Ask HN: Do you like it when your manager starts a meeting with “how are you”? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Do you like it when your manager starts a meeting with “how are you”?

8 pointspoisonborz15 comments

After moving to a new country and position, I'm surprised how often I'm greeted with this question. Maybe it's cultural, but I find it extremely superfluous, especially in a work context. It signals a very cheap understanding of care: a standard one-shot catchphrase one can use to measure mood and happiness. Whenever I mentioned this everyone defended it saying "I don't use it in the _classical_ way, I actually mean it". If someone would actually care, one could ask something specific about the person (what game you played last time?) even without knowing background (what did you do in this nice weather?).

Is it just me who is annoyed by similar conversational generics - do I expect too much of small talks?

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It's a conversation starter; an act that's both a surface-level kindness but also useful in the sense that it can let you direct the conversation to a topic that's been bothering you lately, and that they potentially have the resources of helping you with it.

Soft skills are powerful if you know how to use them. :)

Let me go in a different direction than other commentors. "How are you?" is a little less hollow of meaning than I think you perceive it to be.

>Maybe it's cultural, but I find it extremely superfluous, especially in a work context. It signals a very cheap understanding of care: a standard one-shot catchphrase one can use to measure mood and happiness.

You may be surprised to learn how many people would be totally fine with you giving them a real response to that question. Even if the situation (say, a business setting) does not allow the time or context to give a full answer, you may say "Busy! Really working away at this sprint" or "Tired, kids kept me up all night" or whatever, but that's real communication and not just superficial talking.

Does it annoy you when someone says "Good morning"? Do they really wish you to have a good morning or is it an insincere and cheap catchphrase?

Chill, it's just small talk, it fills a gap.

How do you know it’s one-shot? You can also see it as offering an opening for a conversation.

If you were to answer “I think of quitting”, “my dog died”, do you really think there won’t be follow-up questions, help offered, etc?

I also find it difficult to think of a reasonable alternative for such a ‘one-shot’ question. Wouldn’t it be weird to start with a multi-shot one (extreme version “it’s time again for you to fill in the emotional well-being questionnaire”)

I'll take cheap kindness over no kindness any day.

It's a US cultural thing for sure [0]. Just say something like "good", "fine", "ok", and maybe follow up and ask it back.

And I'm not surprised people said they were sincere when asked about it. By confronting them about it, you put them on the spot with two options: claim sincerity, or admit insincerity. The third hidden true option of "It's a US culture thing, don't read too much into it" isn't something most people are consciously aware of. Thus, of the two available options, they pick the one that doesn't put them in the wrong.

[0] https://youtu.be/vnh05tEinNY

I infer from your comment that you are not a manager. To (good) managers, knowing "how you are" is critical. As a manager, there is nothing more important to me than finding out if my reports are sad, annoyed, tired, frustrated, all of the above. Especially in a work context, it is very important to make sure people are happy with their job, or find out if something bothered them in the past few days.

On the other hand, why would they care what game you played last time? They are specifically asking a very open ended question and counting on you to be a professional and share with them what matters to you and affected your mood.

>Is it just me who is annoyed by similar conversational generics - do I expect too much of small talks?

Yes to both questions. It's a small politeness, use it to direct the conversation, or simply say fine and move on.

Even for HN, i am surprised...

I do not understand how “what did you do in this nice weather” or “what game did you play” is any different than “how are you”. They are all conversational, they all express an interest in your life.

“How are you” is a hell of a lot less superfluous in a work context than either of the alternatives you provide, especially than the gaming question.

If you’re in America, you’d best learn to use the conversational generics, or you’ll be going nowhere fast.

Well, if I hadn't seen him for the day I might expect "Hi" or "Doing OK?"

Perhaps a bit sensitive on your part? Depends a lot on the company.

You haven't mentioned which country.

It might derive from the classic "how do you do?" to which the correct reply is simply "how do you do?", certainly similar phrasing is common in the UK, e.g. "you alright?" or indeed "how are you?" You're not supposed to actually reply...

Replying to "How do you do?" by parroting it doesn't sound classic to me. It sounds strange.

Do you actually mean literally repeating "how do you do?" as a reply or do you actually mean something like "good and you?"

"How do you do?" is formal and mostly only used in quite "upper class" circles these days. The formal, proper way to reply is indeed to say the same. It's not an actual question, think of it as a more of a greeting.

Some members of the Royal family were reported to refer to the Middletons (Prince William's in-laws) as the "great to meet you" in a condescending way because they were said to be saying that instead of "how do you do?" when introduced to people/them... Language has always been a social class differentiator.

It's a polite way to initiate a convo in USA.

You can either respond with a canned response or something genuine about work.

Maybe your manager actually cares, and wants to know. It's a question which you are free to answer however you wish. Tell them how you really are; answer the question! Then it won't be a "generic".

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