Turns out the uptime of both our git server and even the Jenkins instance beat GitHub by far and while the former only cost a marginal amount of CPU time on infrastructure I was running anyways, GitHub is a noticeable expense for us.
Of course it still saves me from the panic attacks every time I'm compelled to press the "Update now" button in Jenkins because either I do nothing and get my instance RCEd or I do press the button and who knows what plugin update will break which part of our setup, but while that was a constant fear in my mind, the amount of downtime caused by Jenkins plugin updates was zero whereas what GitHub is doing lately is way, way, way worse than zero.
I'm starting to get frustrated and like I presume many other paying users, I think I'm at a point where I feel like we should get partial refunds of our subscription money given the very spotty uptime all year now.