You have to take an honest look at the world before you can optimize. A lot of our problems (in the US) come from trying to pretend we don't have social hierarchies, or problems with race, or whatever.
I really want to know who my superiors are so I can call them up and apologize for treating them as equals all these years.
In any social setting, pecking order and stuff like that matters a whole lot to most people (and is very frequently the driving force behind a lot of the comments, even here). I try to treat everyone with respect regardless of who they are and I am disinclined to kowtow to anyone. I assure you it gets me in hot water on a routine basis with people who are trying to impose a hierarchy on the relationship and trying desperately to make sure they are in the superior position. Refusal to take the inferior position gets read by such people as an attempt to assert my superiority (and oppress them/disrespect them). It is damn difficult to convey equality to people hellbent on doing something like that. {Which makes me curious why you seem to experience it differently. :-)}
If someone does try to assert their superiority (I'm trying to think of an example, but am having a hard time) then I tend to appeal to their humanity and ask them to chill the fuck out.
(I don't know of a pecking order on HN. AFAIK you're all my equals. Even PG. He has more money than me, and has more relationships than me, is older as wiser than me, but I don't see him in any way to be my social superior.)
I'm some loud-mouthed brassy broad. If you are male, it's possible that's one reason you get less crap. I do things like sit up front in large meetings at work (because I can't see for crap and my hearing is not so good, etc) and it gets remarked on by other people like it's very aggressive Type A personality stuff. I don't do it to be assertive or anything but other people react like that's why I do things. I repeatedly run into situations where it feels to me as if acting like "everyone else" (or "just being myself") and also, oops, being female is interpreted as "feminazi" behavior.
Perhaps not the right (time and) place to make such remarks. In my defense: I'm short of sleep and working overtime this week.
Peace.
I don't think I am the only person people do this to. In fact, I think such erroneous attributions are the norm, not the exception. In my case, it frequently seems to get framed as "feminazi" or "dragon lady" or something along those lines -- ie some form of accusation that I am a woman who is aggressive to a socially unacceptable degree for a woman. I strongly suspect that many of the things I do which get negative reactions and chalked up to "ego" would be viewed as perfectly acceptable -- or even humble and self-effacing -- in a man.
You probably don't treat them as equals, unless you have some sort of Asperger's.