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Comment by mooreds | Hacker News Reader

Some advice from someone a bit further down the career path:

* If you want to try something, try it! Save up some runway, do your own thing. Try some other projects right now, don't wait. (You won't be able to devote full time effort to them, but can still make progress.) You may find that what you dream about isn't all that, or maybe it is. Either way you can take steps forward.

* I learned to be happy with my life after I'd taken a few alternative paths. Nothing like jumping to a situation, realizing it wasn't what you thought it was, and then jumping to a different situation, then realizing it wasn't all that great, then jumping to a different situation... After I did this a few times, I learned that I needed to create happiness where I was, not try to find it elsewhere. YMMV.

* It is a cliche, but kids are only young once. Enjoy that time.

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> It is a cliche, but kids are only young once. Enjoy that time.

This. So many times over. Everything else can be done later or slowly. Don't miss the good bits!

> * It is a cliche, but kids are only young once. Enjoy that time.

I don't know if I'm wired differently, but my oldest kid is in HS and my youngest is halfway through elementary school, and while I didn't hate the time I spent with my kids, I don't feel like I derived a whole lot of personal enjoyment out of it.

I still would make the same decision -- feeling loved and cared for rather than abandoned is a great gift to any child -- but with a lot of the "milestones" in life it seems to me that a lot of the benefit to doing these things is not staying up late at night wondering if things would have been better had I not missed out...

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I find it rare for parents to share the non-glowing reviews, and it's refreshing to hear.

Also, I do want to say it's not like I hate spending time with my kids (setting aside the usual annoyances of dealing with misbehaviors), but in terms of pure hedonism, there's plenty of things I enjoy more that I don't do as much because it would be shitty of me to never be around.

It's one of those things that pays out over time, and 20 years from now because you invested your time in your children you'll be able to enjoy them and grandchildren much more than anything else you could've done.

As a good quote I heard once said "No success can compensate for failure in the home"

jobs come and go, achievements are eventually forgotten, and wealth doesn't last forever, but your family will be pretty constant.

> but your family will be pretty constant

No? There's divorces and death and all kinds of bad things...

I pretty much optimized my life around my young kids. That's why I got a remote job (before covid) and only work four days. I genuinely believe it will be the best investment in my lifetime, and I will look back and be proud I made that decision.

> I learned that I needed to create happiness where I was, not try to find it elsewhere

I fully agree, but it's really hard to do so even if you know that's the right way.

> I fully agree, but it's really hard to do so even if you know that's the right way.

Yes! I agree it isn't easy to do this and I struggle daily, but haven't found a better path.

Certainly alcohol, partying, entrepreneurship, clubs, sports, travel, and adventure (the main paths I've tried) haven't succeeded in providing immediate happiness without effort on my part. (They all had their good aspects, don't get me wrong, but nothing intrinsically made me happy all the time and I was always left wondering "what's over there".)

> Try some other projects right now, don't wait.

YES. Not "this weekend" or "when things open up a bit," do it now. The river won't part for the stone voluntarily, you need to jam it in the water …

Also, if you can: merge bullet 1 & 3. Try something new with your kids. Learning and exploring together is an amazing experience.

+1 to this. Leverage whatever hobby/passion you are planning to do and use it as a bonding and teaching/learning experience with your children. They will forever value it.

If you want a laundry list of things to start getting into:

- Becoming handy, teach your kids as you do it so they have that life skill. Being considered handy simply is a mindset - do you have the confidence to figure something out via some google searching etc....

- Martial arts - I took Ju-jitsu for 4-5 years and I can tell you martial arts appeals to software engineers - its highly technical which engages your brain, yet very physical which is an area we swe's hardly ever get to use.

- strength training - will increase your energy - physique - and some other passive benefits for your relationship - also something you can get into with your kids and help teach them healthy habits.

- cooking - save money and eat some tasty food - a good cookbook I swear by is America's Test Kitchen Cookbook - they cook things 20 different ways and explain why they settled on a particular approach - along with good explanations of cooking techniques

And it doesn't have to be something super difficult. I realized after my divorce a decade ago that due to all the hours I had spent working I was a bit of a shit dad and didn't really have a great relationship with my kids.

One of the best things I did was started a "family game night" every week. Bought a handful of board games and each Saturday we'd sit down with pizza and games. No cellphones at the table. It was a huge success for us. It allowed us to learn new things together and it helped build a foundation for us all to grow from. Even now with all but one of my kids grown, when we get together games are brought out and we have a blast. Nowadays I'm teaching my grandson to play some simple ones and can't wait for him to join in.

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