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Comment by getYeGone | Hacker News Reader

I graduated in 2020 into what was supposed to be a “regular” in-person job, that was turned into a fully remote job due to Covid. I ended up hating it there, and since have found a new primarily-remote job that I love.

My life feels hopeless. I wake up, go to the gym, and then work from 9–8. I work so much because I have nothing better to do. Then I watch a movie or some garbage on YouTube and go to bed. I have no friends. On the weekends I try my hardest not to think about other people my age (24) going out and having fun. I haven’t had fun going out with friends since college in 2019. The only things keeping me going are the gym and my work.

The days where my two teammates and I coordinate going into the office together are a nice reminder of what having friends was like. Ultimately, I go home and I am alone.

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I think this is an epidemic right now frankly. A lot of people your age are struggling to find and maintain any kind of social connection and live a totally isolated life. It isn’t surprising, we aren’t used to having to go out of our way to find any social situation. It’s entirely possible to live without talking to anyone. Unfortunately for some reason it quickly becomes misanthropic too, especially if you have depression: you start to not want to be around people or not want to talk to people, you forget what they can offer you. I think there is absolutely a major widespread problem of growing social isolation right now

I am in Germany so even in the office people are cold. Native Germans (especially from the north) take months to years to warm up to you, so it takes a long time for them to warm up to you

> you start to not want to be around people or not want to talk to people, you forget what they can offer you.

The current political and cultural battles, in addition to a lingering #MeToo atmosphere, may also make this harder.

I agree about your assessments of north-Germans, but I haven't found south-Germans (or at least Austrians, which everyone tell me are ± the same as Bavarians) any better - in fact in my 8 years in Vienna I found the natives a lot less friendly/colder than in my now 9 years in Berlin.

Berlin isn't "north-German" culturally, it is a very distinct cultural sphere and probably good for making some friends.

Note that behind the aparent coldness of Germans lies a promise of eternal, deep friendship once you break through :-)

Yeah I live in Hamburg and you basically have to stick with non Germans if you want to make friends in a reasonable timeframe. Many native Germans seem to guard friendship as an extremely precious thing that should only be given after much deliberation, while in a lot of other cultures it is given out relatively freely, after just one or two meetings even

To make new friends, you should try to find an activity you enjoy and a group you can join regularly (e.g. a meetup). If the activities are weekly, one could be enough. If monthly, pick up a couple of different ones. Over months you end up slowly building the relationships with others that you’ve missed. I had to do this after moving to a new country, it made a big difference in the end.

Good advice, but difficult in practice. Many activities stopped meeting in person during the pandemic and have barely started to resume them. And there are fewer than you would think.

Has anyone had success with this that they can share?

I started playing tennis again, building on some basics I learned as a kid. Joined a local club, and was dumbfounded why no one was playing on beautiful weekend summer days. The sport has declined a little but still, where is eveyone?

Turns out all the action is at the organized league play with teams of 6, playing at home or travelling to nearby clubs. Through age groups and play modus anyone who can nominally complete a match skill-and fitness wise can join and contribute both to team success and social life surrounding the play. Through the shared activity you can connect, and meet for a match before joining people for non-tennis activities, before "making a friend as an adult".

So yes, the social structures are eroding rapidly and this will have major consequences for society, but there are still pockets left that you'll have to go out and find.

Climbing - you already go to gym so are in above-average shape. Its a sport for 2 usually. In pre-covid (and pre-children) times I used to organize 1x per week a climbing session on our local meetup-like web. Usually 4-6 people showed up, often new ones.

Eventually you will meet interesting people. Even some girls who may have similar mindset to yours. I've met more (former) girlfriends through this than any other means, and eventually my wife.

I consider it the best sport out there due to mental aspect of it, especially on rock (and ski touring in winter). But if thats really not your cup of tea, look for other sports. Team ones, or some course where you end up with bunch of others. Just expose yourself to the crowds, even if its not that pleasant for ie introverts (like me).

Doing above, I've regularly ended up with more close people than I could possibly manage to keep friendship with. Also non-trivial number of ladies were keen to meet for other adventures like hiking, ski touring etc. Tons of people are wanting to do these sports, but they need some buddies.

my city has multiple recreational sport leagues that are active, and I spend a good chunk of time volunteering and have met some great people that way.

And it might be tough but if you find an online community (like a discord or a forum) you should definitely reach out to people you interact with enough. It’s possible to build friendships with people online, but it requires a bit more courage.

At the very least having more people to chat with can really change the texture of life

This happened to folks before WFH. Often you’d join a team that was full of people 40+ who had no interest or commonalities with someone in their early 20s (and no interest in bridging the gap). These things happen in office too.

It’s a common experience for young people today because our social fabric is weaker than it has been in the last 100 years. (Read some Robert Putnam to understand)

I’d suggest getting some social hobbies like ultimate, dancing, running groups, board games, etc. A lot of these groups/hobbies exist because there’s a ton of people like you who are feeling socially isolated and want to make friends.

Find hobbies / meetup groups. If you want to improve your situation you need to actively work on it. It doesn't magically fall into your lap.

Also, stop working 9-8. Obviously it's more difficult to find the energy to do things when you're tired from working 11 hours per day.

Sorry you feel like this, isolation can feel terrible. I went through a similar thing when I first moved to a remote job. I made friends with people of similar interests. Can you move to a job where you can be in an office with other people? Not sure where you're based but it might be an idea to take a look around.

Hey, I graduated in 2021 and work a fully remote job. Seems like we might have similar interests or are at least at a similar place in life. Shoot me an email if interested: jacob@ridgwell.email

I’m around your age, similar interests (software and exercise), my job’s fully remote and I like going places and meeting new people. Feel free to hit me up isaiah@becker-mayer.com

I'm sorry you feel this way, but maybe my experience can give you hope.

I moved countries in 2013, and barely had 1 friend after I moved. I had a few office colleagues I was friends with, but very rarely met with them outside of the office.

My days were similar to what you describe. Working long hours and then sitting at home with Netflix or Youtube. COVID has made it worst in your case unfortunately.

Here's what I learned which might help you: - Watching movies or Youtube isn't necessarily a "waste" of time. It's just a way to spend time. You don't need to spend your time being productive or social. If the movies or videos let you pass the time in peace, enjoy that. I also enjoyed reading books back when I was living by myself, but the majority of my time was spent in "wasteful" activities like social media and movies. As long as it's a conscious decision to spend your time this way, I would suggest to not call it "wasted" time. You're spending time doing things that help you relax and unwind. It's not wasted. - It took me a long time (> 2 years) to find a group of friends that I was happy being around. College is really the last time in my life when I made friends quickly. I think it's purely because being together for hours everyday over the course of years naturally builds friendships. Making friends after college takes time. As someone who is introverted, it took me even longer. - The time I had to spend by myself was difficult at times, but that was just because of the way I had framed it then. Like you said, there's an expectation of how people your age have to act; go out and have fun. Ultimately it is someone else's expectations that you are enforcing on yourself. Find things that bring you some version of joy. Don't worry about what others expect you to do. - Find hobbies. If you have a well paying job and low expenses, you should try your hand at different things. I've tried and given up on so many things over the years. A few; like 3D printing and FPV drone flying have stuck around. Again, I used to think that I was failing because I didn't stick with hobbies for a long time. I now realize that it would have been worse trying to force myself to spend my free time on things I didn't enjoy. - Following up on the hobbies thing - find communities around your hobbies that you enjoy. It's a great way to make friends. Communities don't need to be in-person either. There are so many amazing people you can make friends with online through your interests.

Finally, working in-person with others in the office is a great way of accelerating friendships. Many in my current friends circle are people I met in the office, or people I met through my colleagues.

The last thing I'll end with is to not worry too much and give it time. That's essentially what helped me; giving it time.

Hope that helps.

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