Learning to Love Myself
blog.chaselambda.com
blog.chaselambda.com
I will add this to the thought stream on the topic however. Being ok with rejection, well more than that, accepting that rejection is a mechanism that guides me out of situations that aren’t right for me, or away from people who do not accept me for who I am is key to loving myself. The other path, to fear or avoid rejection is to prioritize destroying myself in the name of pleasing others, which is the opposite of self love.
Loving others involves accepting their variances from/conflicts with my important choices and being ok with that. Conversely, loving myself involves being ok with my important choices especially in the face of someone else rejecting me for said choices. IOW, accept me the way I am and the way I choose to grow, or kindly show yourself the door out of my life.
Again, this is an incomplete treatise on what self love is. I do however believe loving oneself is most important when it comes to dealing with others.
I think this an important but incomplete statement. Rejection means that situation wasn't right for you but the question I have to ask myself every time is was it because I wasn't ready or good enough? If I get rejected from a job I really wanted, it would be easy to pat myself on the back and say "it wasn't a good fit" but the reality might be it wasn't a good fit because my skills weren't up to snuff. This is where having a kind inner voice helps. Don't avoid the reality that you need to improve but don't berate yourself.
While I think it is important to be volitional in making my choices, sometimes singlemindedness in this regard can blind me to the gifts of things I did not choose. So sometimes self love manifests as making myself available to receive the unexpected, the thing I could not envision for myself that is actually much better for me.
You weren't good enough.. Yet.
Yes
I've sat on this for a couple days trying to wrap some thoughts up. It's challenging, and I think what I've written below is pretty incomplete. But in any case...
I think these two statements are mutually contradictory, and I think that is an essential insight. (I, too, tend towards peace-making and people-pleasing at the wrong times.)
Love is a commitment that should produce sufficient safety to tell the truth to each other. It's hard to do that, and it's hard to test it. Love is ultimately concerned with the good of the other. This reflects around to you: if you are unable to be truthful with the beloved, you are not best for the beloved.
The well-worn bedrock of civilization--do unto others as you would have them do to you--seems like a good starting point for both loving yourself and your neighbor. It remains fraught with difficulty, though, because we often lack the will to do what is best for ourselves (or even the knowledge of what is best).
Like an oxygen mask in an airplane or an emergency surgeon getting ready. You have to put yourself first so you don't harm others. Put the oxygen mask on first before helping others. Check your own pulse before jumping into a life saving surgery.
This isn't even getting into people with chronic, treatment resistant depression. Some people will never be able to love themselves. Are they not allowed to seek relationships then?
Love for myself is something I'm actively working on right now, as someone whose depression has also long defied resolution by conventional treatment.
It seems to me that the treatment-resistant depression, and the struggle to love myself, are the same thing.
You compared self-love to a language, and I think there's truth to that. But perhaps a better metaphor would be that of a neglected muscle or group of muscles.
As a human being, you are enculturated into at least one culture, but really a weave of many different cultural threads---things that have been propagating, in one form or another, for hundreds or even thousands of years.
Part of that cultural heritage is the judgement and self-hate---the keen sense of having failed to be what one ought to be.
But also part of that cultural heritage is immense love. That is part of you, but neglected---it is the unworked muscle.
I recently went to the gym for the first time in years. I hardly did any exercises, but I was sore for three days afterward. It was painful even---seemed like I might have fucked something up. But now, I'm stronger.
I think it's like this with love for ourselves. It is a muscle that can be strengthened. The way this is done will probably be somewhat individual to you, but I think there are patterns to it.
For me it has been very helpful to prioritize the development of this ability. Even to spend effort developing it is itself a sign of love for myself. Even if I fail---at least I'm trying. At least I'm spending time attempting to show myself that I matter.
In fact, the tendency to avoid being with myself---to distract myself from what's going on inside me any way I can---has sent a signal of fear rather than of love toward myself. I'm trying to do less of that---Hacker News will likely always have its place, of course!---and to have more time to be with me.
One of my great hangups has been the problem, basically, of evil. Like in the original post, the question has stuck with me: what if I'm a bad guy?
What if through my self-hate I don't reform myself and keep myself in line?
But the answer I'm coming to is that there is no part of myself that isn't deserving of love, simply for being here. The way I developed as a person was largely an accident of my environment and predispositions. If there are parts of me that are a bit misshapen, so to speak, it is only because they were not nourished as they ought to have been.
Is the answer to now continue the deprivation and the mistreatment? Or is it time to try something different?
When I treat myself with love, something within me responds with great joy that I've not felt in a long time. Something becomes _right_ that has long been wrong. Just saying "I love you" to myself is just a beginning---talk is cheap after all. But standing up for my needs, refusing to betray or abandon myself in the face of rejection from others, letting my self and my ideas come out---realizing that there is a headspace where I can feel not only not ashamed, but proud to be who I am---all of these things show a very deep part of me that it is loved, and I _feel_ that very clearly.
It has also been helpful for me to be part of a community focused on developing a different, more-loving relationship to our respective selves. For me that is part of a reading group dedicated to "The Loving Parent Guidebook", which is part of the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Like all programs that one has its pros and cons and I'm not even advocating for it in particular, but the important thing for me has been to show up, learn from others, and practice things I never practiced before. (As a non-believer in a traditonal "Higher Power" I have had to forge my own path to an extent, but there are many like me.)
Anyway, the journey is only just beginning in a sense. I just wanted to share my perspective in case it's helpful. You're not alone in the struggle, though of course it's also particular to you.
Wishing you the best.
If the only kind of love that one know how to show is constant belittling and striking to the point of serious injury, and learning that this is both how you say I-Love-You and if you loved them back you would endure it silently, could you honestly say that you'd want to love yourself?
It's a lie people believe to justify loving themselves _more_.
The problem is selfishness (self love) leads to unhappiness, and the lie blinds them to the cause.
I of course won't go around accusing eveyone that's depressed of selfishness or moral failure. But reading about this helped me understand a bit better why I feel so unhappy when I'm surrounded by so many good people.
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/10/the_story_of_narciss...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2008/06/hes_not_yelling_at_y...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2008/07/being_the_main_chara...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/11/a_generational_patho...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02/the_other_ego_epidem...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/12/infidelity_and_other...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/12/taboos_are_the_ways_...
https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/06/amy_schumer_offers_y...
Another similar result from intentional MDMA use:
https://sashachapin.substack.com/p/how-i-attained-persistent...
> Self: Hey Chase! Do you like me?
> Chase: I love your life!
> Self: Um
> Chase: Yeah, you’re so lucky. There’s not another life I’d want you to have
> Self: Ok
When people I love do things I don't like it might annoy or anger me, but I will still regard them with compassion and try to understand their motivation. This doesn't mean that I won't draw consequences but that my positive attitude towards and my understanding towards them goes beyond behaviors that I can understand on first glance.
With myself I often catch myself harshly judging me for doing or wanting things that are in conflict with how I think I am supposed to behave, even if there might be good reasons for my behavior deeper down. In contrast to other people who I love I am not yet able to keep the positive attitude and a willingness to understand for myself. This makes it difficult to investigate my own behavior even though it probably benefits me on the long run.
That I do show this behavior towards people I love makes me think that "loving myself" should also contain this behavior towards myself. This is just one aspect that I think "loving myself" contains. There are possibly other aspects of love to others that are also applicable for myself.
"Loving myself" is certainly a feeling I have felt before and to me it feels quite similar as love for other people feels.