I'm a residency trained pharmacist and someone whose life was improved immensely by antidepressants from ages 19 - 37(bupropion x 10+ years, SSRI x 2 years, SNRI x 5 years). These drugs will change your affect (your mood) but not your intellect.

I am also currently not on medication x 2 months for the first time in about 18 years, so I have seen myself both on and off meds and I have a deep mechanistic understanding of these drugs.

I promise you that no drug that you can take can make any permanent changes to *edit* to your mind (there are rare cases unrelated to SSRI where side effects like tardive dyskinesia or pulmonary fibrosis can be irreversible). The SSRI have about a 4-6 week period of onset and offset where the extra serotonin floating around starts to cause fewer serotonin receptors to be expressed and subsequently enhances your brain's sensitivity to serotonin. It is for this reason that you do not see results overnight when starting a serotonergic drug.

Stopping the drug, a similar effect is seen. I had about a week of slight discomfort related to withdrawal symptoms, then 2-3 weeks of feeling a bit slower than normal, and now I feel just fine. Throughout this whole brain remodeling process both on and off meds, I never lost a step at work, which is to say that I maintained excellent performance as a midlevel practitioner and maintained several side hustles and even started a consulting business.

My honest interpersonal advice (not medical advice) is to give meds a try man. Your life has been severely affected by your mental state, and you could potentially see significant improvement....but even if you dont, you'll stop the drug and be no worse off than when you started.