week where all household transactions are made. The rest of the unused income is partly put in savings account, and some discretionary spending.

I don’t really get where’s the problem here in the first place?

Marriage is first and foremost a team game, why raising the team’s performance can cause anything but pleasure?

If you prefer thinking of yourself as a separate independent individual competing with others - you should not get married at all, there’s no point for it.

Put all income earned into a joint account.

Pull out "pocket money" to match demonstrated need for working or @home role

Have a third operating account for large purchases.

Stop worrying who earned it, and focus on shared experiences or justified solo spending.

(not in FAANG. If you go into a relationship seeking to preserve the asymmetry when you come out of it, don't be surprised it colours the relationship)

We have separate accounts each, and an additional joint account. When salary arrives to either one of us, half of the sum goes to the joint account. The joint account money pays for the family and household expenses (mortgage, food, kids, etc.). The other half that's left is spent according to the consideration of whoever has it.

Ultimately you are asking how to cope with jealousy. The answer is different for everybody I suppose but the easiest answer is "don't be jealous". You are a married couple, you succeed or fail as a unit. The only thing stopping you from fully enjoying your mutual success if your own ego.

My wife (20 years) and myself just share it all. I mostly made (a lot) more; we both don’t really care about stuff or vacations. Since we met eachother, we started doing this after 2 months. I have always done this in previous relations and if there are jackpots to divide (there have been) then it shall be so.

As others have said, it's our money. We work together to decide savings plans, goals, etc.

I am the sole income earner between the both of us and we just communicate what to spend money on. We each have our own accounts, but almost all of the money goes into the joint checking and savings accounts for us to use.

There is no “her” money. My wife has been home for 15 years raising our kids. I make the money but it’s not my money. She’s gone back to school now that the kids are mostly self sufficient. When she starts working it’ll go into the bank account we’ve shared since we got married.

Split all household expenses proportional to income. It's easy to do, and really stable over time.

Works for things like shared housing situations too.

If you want to be even fairer, take $50,000 off the bottom, and then split all expenses for non-survival stuff proportionately to income over $50,000.

All money is our money. Families don't compete for resources. My spouse is not working right now, but when she did, she made a quarter of my income.

>until it came time to use that rainy day funds and she started feeling that we were spending her money.

Why are you married?

My wife and I borrowed a system from a friend: we each keep 20% of our net, and the remaining 80% goes into a shared account.

We’ve tweaked it now she’s on maternity leave so we each get 10% of our combined net income. Keeps things fair and progressive.

It works well, we never argue about money.

Stop being petty and let go of the ego. Life isn’t measured by how much money you make.

I make almost 2.5x my wife. All earnings go into one account and all funds are shared. We each have our own credit card to track personal purchases but they're paid for out of the joint account.

We've been doing this since we started dating

We have goals for our family, for the most part resources including money are pooled and put towards those goals. What experiences do you want to have together? Make them happen.

Why do all of these smart, mathy STEM folk on HN have such imprecise takes on this topic?

1 account for both of you, filled proportionally to your incomes until your monthly expenses are covered + any savings you agree on. This is for rent, food, vacations, childcare, etc. You make more than your partner? Tough, you joined them in the equal partnership known as marriage.

1 account for each of you, for everything else you make on top. This is for personal expenses like clothes or extravagance. You make less than your partner? Tough, you get to spend less of your excess.

Caveat: There are some big assumptions from the OP, like the fact that you’re DINKs and contribute equally to household duties.

Precision in this particular case is the enemy of happiness.

How do you even measure "contribute equally to household duties"? once you open a door to inequality in a marriage it's a slippery slope, next the higher earner can rent a cleaning help for their half of the work letting the other one do their work alone...

Socialism, you do what you can and get what you need, might not work great on large scale bu I do think it should be used at a family scale.

A lot of commenters are completely overlooking the gender dynamic here. A husband earning much more than his wife is different than a wife earning much more than her husband.

If, as you imply, he feels emasculated by his wife earning more, that's his problem to solve with himself first. His wife shouldn't have to take the brunt of this on top of what is likely a high stress, high pressure career.

Sure -- but this dynamic is extremely well understood -- it's not like it's only every fifteenth man who would feel emasculated by this -- it's more like every other man.

Can you elaborate? Intuitively it feels you might be right, but every reason I can come up with myself I can also rationalize to the point that it shouldn't matter

This is just a phenomenon that has been studied by social scientists. Men who are earn less than their wives, or who are stay-at-home dads, are more likely to get divorced. You may say "well, they should just grow up and get right with God", and that may be true, but it is nevertheless a widely-observed phenomenon. It's the way the world is, although perhaps not the way the world should be.

what's the difference?

The difference is that social scientists have studied gender dynamics and have observed that men who are out-earned by their wives are more likely to get divorced than when it's the other way around. I'm not saying that this is the way the world should be -- I'm just pointing out that this is a well understood phenomenon.

By feeling blessed to be married, blessed that someone is killing it professionally, and by riding the married-filing-jointly brackets. Marriage is a team game.

I see. Looking at these comments the problem exist only when the woman is the one making more money. Otherwise is “our money”. Sometime women like sexism

We share our money so we just enjoy having more money.

My wife hasn't worked full time since the birth of our first child, 22 years ago. I've worked constantly.

We both own everything.

Easy, just have kids. Then all the money (and everything else) is theirs, and you’ll have nothing left to squabble over.

my wife and i are partners. we aren’t keeping score about who makes more money or who takes the garbage out more often.

so if i had advice to offer, it would be to try and change how you place value on what each of you bring to the relationship. your incomes is just one of a plethora of currencies.

Are you in a community property state? I doubt MacKenzie Bezos ever worried about the matter.

The problem exist only when the woman make more money. Otherwise it’s just “our money”

Basically all money is our money, jointly. We consult each other on purchases over ~$500, but otherwise don't worry too much.

We are in the minority of both being in tech, however she has maintained a job at a large tech company for upwards of a decade and gotten excellent performance ratings so she gets a lot of equity. I have hopped a little, going to small startups and large well known ones. In terms of sheer cash, she has basically always made more than me since we were ~26-27. We pace each other in "career growth", but if you're looking at real dollars we can use today, she makes more.

On paper, right now, I make more. But the equity piece of my comp is in a non-public startup and that's fine. It's beer money - hopefully it'll be worth something at some point, but I save and plan like it's not part of my mental model.

TL;DR - we treat our money as one big pile and consult each other on the bigger purchases.

You were doing the right thing. She is now wrong.

Give all your money to your wife.

Marriage is 50/50, no?

tl;dr: My suggestion is to establish dialog, go to couples counseling to help learn the skills that may be lacking in one or both of you and to identify if there are any ingrain social conditioning that the both of you thought you had risen above.

Most comments here are from males who make more than the female. The thing not being said is the societal expectations we are conditioned with, and the switch in "roles" here. Her being the "breadwinner" and even though you also make good money. You say:

>> at first, I was jealous and a little bitter, and she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation ... As for out salary, we decided that we would both spend as if we both made my salary, and anything above that, she would put in a rainy day fund

You did not mention the household chore division or any possible kids. So I will assume it is an average 2 income household; one where the female does slightly to moderately more household chores (I believe this is even more true for females in high power careers)

This would not seem fair to me, and I dont know if that is what is happening, but I would also suspect you taking advantage of the situation - not monetarily, because its not about the money, it's about her living both the "breadwinner" and "homemaker". While you also bring in money, the part I really cringed at was -> having set the spend limit to the max amount YOU make. She does all the contributing to the rainy day fund. I would have a problem with this even if you made more and her less because both are not contributing. I would have issues with it even if household chores were even. Many of the reply's here (by the I assume male, with a wife) dont see it as a problem in their situation. However, they are fulfilling their "role" and society would mostly think it petty of them to expect her to contribute - which I personally think is unfair. I would also insist I contribute in order to feel parity.

You are on to something with the being bitter and jealous at first, because we are conditioned to have households where the male makes more, so it's easier for the male to be in his "perceived rightful role as breadwinner" and have zero problems sharing the money because that's his "role", the wife is doing the house/childcare and maybe part-time work for fun money. Everything is as we are told it should be.

You may be doing little micro-aggressions and not know it. She may sense this and think you are taking advantage of the situation but can't quite put her finger on it - I'm going to go out on a limb and say it really has absolutely nothing to do with money from her side. That's the only thing she can point too because the other may not be obvious to either of you.

I'll try to explain, from my personal experience as a highly paid female.

Im not sure how much males understand their insecurity with females making more than them. I thought this was for my fathers generation. Then I tried dating. I dont mix work with personal life and dont want to go home and talk tech. So most guys will make less, I dont care - at all as long as he has a job and can take care of himself.

Things are great until they find out how much I make and then would pretty much disappear. Sometimes slowly; sometimes before I finish the sentence. I figured they were just insecure and did me a favor. I would find someone else. Then I really did, a friend who made 1/4th what I did working in the public sector, my main attraction was that I thought he was completely, fully, secure in his masculinity - others couldn't threaten him with challenges to it - it was hot. We got closer and I disclosed details of my work and pay (which I avoid with most people), the instant look of dejection in his body language and change in his voice said all I needed to know. He started seeing someone around his same pay grade a few months later. I think a lot of guys want to believe it won't bother them and truly believe it since most never have to test it. I have the very unfortunate experience of making it real for them.

I dont know what experiences you wife has gone through or what expectations she (subconsciously?) harbors, but I have had to learn conversational gymnastics around what I make, especially around males that I know make less and who I actually want to be friends or spend time with - Im not sure they realize the change in the way they see me when they find out - but it's not fun to feel constantly rejected or unintentionally intimidating just for living my full potential; I wont downgrade myself or be the one to compromise to make males feel better about themselves either, it's not my job. My responsibility is to myself, to provide for my survival needs. And I wont settle for the few guys that are more than willing to sit on the couch playing video games all day while I pay the bills, clean and provide dinner. Im just not sure many males are fully aware these issues exist.

> We had a hard time dealing with this at first, I was jealous and a little bitter, and she was worried that I was taking advantage of the situation.

Wait... Why was she worried that you were taking advantage of the situation? Taking advantage how specifically?

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