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This reminds me of another useful utility from the childhood:

alias updick='/usr/bin/uptime | perl -ne "/(\d+) d/;print 8,q(=)x\$1,\"D\n\""'

You cracked my office up. Deploying to production immediately.

The dick grows depending on how long the system has been running?

Exactly. Kinda measure of how strong is sysadmin.