- All parties are terrible and you're a terrible person if you like parties
- Women date abusive men because they were traumatized as a child, and they avoid nice guys, so be an asshole to women
- You can't be a good person unless you had a shitty time growing up, and people only start families to deal with their own shitty family trauma, so, good luck
- You are doomed to an unhappy marriage. Don't look for someone you like, look for someone you can endure
- People with bad taste were traumatized as children. All Russians and Saudi Arabians have bad taste
- People give self help books a lot of shit, but you should read self help books (Alain sells self help books)
- For dinner you should order children's fish sticks, cranberry juice, and the most expensive dessert, the last two because you feel awkward about ordering the first one, and this will help you on a date