The dependency boundaries between portions of the data model can never be cleanly demarcated -- because that's not how information works, especially in a growing business -- so there's always going to be either some loss of flexibility or addition of complexity over time.
Individual developers getting out of each other's way just ends up getting pushed to getting in each other's way at release time as the matrix of dependencies between services explodes.
Engineers jobs become more about the lives and dramas of the services they work on than about business domain. You end up building your organization and reporting structure around these services, rather than the business needs of the customer. And then you end up indirectly or directly shipping that org chart to the world in delays or bugs caused by your fragmentation.
Instead of modeling facts about data and their relationships, and constructing the relational model which can capture this, the developer in the microservice model becomes bogged down in service roles and activities instead, again taking them away from the actual problem: which is organizing information and making it accessible to users/customers.
It's a shell game.
The Facebook monolith works because engineers there invested time in building the tooling you're complaining is not available to others. Same with Google: Google invested in F1, etc. because it evaluated the cost to do otherwise and it made sense to invest in infrastructure.
Yes, small companies can't often afford this. Luckily they have two things on their side:
Most small companies don't have a fraction of the scale issues that a FB or a Google have. So they can afford to monolith away for a lot longer than they seem to think they can, while they put in infrastructure to scale the monolith.
The industry as a whole has invested a lot in making existing things scale. e.g. you can do things with a single Postgres instance that we never would have dreamed about 10 years ago. And when that falls over, there's replication, etc. And when that falls over, guess what? There's now high performance distributed ACID SQL databases available for $use.
Microservices is surely one of the longest lived, biggest cargo cults in our industry. I've seen others come and go, but microservices really seems to cling. I think because it has the perception of breaking business problems down into very small elegant independent atomic pieces, so it has a very.. industrial revolution, automation, factory floor, economies of scale vibe. But that's not what it is.
There are places for it, I'm sure. But systems with highly interelated data and quickly changing requirements are not well suited.
IMHO.