Hacker News Reader

Comment by actfrench | Hacker News Reader

Thank you for your kind and encouraging post!

I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself.

Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .

I can’t relate to this “three Ps” thing at all. I just want a partner who is deep thinking (most important), reasonably kind, and reasonably good looking.

I couldn’t give two shits about some weird notion of being a provider or a protector. Income, strength? It doesn’t come into the equation for me. But then, I also don’t have a strong need to be a procreator.

I have no success dating due to my own seemingly excessive standards (almost impossible to find deep thinkers) so I can’t give any advice on that front.

But you shouldn’t rule out being a single mother, because I suspect you’d regret that once it’s no longer possible.

I find women who cannot provide for themselves unattractive.

I was brought up by 2 working parents and all my siblings are working professionals; I expect my partner to "pull her weight". Damsel's in distress are a huge turn-off for me,and having that imbalance feels icky and transactional on some level - to me.

But I know men who exclusively date women with lower academic qualifications than them, because they want that income gradient/clear pecking-order.

It's utter nonsense. It's typical HN, a long winded extremely confident post about something that the commenter clearly doesn't understand half as well as they think they do.

> I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself.

No, I don’t identify in the slightest. The opposite is true. I find interest in someone who can be a partner in the true sense of the word. We should strive to improve each other and remain together by choice, because we’re happy, not because one of us has a small ego and the other is incapable of being independent. What a boring scenario.

That said, I don’t doubt it does happen. A friend has told me of a man she dated who couldn’t get over the fact she earned more than him. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t last. She’s much happier now, in a healthy relationship.

Is finding someone so important that you’d consider presenting as someone you are not? Sounds like a recipe to attract a partner you’d regret choosing.

Dated women who were way more successful than me. Wasn't a problem at all. It'd only be a problem if a guy has no confidence.

Personally, I think you just need to give up (that's what I did) and just learn to be okay with the things the way they are now. It either will happen or not. You just cannot force these things.

Also (probably not such a great advice) but maybe you just need to go to a bar and meet a guy who is a little bit of an asshole..?

I'm very into women who can provide for themselves, and potentially me (and I them) in case we need to lean on each other.

But I also 100% don't want to make kids, so probably not your target audience.

I'd actually be open to the idea of raising kids, parenting, adopting, etc., I just don't want to make them.

Not offering myself, but it's entirely possible there are men with similar preferences (or who had a vasectomy, etc.).. are you overlooking them as possible matches? Because you could have your relationship and your kids, and if there's no pressure on being the bio-dad within any time-frame, maybe that takes pressure off relationship candidates also

Based on my own - very Eurocentric - experience, and my circle of friends, relationships where only one part is the provider all failed (to reiterate: not all of them fail, just the relationship of people I personally know/friends of friends). It was about the money. Once one party starts to feel that the other is spending “their” money, the wheels come off. Maybe it worked better when divorce was frowned upon.

As for the protector… it does not matter how buff you are, in 99% of the time your average male will still be more able to fight off a physical threat. But yes, there are men who feel inferior because of being less fit. And there are men, who will applaud it and have no trouble lifting less weight than you. Guess who is more self confident…

About the procreation: that one I could imagine. If you want to badly have kids as a man, or want to badly leave that option for the future, you’d probably pick a spouse with enough “runway”. But there are also many guys who rather enjoy the money and don’t want kids.

It’s bad advice and maybe the rantings of a lunatic. Act like a damsel in distress? I don’t think I can read that twice without losing my vision. And the 3 P’s? C’mon. I have army special forces friends that make less than their wives and are childless, I don’t get the impression that they don’t feel like ‘real men’.

I would not mind my wife earning more than I do… she doesn’t but I wish she would (I was simply lucky enough to be passionate about something that pay well)! To be honest I think she put way more effort in her job than I do in mine! On the other hand my mother is richer than my father (they both are very wealthy but she is the wealthier) and was never an issue for them (still happily married at 72yo)

The women not providing for herself being attractive seems like bullshit. It's a lot easier to build a future with someone who makes good money.

Maybe as a gay man my advice doesn't fit here, but that is not my experience at all. Gay couples work nicely even if they both earn similar income and there is no "provider".

i don't identify with this at all, but keep in mind, HN is not your average demographic. a lot of people here earn a lot themselves, so of course a partner with a good income is not going to make them uncomfortable.

I think it’s an outdated perspective.

I would never marry a woman that can’t provide for herself, and I think it would be amazing if she earns more than me.

However, I don’t think it’s completely wrong, men do want to feel needed somehow.

You seems so perfect and the only thing missing in your life it’s a child. That’s not a good advertisement.

Let men feel needed and tell them that, ask for their help and their opinion. If a guy is real computer nerd, let him help with your IT related issues, and sure, you could probably pay someone to do it better, but the point is to let people/men feel as part of your life.

What is missing in your life beside a child?

Are you too serious? Look for a funny guy that can make you laugh.

Are you too healthy maniac? Look for a guy that can sometimes push you to really tasty food, but not healthy.

Are you too impulsive? Look for a guy that keep you grounded.

And let them know how they complete you!

It describes a significant portion of your target market.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com