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Comment by itsmemattchung | Hacker News Reader

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years:

  1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying
  2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs
  3. Ask for help (it really does take a village)
  4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style
  5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you two *might* not be on the same page as you thought you were
  6. Default-divorce is the path unless you and your partner actively work on your relationship
  7. Toss every expectation you had about what it'll be like as a father
  8. Movies lie
  9. All of the above highly depends on the type of child you have
  10. Culture plays a big role. The west and east have _very_ different ways of raising children

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  11. Your career will suffer

Point #11 is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a child is a forcing function, requiring you to really prioritize what's important (and not important) in your life. All of us only have 24 hours in the day. All of us have limits.

Also, be prepared that not all fathers (especially in the corporate world) will see eye-to-eye. My relationship with one of my mentors dissolved practically overnight when my priorities shifted from work to home; I only realized later on that when his 3rd child was born, he threw himself at work even more. Some men find work as a way to escape life at home. I now understand why.

My career took off with kids. Something to do with purpose and motivation I think.

Francis Ford Coppola said something to the effect of how having a bunch of kids served as a huge financial and artistic motivator for him. Not sure I'd recommend in that my kid is 2 and I'm not sure if I've done even 1000 words of creative since then.

I did turn down a near-lateral promotion that would've require 60%+ travel. Everyone has to do right by their families and values but appreciating and maximizing my time for me this era in my life is worth a price above rubies (though even I have a selling point, lol).

Oh my god. Trust me, you'll NEVER hear a woman say that. Yuk.

What kind of job do you have?

Software dev

My 3 kids are all grown and I have only now begun to realize why they have hard and “real” conversations with my wife and light and simple ones with me (to the frustration of my wife)… I suppose it’s because I was an absent parent. Do better than I did!

Another thought on careers, I think parenthood is also a good gateway into management level roles. You get practice being the boss at home and that skill translates. A lot of work problems are very similar to dealing with angry toddlers.

LOL so true...damn I thought I wrote this.

> 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style

They don't try that with me and my wife any more, you have to nip that stuff in the bud. My rule is that unless you're actively helping you don't criticize. If there are dirty dishes, then anyone complaining about them can go and clean them up.

> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

I don't think this has anything to do with being a parent.

> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

Phew, for a minute there I thought I had an unknown child somewhere out there.

No, but to be fair it's a good warning. I was never one to really let my emotions out like that, but random crying for no apparent reason definitely became a thing for me for the first few months of my son's life. I didn't know what was going on until other fathers admitted it happened to them too. That made me so much more comfortable with it.

Kids will bring emotions out in you that you have locked away, for better or for worst.

For some people it definitely does. I also got the habit of sitting in my car for half an hour once for a while, doing nothing and listening to music. It's miserable for the "right" person.

> Culture plays a big role. The west and east have _very_ different ways of raising children

Can you elaborate a bit, what are the biggest differences?

My neighbor, not sure where exactly they were from, but they were from the east, had a newborn some months ago. They had a full week of partying, family and friends visiting. They made as much noise as possible, day and night, literally banging pans and pots. All of this was to get the child comfortable with noise. Even leaving the child to cry so it would get used to being alone sometimes. I have never seen such with a "western" family.

This doesn’t seem like a bad idea, although I would probably consult a developmental expert about the abandonment, but the noise should be fine.

One example of co-sleeping. Discouraged in the west by the American Pediatric Association, but very much the norm in the east.

[1] https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/safe-sleep/

Can't encourage co-sleeping enough. Avoiding it is one of those official recommendations that I think does more harm than good.

Can relate especially 1, 2, 5 and 6. Probably the worst 2 years I have spent so far. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they themselves really really want a kid. Basically my one liner is: Don't go for it if you have a slight doubt.

But who knows, every one is different.

sorry to hear about your last 2 years. always open to chat openly about fatherhood (my email contact is in my profile).

Thanks man. I'm getting the hang of it -- basically once I convince myself to drop all objectives for the first 5 or so years I immediately felt a bit better. It's just training my brain to convince myself that takes a bit of time.

What the hell is this? Everything is hard, prepare for pain, work hard on relationship blah blah. Calm down, it’s not rocket science, people have been doing this forever. I have two kids and I can honestly say it’s actually really easy. Yes, they are not teenagers so maybe things get harder then but so far so good.

> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

Give me a break, this is cringe.

It's real easy when your partner does all the work.

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31965561

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